Blind to the Good. Alert to the Bad

Blind to the good.. Seems like a common ailment of most superiors or bosses. They tend to be ignorant of the good that their subordinates have done and lack in giving credit or recognition to the people that have worked their asses off.

Alert to the bad.. Again, a common phenomenon in bosses and superiors. They keep silent when you work hard and do all the right things. But the very moment you deviate from the norm or do something that is 'not allowed', they will 'politely' highlight to you that they are not happy.

An example:

A subordinate joins in the weekly run which is held every Wednesday, without fail. The only time he/she doesn't go is when that person is on leave, on course or on off.

Today, the subordinate feels uncomfortable and has a severe headache that doesn't subside despite popping a Panadol and chooses to walk instead of run. The boss sees and immediately passes a remark that the person should be running due to the title of his/her job. When the subordinate replies that no matter what the title is, the person is having a headache and the boss says,"Alamak, how can like that..."

I put myself into the person's shoes and feel the pain and anger. Pain from the headache and anger from being subtly told off... So is the person not supposed to be sick and be strong like a robot at all times? Or is it people simply don't care that he/she falls sick? Sucks eh?

Am i like the common boss out there that also is blind to the good and alert to the bad?

Moving again....

Migration.... again....

Before I can fully acquaint myself with the environment, people and systems, I am informed of the coming migration again....

A replacement comes. Out I go.

It wasn't a last minute proposal, they were aware of the changes all along. They were in control of the implementation date.

So why is it they still arrange for a person to enter only to take over others and be a substitute and to cover the empty hole till the appropriate person is found? You cover the duties but they have a really difficult time giving you credit for it. I guess this is the way the system works eh..

I feel "REALLY" comforted by the LARGE amount of effort and foresight put into planning.

What else to do? Suck thumb and carry on...

Not some big shot? Nobody to speak up for you? No one to back you up? Then just quietly accept and do the job and pray that time passes very quickly...

Preparations...

Preparations are beginning to get on my nerves... It is starting to cause friction due to differences in ideas and opinions.

Why do I think that he is not really as interested or involved as I am? Is it just my perception?

I never knew choosing a suitable piece of clothing could be so tiring and frustrating..

Underwater... Cool... But now i am faced with the difficulty of having to settle my own hair, face and outfit for that shoot and the biggest problem of all.... I can't open my eyes underwater.... Is this idea already on the road to failure?

Although i asked myself and him and probably a few of you places that are good for photos, we are still clueless as to what to do and where to go. Special props that are meaningful to us?

Why do the dresses that are not accessible to me always look more desirable?

Maybe i should have started my research for everything a yr ago.. Now i am faced with numerous 'What ifs?'......

Happy times...

Ahhh... It's been a very very long time since my last post...

Life has been happier these few days... Just came back from BKK... Suffering from withdrawal syndrome from retail therapy... Bought lots of stuff... Lucky i took Jetstar this time.. so the baggage allowance is 20kg.. Check out the shoes that i bought this trip... hee.. :P
Kareen just called me a sick woman when i told her i bought 10 pairs of shoes.. haha.. but had lots of fun... just came back but feel like going back there again.. Really too many things to buy...

Looking back at the past 2 weeks, it has been a time of good, tension, happy and relief..

3rd August:
HappY!: Me Birthday.. hee.. My medics threw me a surprise party.. I am deeply grateful.. Totally wasn't expecting it.. So touched! *Sob Sob!* :P My dental supervisor gave me a very cute Piglet bolster and hand cream to pamper my digits + + a handphone holder... Had dinner with my parents the next day at Hanabi at odeon towers the next evening...Then met my friends for lunch on 5th at Marmalade pantry so we could celebrate mine, Ottie's and Phillip's B'dae too... After that we went Ktv.... Ottie gave me Crocs and the rest gave me a tunic with foreign words which i may have to go find out the meaning and my first pair of white earrings...
8th August:
Tension!!! Gan cheong!!!... Auditors came to audit the medical centre... Haiz.. although check through already but they still manage to find 8 non-conformities... Coincidence eh... 8 NCs on 080807....

10-18th August:
Mugging for exams... taking exams.. looking forward to the holiday.....

19th August:
HAPPY!!! Holiday!! This holiday was very much more meaningful as i had to go through many events before i could really take a break on this holiday... But as with all holidays, time always flies when one is having fun... Now i am back in Singapore and creating this entry.. haha...

Looking forward to my next holiday even though i have no idea when it will be and where i will be going....

1 big equation

Dealing with unreasonable people
+
Fatigue from constant lack of sleep
+
Self-inflicted pressure
+
Internal Audit
+
Stress from trying to finish projects
+
Stress from trying to start studying for exams
+
Falling way behind the schedule that I planned for myself
+
Knowing that the people working under you do not see the big picture and take their work lightly
+
A person asking me is everything ok?

= A major breakdown+ hot tears of frustration

An unavoidable one.. One that i should have hid in the adjacent dark room to prevent other people from seeing. But too late! No time to hide and wallow in tears of frustration. Work continues, problems continue to present themselves. At least I can seek comfort in the fact that only 4 people saw my teary face. It is bad enough but if i must offer myself consolation, then i will have to be comforted that not everyone saw.. haha...

1 down, 1 more to go

It's finally over. Glad that i managed to answer his questions.. Haha.. felt small... but anyway its normal. Tired.. Left work only at 8 plus. Eventful ah.. the projector had problems at the very last minute... People not turning up at the last minute... Having a nasty red bump on my head coz it got hit by the sliding door, having to clean up people's puke.. Felt like crying.. but had to be strong for the entire thing to run smoothly.. why is it always such a struggle...

Do i feel happy its over? Maybe... I guess i would have expected to speak to him, to tell him the troubles and evaluate if he was worth talking to.. But no chance,.. so it's ok. I don't really feel anything. Don't feel relieved, don't feel happy either.. Just a mixture of feelings that cannot be put into words.

I learnt that i will soon be moving again.. How does this piece of news make me feel? Somehow the feeling of being unwanted and thrown to clear other people's shit seems familiar.. Mmmm.. When was the last time i had the same feeling? I think it was only about 3 months ago!... Amazing how things go round in circles right? And what a small circle it is...

Given up.. I thought there would be a session where he would speak to each department separately but nope! didn't happen...

If you are confused, ask me directly.. Many things cannot be explained explicitly here... too sensitive...

P.S: For those that have worked with me, am i capable in your eyes?

Crossroads..

Ever wondered where you will be if you made chose different decisions at that particular point of time?



Do you look back and think about whether you made the right choice with the decision that you chose?



Is it a bad thing that you often think about the possible outcomes if you had decided otherwise then?



If i chose differently,

- I could be doing something that is totally different from what i am doing now. Probably shopping everyweek for office wear.. haha..

- I could be armed with a degree now instead of struggling for one now.

- I could have studied overseas and working overseas now.

- I could have a totally different group of friends and colleagues.

- I could be with a totally different guy now and leading a different life too.

Do i sound like i am regretting things? No... I am not k...

Just that when i am tired, frustrated and feel like giving up, I sometimes visualise myself standing at a junction and having to choose between two roads.

Someone asked me if i regretted my decision. I hesitated. He also asked if i still liked the job and what would be the factors that would make me stay. I don't really know my answer to the questions. Sometimes you are just very disappointed by the things that happen around and to you, such that it is difficult for you to gain new motivation or to re-discover the fire and level of energy and enthusiasm you started with.

Skills learnt

What skills will I bring along with me when i leave in 2 yrs time? Will these skills help in find another job easily?

Sometimes I look at the outside world and it seems better.. Isn't always the case? The grass on the other side is greener. Anyway at least when they leave a company, they probably leave with a network of people and skills required to survive the corporate world through the mistakes that they learnt during their first years at work.

What about me? The skills that i bring with me, will they allow me to survive once I leave the organisation where i gained them? Will people wonder how i have worked for 4-6 years but learnt nothing about handling office or business relationships?

Will you laugh at me if i tell you i am really into performing or into backstage work? I am actually thinking of applying for production assistant once i leave.. The difference or dip in income will probably be one of the factors that will lead me to act otherwise. hahaha.... I believe this is my ideal form of escaping from reality. Sometimes i look at performing artistes, they are able to assume roles and characters that they will not be able to fulfill in their normal life. It is an ideal form of fantasy.. haha

Uncertain.. again

My migration location and date is uncertain again. All i know is that I am no longer required at the present location. Because of something called transformation which is overwhelming all organisations and my brain (OD la: Organisational Development, something that i have to study which deals with change and talks about transformation too!!!!)

So I am an invisible force that is covering the job of someone who is supposed to be there but which the organisation is still trying its best to recruit.. haha. Best of luck ah.. Now not as easy to bluff people into the organisation anymore ah.. too many horror stories and too many victims that have walked away with horrible experiences and permanent scars. Sounds scary ah? It is.

Where do I go from here and when do i go?????? DON"T KNOW! No one seems to be interested in letting me know.. No one probably cares too.. haha... just wait lor.. Wait till the person comes then see where they decide to throw or kick me to...

Real busy these days,... All the things are coming together..
-Manpower abruptly taken away from me but with no news of replacement,scrambling with the little manpower left, but expected to do great amount of quality stuff.
-Big boss coming to visit: will it be the time for me to expose secrets of 'naughty people'?
-Auditors coming to check....
- Final exams coming plus projects that have heavy weightage!!

AHHHH!!!! All within the next few weeks too... I think I won't have the energy and time to enjoy my b'dae... Haiz... what's new?.. For the past 4 years that I have been in the organisation, it has been so... Spent my 21st birthday in training.. If you ask me, i have no fantastic memories of it.. sadly...

Only motivation? Bangkok on 19th... Yeah!! can't wait... Gals, if you have anything that you want me to buy back, let me know k????

Mmmmmm.....

After 3 runs, experienced the same feeling. The 4km was the worst, seeing the 'stars and birds' while i was running.. The other 2 were after the run, while standing there. I did proper warm up and cool down. Haha.. one of the guys that saw me bending over and fidgeting non-stop asked if i was very tired. When i told him that i was feeling a little dizzy, he freaked out slightly, told me my face was pale. It's freaking me out slightly too, so after the 3rd time it happened, i took my BP : was 105/50... Lower than it used to be, way much lower.. What could have caused the significant drop? Mmmmmm... Decided not to think much about it, but couldn't control my curiousity so decided to seek some 'professional' advice. Haha... but didn't tell much, didn't tell about the uncomfortable feelings after the runs, just asked if it was normal for a person to have BP like this...Apparently it is....Mmmmm...

Today was weird.. didn't feel right at all... so took my BP again.. still around the same region.. So i decided not to do much again. Haha.. Anyway i spent the whole day feeling like my feet were not touching the ground and my head hurt at certain times. Felt like the room was spinning at some moments.. But me, who hates to go to the doctor and will not go unless being forced decided not to bother despite the fact that one was just a door away.. haha...

Mmmmm... Maybe i should have elaborated the first time i asked for professional advice.. Maybe i should be worried... Maybe i am just being paranoid... Think i shall let my body give me further clues....

Stuck... dilemma

Sunday's appointment went as normal... Reached there on time but only left about 3 hours later. Showed her the pics, it's a pity that couldn't do the Shu Qi dress as seen in 'Gorgeous' because it was very flare and I would probably look like a christmas tree after wearing it.. A blue christmas tree..

Lucky I brought other pictures along.. Later we found another one that was quite nice but it was all in black. So our next headache surfaced, the colour of the dress... Haiz.. I can't wear a lot of colours because I will either look pale and sickly or look aunty because of the colour. Then while choosing and discussing the colours, Sandra kept being pulled away to handle other customers... So we waited........... as with the other appointments. When we finally decided on the colour, my dear HS has to open his mouth and say he thinks it might look weird. For a moment, I thought I was going to tell him, "I GIVE UP!" But somehow, i managed to swallow the frustration and carry on with the discussion. Finally, we managed to settle the design and the colour combination. I hope it looks ok. *Fingers crossed, Toes crossed*

Slightly disppointed that I won't have my 'Superwoman cape'..

In case you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about, I always had this idea of having an extra piece of fabric that is attached to the dress at the top of my shoulder, so that when I walk, it floats like a cape or something... haha... I know I am weird..

Today was just ok.. Sometimes I am torn between giving democracy and dictatorship. I am currently promoting democracy in the hope that they will feel empowered and complain less. I hope to engage them in the decisions that affect the medical centre and hopefully make them feel that they are important and each and every one of them plays a part. But, know what? Sometimes, they take it for granted. They think that just because I discuss with them, it gives the freaking right to comment on every decision that I ultimately make. If they think they can do a better job, why don't they come do it?!

When I look at dictatorship, I see pros and cons too.. Pros: They cannot complain, all they can do is be unhappy but in the end, they wil still drag their feet and get it done. I have full control. Muahahahaha!!! (Evil Laugh!) But, but, but... I will have unhappy people turning up for work everyday and my eyelids will probably twitching the entire day because there will be people cursing me. Haha...

Dictatorship VS Democracy.

Which one?????????

In the end, I just want them to come to work happy, do their job responsibly, have no complains, do their little part and feel like they a part of it all and that they are not peanuts... Is it very difficult? But sometimes I wish, they will keep their mouths shut and not judge everything that happens. Why do they get more whiny with generations? Are they too pampered and sheltered that they expect everything to be beneficial for them and them only?

Today one of them brought up a point that I totally, 120% agree with. Sometimes working, working 2 jobs, studying and not enough sleep PLUS stress can take its toll on a person. And when that happens, we hope it is serious enough to warrant us a period of time to really recharge and rest.. Haha... I shall not elaborate.. Don't want to get scolding..

Anyway goodnight to all!

Looking forward to meeting you and the Xtina concert! *Hugz*

Money no enough

Rising flat prices....

More Enbloc...

7% GST...

Are these meant to make the lives of the average person miserable? Seems like it is... If only one thing could rise too... Our pay! Giving one time is not enough... It only lasts for that month to settle all the outstanding payments.

No wonder people don't want to expand their families. Because if they have too many members in the family, everyone suffers in the end.

Is the gap between the rich and the poor in Singapore widening? The standard of living is going up, at who's expense?

Yup yup

Yup... It is you. I hope it isn't disturbing to you. It's just that sometimes I feel guilty feeling that way so I must find a way to let you know. But at the same time I know I won't be able to tell you directly.

I know.. I don't love myself enough.. haha.. I shall try k?

I am also looking forward to the Xtina concert... We shall bring lightsticks and scream ourselves hoarse. haha.. I haven't thought of what to wear though..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sucks.. My lecturer brought up a valid point today. The society is changing. Our population is growing.. Really growing.. With the entry of foreign talent more than with the increase in babies.

I mean there are more and more people of different nationalities along the roads of Singapore. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad.. I think a while back, there was an article about this issue, with the influx of foreign talent into Singapore is great for the economy but at the same time it might affect the local population.

Just look at property now.. Everything is about being exclusive. Waterfront living and all that crap... How many of the average Singaporean can afford that kind of living? Plus the indirect proportion of prices of flats and their size. And we are talking about having more babies???? Hellloooo! Wake up and see the reality. Someday a family of 5 will probably have to squeeze into a flat that could be an equivalent of one used to house a family of 3 in our parents' time. Then we will probably relive history with the presence of 'high-class squatters'... Haha... Interesting isn't it?

All those top end property is probably to attract all the foreign talent.. But all the hikes in property prices are affecting the lower and middle income group of people which is the majority of the population. Now we have all those en-bloc rubbish that puts people out of their houses and they are unable to find an equivalent for the miserable amount that they get and they end up downgrading to a smaller area. And plus those people that also add to the increase in prices of HDB with their ability to buy flats at a high price and pay cash... Haiz...

What is it coming to?

Confessions

I feel honoured, guilty and embarassed all at the same time.

Feel honoured to be considered a friend.It means a lot to me. We are the same even though we have different backgrounds. Remember we used to say we were common in that we needed a lot of friends around us? I am satisfied with a few quality ones. :)

Guilty that sometimes I wished that she could be less outstanding so I won't always have to hide in the shadows or feel little standing next to her. The best part? She doesn't do it on purpose, just naturally outstanding. Is this jealousy? Nope! Because I know she deserves it.. It is just insecurity on my part

Embarassed becuase i want her to ber an important role on the 30th but yet I have bad thoughts and insecurities that I will be over shadowed.. Embarassed that I even give these thoughts consideration.. Bad bad... So I am really sorry. But when you read this, i am not trying to hint you anything k? I am just confessing..

Anyway the friendship rules over all insecurities ya...

Zapped..

Fatigue continues to haunt me...

I fell asleep today, thankfully no one entered the room. Had no control over it, my eyelids felt like they were laden with lead. Heavy.

Work and studies continue to zap me of all my energy. I used to think I had endless energy that I could work the whole day if I wanted to. Now, I think otherwise. I can barely concentrate when I am reading my emails and that applies to my notes too. They become a blur everytime I try to focus.

The feeling of having a very long MC is back. I shall not elaborate on how I hope to get this MC because I think I may be scolded for it. Haha.. In the meanwhile, I will just have to look forward to trying to get enough sleep every night and getting through the day without making major mistakes and settling things one by one... I am tempted to just work through everything till my body tells me that it can't take it, then my rest will be well-justified. Insane but seems most feasible to me....

Gal, I am very glad you are happy. Your happiness seems to be radiate through your blog. It's good, it's good... You do deserve it.. *HUGZ*

I shall go do my essay now. Hope it doesn't suck..

I need sleep... lots of it...

I am very tired...

Health, Work, Studies and finally big day preparations. I have a very very bad feeling one of them will suffer in the end.. All are important to me so I am hoping none will have to take a back seat.

I am so tired that sometimes, I have difficulty concentrating while doing any of the four things. So I think ultimately all four things will probably only receive about10% of my concentration. This sucks.

Now is the time when I really feel 24hrs a day is not enough for me. Not enough for me to have sufficient rest, think about decisions at work properly, read through my notes or research thoroughly for the projects and lastly, not enough time to really consider what I want before I meet with the designer to discuss stuff..

I foresee that the next few months will be worse, more hectic and definitely less sleep.

Haiz.....

Support needed....

My neck feels longer, I think it grew with all the waiting and yearning for time to pass faster so that I can get to go home early everyday.

My shoulder feels heavier, my footsteps becoming increasingly hesitant and slow with all the extra weight and responsibilities added onto my back.

Yesterday's evening at the studio was quite interesting. We were late then they told us to go eat first, ended up eating at some shop near the ICON at Bugis that claimed to sell taiwanese delights. Didn't taste too bad. Went back to the shop, sat around, started to wait aimlessly.. Finally it was our turn. I showed her the pictures that I had looked for and tried to explain to her the idea and the concept that I wanted. At that point of time, I think it was still going quite smoothly.

Then I went to try on some pieces that were similar to the ones that I had in mind. Think there were a lot of pieces from the collection that was on loan, so we had to work with the limited available ones. Then we had to come up with the ideas and the final piece that I wanted together with the ideas that HS had.. By the time we started, it was already coming to 8 and the shop was supposed to close at 9. So, we had to decide on 2 outfits, plus their colours in an hour. In the end, we ended up only deciding on the more important outfit first. By the time, she drew the sketch and we had to decide on the colours, i had already started to space out and couldn't concentrate. Was very grateful that we decided to come to a conclusion about the evening piece another day, otherwise i would have looked back someday and regret my decisions.

Today was just as tiring. It is easy to tell people to ignore malicious comments but it is extremely tough to teach myself that.. Shall try to master the skill in the next 2 yrs... I also understood the amount of support that I have yesterday during a conversation with my immediate superior.

I am disappointed with the "GREAT" amount of support that I know I can count on.. Haha...

What to do? Just endure... easy to say, difficult to do...

Retail therapy

I feel the blues.. I work looking forward to the weekends all the time. I feel happy when i look at pretty things, both online and feeling the real thing.

But I am controlling... I feel the tension in me release when I walk into a shop or see something online that is really nice.. I tell myself, "I Want! but cannot.. save money.. haha.." Then I will walk out of the shop.. Dilemma of feelings.. Happy that I resisted the urge, but sad that I didn't purchase it. I am not being stingy with myself, but the money that is being forcefully saved will probably come in handy next time especially with the RAPIDLY INCREASING standard of living and the rising prices of every single thing except our pay.

I want:
- Tree Tee from wetseal.com that now only comes in size L: So no need to buy.. Yeah! :(
- Robot tee with hearts also from wetseal... Still considering
- Prima Crocs.. Considering since the day i saw it featured in Urban
- 2 tops from mandee.com
- simple heels that can be worn for shopping but will not hurt my feet
- a day to relax at some spa.. body scrub and massage sounds good to get away from all the madness
- Maryjane heels from gojane.com: But no more black.. so it gives me an excuse not to buy too...
- Many Many more!

Now I understand why people go for retail therapy. It makes you feel real good...

Everyday..

Everyday I wonder, "Why me?"

Everyday I try to motivate myself.

Everday I cross my fingers and pray very hard that nothing will crop up in that day.

Everyday I pray I can go home from work in peace.

Everyday I hope I did at least one right thing.

Everyday I hope that the decisions I made were wise and beneficial to all.

Everyday I complain to myself and whine silently.

Everyday I pray for a replacement to get me out of my misery.

Everyday I try not to talk back when people tell me to hang in there and that the experience would make me a better person.

Everyday I go to sleep, thinking about the events and my actions in the day.

Everyday I wake up and silently dread the day that I will be facing.

Everyday I try to shrug the fatigue that threatens to overwhelm me and push forward.

Everyday I try to do the best I can so I won't be labelled a failure.

Everyday I try to look forward to things that will make my day.

BUT...

Everyday, Something will end up making me sad.

This is the story of my life now.

I am blessed!

This is one of my happy posts.. I must admit they are decreasing, but I am making an effort to be happy and to count my blessings. This is precisely what I am going to do now.

Today I am delighted with 2 things. I have booked tickets to watch Christina Aguilera in concert. Can't wait!! Very excited. I am sure Naz is way more excited than me. In addition, i have realised how much someone values my happiness. She is willing to accompany me to watch the concert immediately after i asked her even though it may be tight on her budget. LOVE YOU! I am blessed to have a dear friend like her.

In my previous posts, i have always been lamenting the difficulties on the work front. Today I shall continue on the good things in my life. This is not to say that the work difficulties have magically disappear.. Haha... I wish it did! But alas, they continue to be present..

Back to the good things,

I have friends that I love loads and who love me too...

I have my dear someone who I know loves me too but doesn't express it well...

I have parents that love me too..

I guess these 3 things are most important to me and are vital for my mental survival.. haha..

So to those that feel my blog is becoming a very deep and dark one, this is one of the few light hearted posts.. :)

What can I say?

I am blessed!

Bored Stiff....

You sleeping... I waiting...

It happens all the time..

You say half an hour.. but it never happens, it will ALWAYs drag longer than that...

Damn boring.. Maybe it is the difference in personality.. I can't stand just sitting around and doing nothing but you are happy to just lie in bed all day..

It is driving me crazy.. I don't even mean we must go out to buy stuff.. but just doing something, play some sport downstairs, surf the net together or something.. Better than me watching you sleep and waiting for you to wake up...

I cried...

I cried.... Not once but on 2 consecutive days...

Once in my office.. Thankful that no one entered and saw me in that embarrassing state...

The second time however, was not so lucky... It took only this sentence,"Xiaomei, how are you?" for me to break down uncontrollably.. I already tried my best to avoid him so that I won't have to risk crying in front him.. But he spotted me.. The more he asked, the harder i cried.. What a bloody weakling I am! The 2 other people involved in the conversation must have thought I was mad.. Reality is such.. In the line of work that I am in, ladies are already considered weaker, a crying woman is even worse!

When he learnt that I was the only one and that there was no one to help me, he said he understood why I was feeling so terrible.. His arm around my shoulder was very comforting but brief...

The stress is overwhelming. It is consuming me.. Somedays I feel like giving up totally and voicing out that I want to get out.. In my previous post, I said I was determined not to let the place collapse under me.. This is proving damn tough.. Do i have the determination, preserverance and strength to pull this off?

You think that the stress is self-inflicted..No, it isn't.. I am like a person with 4 heads.. I am wearing 4 hats.. Very Tiring... I have to also deal with indirect criticism.. People who tell me indirectly that I am not doing a good job of controlling the people under me... Yes, I used to kick butt but that was because I knew exactly what I was supposed to do.. Now? I am not even on the first rung of the ladder..

The previous place was worse than now, but I was in a group of people and we suffered together. We knew exactly how the other person was feeling because we were going through the exact same thing. But now, I am alone.. I can't complain or discuss with anyone.. I am stranded in the middle of the large ocean with no compass, no sense of direction, no idea where land is but just paddling hard.

Paddling hard and hoping that at the end of the day, my brute force will get me somewhere..

The Phantom....

Blistered and tired feet... But worth it..

I went to watch the Phantom of the Opera today! It was "Fantabulous"!!.. haha.. if there's such a word.. Watched my first musical/play with Ottie... It was Glam Gals night.. haha..

Sorry... no pics.. I didn't bring a camera..Here is a pic of the killer heels that gave me height and blisters.. But this is the first time I feel so glam.. but of course... there were a lot of people looking at THE Gorgeous One in the orange dress next to me.. haha.. Anyway Thank you for playing a part in this memory and experience for me.. Looking forward to future outings like this... Maybe we shall go watch a ballet?

Back to the performance, I think the cast was brilliant. Each and everyone of them..There were times when the singing and the emotions that could be heard from their singing caused me to have goose pimples.... I think the backstage crew were even better. The change of the backdrops and the props were so quick, it was almost like the curtains came down and went up immediately.

The chandelier was..... Very Nice!!!! Nice!! Nice!!!..Sooo very nice!!!

The sound effects were really good too.. There were times when the voices were projected from different corners of the theatre and I found myself looking in the direction to see if the actor was there... Haha.. a bit silly but the sound was that good!...

The costumes too.. Especially in the Masquerade scene... Lots of BLING!! I especially liked one of the ladies that looked like she was trying to be a spider.. Her skirt was similar to a web, but it was a very BLING web.. haha!!..

The performance was also very inspiring to me.. Hopefully someday I can be part of something like that..

Ottie: Think you are psychic.. either that or you really know me damn well.. You know exactly what I am going to say..
"Follow your dreams.." I hope to too... But sometimes it will have to depend on other situations. I hope you will be by my side when and if I do end up following it... :)

Haven't felt so happy for a very long time..

The happiness will be shortlived when Monday comes but it will inspire and motivate me to hang in there so that I can have the chance to try and follow my dreams..

Wish me luck and continue to give me strength!

too short...

I think she cut my fringe too short... my hair is standing... Can i bring a pair of scissors along on the 5th and you help me cut? haha... some parts look weird..

The past week has been one very long week... Very thankful that I only have to work 4 days next week.. I am going to vietnam lo.. Quite excited...

I foresee more work coming along.. It seems that there are more secondary appointments that the present ones... Changes are going to happen.. In fact, I implemented a minor change and already it has met with great resistance. Maybe people only accept change when it is beneficial to themselves. Hopefully the replacement comes fast and i can go back to being a 2IC.

She told me that she's very happy that i am now the person in charge. I told her i don't mind the job but i don't like being thrown into it all of a sudden. And at the same time, it seems like I am invisible to the rest of the people. Quite demoralizing.

One of them said this jokingly," The place will collapse after this batch of us goes off." I know he was joking but some part of me feel it will be true and I may not be able to stop it from falling apart.

To you and you: I know my blog is starting to scare you but I am fine.. Don't worry... Maybe these few weeks and months are the 'downs' in my life.

I was hopeful that they upon seeing that i was in an hysterical state would open their eyes and realize that they are the cause and work together to solve things.. But I was hopeful and the hope still carries on being a hope..

To end on a happier note, I went for my first pedicure last sat.. haha... a small attempt at pampering myself.. Looking forward to watching Phantom... An excuse to doll up to go out...

2 IC no more...

Overwhelmed.. that's how i feel...

I knew it was coming but I didn't expect it to be so fast. I assumed that like everyone else, there will be a reasonable amount of time for me to understudy. But I guess I am not like everyone else.
Now it has landed on my shoulders.

You questioned my ability and capabilities. Don't pretend. You said you were worried for me, but you just wanted me to be fully aware that you 'built the system into what it is'. You tell me the system doesn't seem to flow after you start to be absent. You also say you are worried that it will fall apart after you leave. It's demoralizing the first time you hinted in my face. But the second time you told me, it made me determined to make sure the reputation of the place will not be damaged when I am in charge.

It is demoralizing when you go to a new place, you are excited to learn new stuff then you get told that you will be leaving the place soon. Then you see your top management very actively recruiting people and he keeps telling you, "You will out of here earliest by the end of the yr." many times in different ways. But well... what to do? It strengthens my belief that this organisation is going to meet its decline in the near future... With all the changes and cost-saving efforts...

Today I felt like giving up, felt boxed in, felt like everyone wanted a piece of me. I rushed back to office during lunch, had a 5 min lunch before having to rush back down to another part of the premises. But the ultimate blow to my weary shoulders was when I called to ask someone to help me check some stuff and was told some key personnel were taken out for lunch and were not coming back to office after that. Felt like crying, but forced myself to hold back the tears..

Tears= weakness.. The cruelty of the real world.

Not looking forward to upcoming weeks. I foresee lots of problems, lots of hidden matters that have been swept under the carpet.

I jokingly told one of them the other day, my smile will be disappearing as the weeks go by...

You tell me to be brave... I hope I won't let you down. I hope you won't be the one to see me in tears too.

Everyone jokingly told me it is a promotion with no pay rise. Yup.. I guess it could be put that way. My shoulders feel heavy, every step i take, there are decisions to be made. Now, i truly understand the difficulties faced when one has no proper guidance.

Wish me luck. I pray it will be enough... and of use...

Too much

I just want a happy family.. Is that too much? I want to see my parents hold hands and grow old. I just want to start my own life peacefully. Too much? It's probably too much. It is too much.

One is spineless. One complains to everyone under the sun. One is too cowardly to fight his own battles. One is convinced the other is unfaithful. One is convinced but doesn't take concrete steps. When all these ONEs add up,they equal to TWO selfish people. Selfish enough to throw their problems onto another person's shoulder. A person who attempts to help but no one heeds the advice. A person who is busy enough but yet has to entertain them.

2 people's problem=
- Disturbance of innocent's people's life.
+ Irritation suffered by people
+ Frustration at the things that she can't do
+ Badmouthing of everyone
+ Demolition of relationships
+ People finding ways of escaping the truth.

Is it worth it?

"Don't air your dirty linen in the public" Didn't learn it in school? Now I teach you.

Why?
- It's shameful
- It makes people look down on you.
- It speaks VOLUMES about your ability and capability to handle problems
- Seriously, no one is interested.
- Lastly, it stinks up the environment : You just pollute the world and hope people clean up after you.

Utterly disappointed in all of you.

helpless

3 broken eggs on the floor.

2 fighting people.

1 broken heart.

1 cowardly bastard.

1 broken laptop.

1 bleeding lip.

1 helpless bystander.

WTH!.. why is this happening? All because of an idiot's reluctance to tell in advance that he's not eating at home. An idiot's reluctance to open his stupid mouth til the very very last minute, or even after food has been prepared.

Think stupidity grows with age and working environment.

stupidity or just plain scared?

Stupid or too afraid to take risks?

- People are sometimes too cowardly to take risks. Too scared to allow things to happen on its own. Want to have insurance for everything. So that if anything should happen, they can point their fingers at everyone else but themselves. How to progress like that? How to be efficient and effective like that?

- Don't pay lip service and say that you are trying to improve the way things are but actually you are taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

- Irritating. To see people say one thing and do another.
To see the same ineffective people come up with the 'fantabulous' ideas in front of the 'Big Shots' but have absolutely NO idea how to meet carry out the idea. All these cowardly hypocrites. Disgusting eh? No wonder it is not progressing and there are so many problems.

It looks like a BIG, JUICY RED apple that makes you want to eat it. BEWARE!! It's rotten inside, filled with maggots and slowly becoming an empty space.

I am....

I am a refugee.... Living my daily life from my trusty Nike bag.. sometimes with an additional paper bag. Most of my weekends is spent throwing laundry into the washing machine, packing fresh laundry into my bag and getting ready for the week ahead... My trusty bag is also breaking apart.. But it has served me long.. maybe it will soon give me an excuse to go shopping for another one..

I am no one.. People will forget easily. It's true.. I am physically there but I don't make enough impact for people to remember. My name is in that position on paper and turns up when something goes wrong or someone is needed to take the blame or cover. But otherwise, I am invisible..

I am a spare tyre.. I will stand in when others are unable to meet their own commitments.. It's like being on a baseball or a volleyball team.. You normally pick balls, you only get to play when the coach is desperate for a replacement or fill in for their star players. I am the spare tyre that is always very well hidden in the boot, only taken out when one of the main tyres burst... After the main tyre is fixed, the spare tyre goes back into hiding again.. haha...

What am I?

Who am I?

STOP!

I don't expect much. Just stop attacking or doubting the place and its teachings. You are one of the those people that contribute to the doubt cast on the place. One of those people that are only good at doubting and suspecting the quality of the teachings and not take the effort to really understand the difficulties faced by the place. I don't know why I am so offended but I absolutely hate it when you question the integrity of the place's teaching and look at me, expecting me to support you. NOPE...I can't do it. You are on your own. I don't care if you think I am against you. Go ahead.

I miss the school. We worked hard but we supported each other. We found solace and entertainment in each other. Words were not needed but we knew how each was suffering. Now I am by myself. No one on the same frequency to confide in.

Stuck in the middle. Confiding in the newspapers. Trying to swallow everything, complain less, whine less, endure more. I tell him but he can only listen and try to comfort but it is not the same. He is not going through it. He says it is the best time i went to the other meadow but is it? I rather suffer with the other cows on a not-so-green pasture then suffer alone on a supposedly very green pasture.

Management... my current module. Worried for the last one. The lecturer was good at talking but when I left the classroom, didn't have any knowledge taken along. Hope I can pass the exam. Was so tempted to do the only 2 questions I knew, hand in and prepare for the supplementary paper. Haha..

This module has led me to consider lots of qualities that top management or leaders should have. Maybe i should say it has also led me to consider the obvious lack of qualities in some personnel I know. Is it because the organization or the company is too big? Or is it just the breakdown in the system or planning? Mmmmmm.... I wonder...

The lecturer asked today, "Do you think you will be a good leader next time?" I hope to be. I hope to avoid the mistakes of the people around me and adopt the excellent qualities of that one man that is very respected by numerous people even though he has joined another organization.

-Humble, Kind, Attentive to your problems, Nice even though you are very very junior compared to him. He is someone that people respect as a person and not because of his position.

Don't have to meet too many of these type of people. 1 is enough to provide the inspiration.

I continue to seek inspiration and find the thing I want to do. Currently addicted to the VCD of the SHE concert in Hongkong.. Still very inspired to find something to do that is related to behind the scenes production of concerts, performances, dances etc... But still unsure where to start from... Volunteer work?

Shall hunt.. Gather information.. Help me k?

Tingling

It's tingling... my arm's tingling... I had a jab yesterday that was given under the skin.. Not the kind that they give at your bicep.. You can see a small bump forming as the solution is infused into your skin.

It swelled today. Quite a big one.. My arm feels weak, tingling and aching at the same time. I showed him my arm and asked him," Is this normal?" I expected a normal answer. But instead he "tiak" my arm the way you would hit marbles and said,"you mean this?" PAIN eh!!!!... The pain didn't stay at the spot he hit but started radiating to my fingers too. I jokingly told him that I would never see him for anything in the future, he laughed.

I don't have the luxury of my friends who have people falling over their own feet just to make them happy, take care of them when they are sick or supporting them when they are limping. Sounds like I am jealous of the most ridiculous thing right? The truth is I AM. There was once a person who my friend crossed the road with and he suddenly changed position with her and he said, 'the car can bang me first'. But when this same person crossed the road with me, our position remains the same and the car is allowed to bang me first. Sounds absurd? Well... this is just one of the examples. But i am slowly learning to ignore it and to just laugh at the absurdness of the situations.
When I state that i shall go seek medical attention, i receive snide remarks, "Slack right?" etc.

Sometimes i feel that when i talk, people will doubt what i say.
I have come to just depend on my body's ability to recover on its own.
I will survive...

CNY

CNY is here...

Many thoughts flood my head as I go around collecting ang pows and visiting. Didn't really collect much as the families are not very big. Either way it's the amount inside that counts, not the number of red packets.. Haha... I received packets that only contained 2 bucks from people who are held dear by my own family. Apparently, the feeling is not mutual.. But it doesn't really matter, just makes things and their feelings clear to me.. Haha... I think we will be broke next year, when people start to stretch out their hands to us.. :P

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I don't really look forward to getting old... People don't understand you then. I feel sad when i see my grandma having to ask us to finish the food. She trudges to the market early in the morning to buy groceries so that she can cook for us to eat but everyone who turns up at her house has had their meals. The person who told her to cook but didn't bother to help finish the food ought to be shot.

Why did you even tell her to cook in the first place? Then she practically has to beg us to eat the food. Very pitiful. Put in lots of effort into preparation but not appreciated at all. I totally agreed when he said that in his family, when his grandma ask them to eat, no matter how full they are, they will eat because if they refuse, she will be very upset and hurt.

========

Hungry. They didn't pack lunch for me today. I didn't even know til i asked them and by that time, everyone had gone for their own lunch, so shall not eat today and use the time to submit this post... hee.. Either way, have been eating too much for the past few days... Shall allow my system to clear up..

========

I despise you. I despise your weakness, your inability to speak up for yourself. You enlist the help of people to state your points. FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLE! Don't hide behind others especially when they know nothing about the truth and are helping you just because you are too cowardly to do it.

I despise you. I hope you know it.

Miffed... A little...

Jealous.. a little.. I say aloud I don't want anything and i know i don't want anything too.. BUT i am a little jealous when i see people preparing because i know there is no preparation on his part..

Was hopeful... a little.. A small voice from within was a little jealous seeing the box of chocolates..

They told me they wanted to see the watch that i was eyeing for so long on my wrist after yesterday. I told them,"Na, it probably won't happened." Then they told me to go buy it myself and claim.. haha.. So cute but so very friendly and nice to me even though i haven't known them for a long time.... No scandals k? .... unlike a certain someone in blue that i know... hehehe.. yup.. it's you 'maam'...

You tell me you want everyday to be special and good and not just a particular day. So does that mean I can use anyday as an excuse to expect a little gift from you? :P

============
Anyway i was so busy on the road to self-destruction the past few days that i missed out very important signals from people around me.

Some people do really believe in me. I thank you for the belief you have placed in me and continue to place in me even when i am the peak of my self-doubt. Thank you for believing and loving me. You and you should know you are k? A gal in blue and a guy in green.

However, i am still looking forward to the day that i can rest for a few days in a row without feeling guilty. Haha.. i am not going to elaborate about the event that will result in the rest lest all of you out there scold me for being mad... haha

weird

It's irritating.... Very...

I fall sick but yet not sick enough to collapse. My body is just so damn bloody strong. It always has to recover just before i see a doc. If i did collapse, then i wouldn't have to listen to people suspecting that i was just using sick as an excuse.. I woke up feeling feverish and having half my voice gone. BUT when i nearing the place to take bus to work, it started to clear up. I went to see a doctor. BUT as usual, i was almost 70% well with a massive headache and very congested throat. Now i feel like i have a fire burning inside.. My neck and tummy feels hot but the thermometer tells me i have no fever...

I think i am weird. I want to get help for myself. But yet when people ask me, i am unable to express myself. So in the end, the true situation is not known... Stupid idiot.

Vince... I hope you didn't think i was psycho. But those are really my true thoughts and feelings.

Ottie.. Hope you are enjoying your day.. I am sure the bees are hard at work.. i am still waiting for your email.. Maybe i will write you one too... together with the reply.

Shirl.. I am glad that you liked the perfume... About the 3rd day of CNY, i confirm with you again k,,,

Nana... Thanks for helping to be the one handling all our purchases from Gojane.. Love ya...

Nearly....

I nearly fainted on the bus yesterday. I think it was the combination of me feeling really lousy and the stuffy bus.
I thank the lady who saw me swaying and got up to offer me her seat. It may have been her stop or maybe she was just giving her seat to me.. I thank you.

I think it was the combination of really spicy food from food court for lunch, corn soup+mixed grill+root beer float from Billy bombers that really upsetted my tummy.. I ended up waking at 1 plus last last night throwing up and went back to sleep still feeling nauseous. When i woke up yesterday morning, my whole body was aching and i didn't dare to consume any food or liquid for fear that it would be wasted. Felt really lousy, thankfully i only had to endure for half a day, i went home to rest after the test ended. I nearly fainted when walking to the bus interchange.. After sleeping at home, i awoke with fever.. But i still went to meet my ma to do some shopping at This Fashion.. Haha.. Ottie dear, i think you will be pleased that i have finally bought myself jeans that are not 'lau lau'...

Never really felt so sick. I know some of you might find it a bit weird, i was a bit happy to be sick.. Coz i was just telling him that day that i wouldn't mind collapsing so that i could take a few days rest without feeling guilty. Hahaha... okok... don't scold me k...

I ate KFC for dinner and i thought it would make me so sick that i wouldn't be able to go to work today. But i was wrong. The potent combination of herbal tea taken together with Yin qiao tablets allowed me to go to work today with nothing more than a sore throat.. Power ah? So i guess the collapsing from exhaustion will have to wait for another time...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I admire you.

- You who knew from young that you wanted to be a policeman. And you have worked your way through all the obstacles so that you can now proudly tell people," I wanted to do this since i was a little boy and now i am successful."

- You who knew that you wanted to be a pilot even though you gave up the idea when you became short sighted. But when i ask you now, what you want to be, your answer is still a pilot.

- You who knew that you either wanted to be a nun or something along the line so that you could 'save the world'. You are now going for training soon to be some form of world saviour. :p

- You who always knew you would be in the PR or marketing line. You who have the talent and natural ability to socialise well with people and speak with confidence even though you sometimes say things too quickly.

I admire you..

A speck of dust

A speck of dust...

Small. Insignificant. No function. No purpose. No ambition.
It's only contribution to the society is to create jobs for people and headaches for others.
No one knows when it appears and when it disappears. Most people are oblivious to it.
It's lost. It takes the direction of the wind that carries it within.

This is me.

Ridiculous....

The increasing prices and the decreasing square areas are really quite irritating. In some ways, they are the main factors why people may resort to queueing for stuff even there are no official notices about the sale of it. The desperation of people to take leave to queue based on speculation just shows 2 things:

-LOTS of people want it

-There are not enough to go around because the new ones are expensive, small and basically reminds them of squatters..... Haiz... What to do? Join in the madness or just sit and wait patiently for our turn? Will we miss the turn if we do not join in the madness?

=====

Dictatorship sucks... Especially the dictators that are lazy, always not around and claim credit for others' efforts. Basically they just spoil the day for the people around them. Don't underestimate others. Don't find fault with things people do even though it is not exactly the way you want it, you lose respect.

=====

To my dear ma-dam: It sounds like there are loads of people taking really good care of you. That's good! I also want!!.... But the hidden meanings and the flowery language in your posts are causing people to worry and misunderstand.. so 'my friend' is really concerned. So reply his sms k? Hee...

Temptations....

Temptations are coming at me again.. Haiz...

Have you wondered why you are attracted to the beautiful advertisements in the magazines that lure you to covet the latest stuff? And that you are attracted to it even though you know that when you don't get it, you will be filled with disappointment and even compare yourself with those that do? The human brain is weird ah... I guess my brain is weird... I shall work to getting the stuff on my wishlist... haha.. one by one.. Shall find excuses to reward myself.. heh heh...

Anyway sometimes it feels good to just escape the place that you dread... you fill like there's fresh air and you are not trapped in the small space... I learnt a lesson in emotion management today. No matter what, i shall try to maintain an emotionless face and try my very best to be diplomatic. Help me k? Especially those who know how difficult it is for me to keep my emotions in check.. Hahaha....

Tired of surprises

I am tired... Tired of handling surprises that spring onto me at the last minute and expect me to solve them. Why can't you do it? Since it was originally your surprises? I like surprise, but not this type of surprises.

Am i a good listener? Do i convince you when i talk? Or do you just feel incessant grating on your ears when i talk? Do i seem like a stupid person when i talk? That i say things without processing them through my brain first? I hope i am able to convince you to change for the better, especially when people think i am capable of it.. The burden of other people's expectations...

To psycho magnet: what is making you think of throwing in the towel? What towel do you want to throw in? Anyway as the date draws closer, i hope you are prepared and ready for the hardwork and loads of fun that comes along with it. JIA YOU K!!!!!

The four of us shall go take crazy neoprints and spend lots of time decorating it together k? Then we can also update each other on our lives... *HUGZ*

It's getting out of control

2 chipmunks are very intent on hiding their nuts... Too intent. Hiding their nuts all over the place. They are afraid to let the other chipmunk know how many nuts they have already gathered. Often bluffing about the number, i don't know why. There is so much suspicion in the air..Tension.. But hopefully when someday something happens and they are required to pool their resources but are unable to find their nuts, I sincerely pray they will be spared the "I told you so!".....
Hopefully they will realise the folly of their actions before it is too late and it reaches a point where there is no return.

Hoping... really hoping they stop all these nonsense.

Running

You are running away... No one attempts to catch you, they just talk about you behind your back and try to survive. When your shit hits the fan, you are safely hiding somewhere while the rest hit by it clear up the mess and try to freshen up the room.

I hope you feel happy about it. Maybe you feel guilty but guess what? I don't think so..

You are so elusive, i think i should buy the lottery when i finally get the chance to have a proper conversation with you especially when you keep saying we should talk soon..

=========================================================

It's been a long time since my last entry. Still trying to keep up with things, the learning doesn't stop. Someone asked me the other day, " your training still going on ah?" Yup, it is, it is like a degree programme.. Lots of modules and some of the modules are hidden, you have to make mistakes before they surface and teach you the right things...

I know i sometimes contradict myself, i told you we will strive together to be Pinky and the Brain, but the very next day, i "su-ku" to you. Haha... maybe retail therapy really works. I should do it more often, after all i am always getting stuff for other people but i seldom reward myself.... Haha...Weird...

Anyway my exams are comin... *Fainting*... Hopefully i can pass or just scrape through... The competitor and perfectionist in me is warning me that i will be greatly disappointed if i fall short of my own expectations even though i won't admit to anyone, not even myself.

*Fingers crossed*

why?.... Very puzzled..

I am puzzled by human behaviour.. How can people so be obnoxious, selfish and noisy? How are they able to make loads of noise and yet not feel guilty about breaking other people's concentration? Selfish enough to make noise when people are presenting... Haiz.. I think human behaviour analysis is really tough....

How can people be so blind to things that are so obvious? Is it the genetic composition that makes a certain gender less sensitive to obvious signs or hints? Maybe i will slowly learn to accept this and not allow myself to be disappointed by it...

Don't ask me something which you already know the answer to... The least you can do is learn to read the signs... Isn't that one of your talents?

I will survive.. I have survived 7 days... Sometimes i feel suffocated and laden by the responsibilities that are slowly coming to rest on my shoulders. Sometimes i wonder, "Why me?" Other times i think," I made the choice, i live with the consequences." When i feel beaten, i wonder if i will ever be able to find something that i have confidence in doing, or will i be a lost soul and a good for nothing forever.

I am tired... Very..
Haven't had time to really sit down and listen to my own thoughts...

Please give me strength and endurance...

I lost my voice...

I lost my voice... my throat feels raw. BUT it was all worth it!!! Haha... screaming and singing at the EASON CHAN concert... Very worth it!! hee.. Mr huang bought tickets that allowed us to sit just 3 rows from the stage. Shiok man!!! When i first walked into the hall, i was a bit skeptical... All the chairs were just placed there.. It didn't seem like it was going to be a good concert, i was also worried that i screamed, i would be viewed as alien.... But i was SO wrong..Compared to some of the other people there, i was considered subdued. Haha...

The concert was just FANTASTIC!!!! GREAT!!! Damn Good!!! hee... Saw his wife and daughter too... Cute!!... There were some songs that i didn't really know but it was still such a good experience...The stage was very simple... Unlike in the advert where they showed him dancing... BUT his energy level is super HIGH!!! He was jumping all over the stage while singing but yet he didn't seem breathless at all.. When he sang the slow songs, you could just feel all the emotions and everyone focusing on him. I want to go to his concert again!!!! Hopefully the next time i can go Hongkong to see him perform... *Fingers crossed*

Only regret is that i didn't bring camera and light sticks..Slightly disappointed. On the back of the ticket, it said that photography and all that were not allowed, so i didn't bring. But people brought and were allowed to bring it in... Haiz.. If only i knew.. Then i can post some pics here...

I want to go again!!!!

Reality check...

It is 3 days to a new year where i will be going to a new area... Will have to adapt a new working environment and adopt a different role..Had been doing instructional role for the past 2 plus year, from 2007 will be doing a management role...

As i prepare and plan for the next year, there are things that i am considering. I know that my little dream of dancing is not going to happen.. haha... Next year will be hectic.. Work then rushing to starhub centre for studies, preparing for the dinner at the end of the year. So yup, there probably won't be time to squeeze in anything else. Even if i had, i probably won't be able to concentrate too..

Think time will pass very quickly next year.. Time flies when you are busy. Somehow i am looking forward to 2008 already. Looking forward to graduation coz that means that i can see the road to freedom..

2008... Long way from now... but worries have come early.. doubts too.. Will i be competent enough for the new responsibilities that i will assume? Will i be resentful if i look back and regret the times when i didn't make full use of the freedom? Will i be good enough? Will i end up like people around me, resented for their absence during the early years?

I did it.. haha.. somehow...

I did it... I managed to finish cooking the dishes at the same time he finished his.. I did fried cheese sticks, bruschetta and cream of broccoli soup.. haha.. There was a lot of cutting and toasting and rolling.. I think the maid must have been silently screaming! haha... She had to wash the blender over and over again coz i kept using after she washed it. The soup was quite easy to make.. The bruschetta too.. The cheese sticks were the most labour-intensive..I had to toast slices of bread and blend them to make the breadcrumbs. Then had to mix 2 types of flour which thankfully i had help with. Then beat eggs and mix with water.. Then i had to roll the mozareela sticks in flour followed by egg then breadcrumbs,egg again then lastly breadcrumbs again.. Guess what? I had not enough breadcrumbs, so while i was struggling to roll the cheese, i also had to toast and season breadcrumbs again...BUSY!!!! Lucky i started the soup quite early so i managed to finish 1 dish and just keep it warm.

I had help with the bruschetta too... Thank you thank you.. haha..In the end i still had some leaky cheese sticks.. :(. The cheese was not really melted in a few of the non-leaky ones.. But at least i had a few that were non-leaky and had stretchy cheese when bitten into... YIPPPEE!! Achievement liao.. Haha... considering that i was referring to the recipes all the time..They said it was nice. Yeah!! Happy!!

I cooked the exact same dishes for my parents the next day.. Haiz... this time i didn't have to refer to the recipes. The cheese sticks had really melted cheese... I know because this time MOST of the sticks were leaky! Sian!.. I even ended up with an empty one, because all the cheese had leaked while cooking.. So i guess if i am ever going to make it again, i shall prepare LOts of breadcrumbs..

Thank you for tha last minute advice on msn... Haha... Lucky i asked about the flour.. Coz i had already decided to use self raising flour as i thought they were the same..Looking forward to Sunday!... Yum yum..

oh... in addition to the previous post, i also want shades... I was eyeing the Oakley's script but i went to try and it rested on my cheeks instead of my nose, so not very ideal ah? Before that i tried a pair at forever 21, it rested on my nose.. yeah.. but not sure about the UV protection.. BUT when i went back to see it again.. it was no longer there... SOb sob.... So the hunt for the perfect pair of shades continues....

So nice....

Everything is so nice.. I want to buy everything... I am sure you do too.. That's why you had to refrain from trying them to prevent the temptation from overcoming you...

- Black, Shiny, Lovely, Gorgeous, high heels
- Green, CHECKED dress
- Red checked dress
- Handbag with red polka dots and white background from the shop with the 'straight- jacket' cuffs

Many many more are out there and waiting to be discovered!... But please do not take this as a hint from me k... I am just saying that i really think all these are very lovely... To me... instead of not trying them on, i try to prevent myself from giving in to temptation by reasoning with myself that i have very few occasions to use all these beautiful stuff..Hee. ... So then it is not value for money anymore...Different method,same effect.

Anyway when i tell you my financial status, i am not expecting you to volunteer to pay for my expenses.. I just needed to tell someone.. Anyway i figured i shouldn't do it anymore.. It only makes me look pathetic...

I want to be like that too....

I have to go for attachment soon... It is slowly becoming a pain in the neck.. this monthly thing.. But nothing can be done about it... just have to go...

I was in awe of someone the other day...As i was listening to him talk, i felt grateful and amazed at his wisdom.. He is able to tell people directly to their faces that their ideas don't work and they accept his honest opinion. When he does that, some may immediately label him as being negative but most of the times when they insist with going along with the idea and it fails, i have to resist the urge to tell them, "He told you so!". Haha.. No one dares to bully him or make him clear their rubbish.. Maybe because he has a "Don't mess with me" face...I don't really know why too... But one thing i do know, he is really important to some people. People trust him and truly believe in his abilities and competence... I have not but would really like to ask him, "What does it feel like to know that some people need you desperately to help them?" Does it feel extremely satisfying?
Sometimes i am also amazed at the foresight that he has, the ability to thoroughly give thought to every decision that he makes... I am glad that i have the chance to know him.. Maybe in the future, i will discover more qualities that amaze me..

Will he also discover qualities in me that will amaze him?

Can you be my guinea pig?

I cooked my first dinner yesterday! Haha... Of course with lots of help from my mother... Frying fish is still one of my fears.. haha.. Didn't want to let go of the fish.. scared that the oil will splash onto my fingers la! haha... Anyway the oil still landed on my fingers.. haha.. A bit pain.. but i guess i will get use to it soon.. After that i fried eggs.. This was the only dish that i did all on my own! Yippeee! It came out fluffy but very OILY...I think i put too much oil... Oops!!! The vegetable was ok la.. haha..came out normal.. Haha...His face was very interesting when my ma told him that i was cooking.. he seem very pleased... haha...

I went Arab street on wednesday... Finally get to go there.. haha.. Saw lots of stores selling cloth and more cloth.. haha... I was very tempted to buy some of the scarves on sale so that i could cut them up and make small outfits.. haha.. To show who? actually no one la.. just maybe to convince myself that i have what it takes.. But the truth is i have absolutely no idea about the techniques and basics involved in dressmaking.. So if anyone out there has lots of scrap cloth, can donate to me,.,...Pleeease?... As i was walking along the shops, i was thinking of making one of my own drawings into an outfit for myself,. hee... Or is there anyone who wants to lend me your figure then i can try try on you? haha,... Be my guinea pig can? but i promise you no diarrhoea... haha...

Interesting...

I went to watch my first Hindi movie on tuesday night.. I watched Dhoom 2 with Ottie... Haha,... i didn't even know what the movie was about when i was buying the tickets... When the guy at the counter said it was an indian movie, i was like, "Huh?" then after that i said ya.. Haha.. Right after i bought the tickets and was waiting for her to arrive, she smsed and told me that the movie was an indian movie but there were english subtitles.. haha.. Then she said the movie was 3 hrs long! And that there was an interval.. haha.. first time i have heard of something like that...

The movie was quite interesting.. The stunts cool, the dancing inspiring and the songs infectious... After i left the cinema and was walking back home, i was still humming the song.. haha.. The female leads were gorgeous! and the actor playing the thief had really mesmerizing eyes.. Yes...Ottie... He's really hot.. haha!!I must say it was a pleasant experience... The house that they were filming in when they escaped to Brazil was very nice!!!! I want to stay there!!! Even the house of the cop's sister was very interesting.. Colourful and so very colourful!!.. haha...

Before i went to meet her, i went to cut my hair in the afternoon... haha.. All i can say is that in some ways, 'Ah Gong' is back and alive... My fringe has not been so short since secondary school when i was nicknamed ah gong. haha!! Good old times....

I was told an interesting piece of information while we having dinner and waiting for the show to start... To You: You have waited so long for the opportunity and finally it has presented itself to you.. Remember when you thought you had failed the 2nd test? This is your chance to do the thing that you are so passionate about... Maybe in this way, you will be saving the world bit by bit... All the best dear!!!

If my migration date had not been altered, we would be starting on our new paths on the same day.. haha...

I am still looking for the direction to chase my dreams,.. Currently i am still stuck in a thick fog, unsure of the directions available and which one i should take...

I want....

I want to do everything and anything that i want to do... I think this might sound very familiar to you... After all, you also want to do it..

I want to:
- Be able to make clothes
- Be able to say confidently i believe in the things i draw
- Dance in performances
- Play a small but significant role in any kind of production, be it theatre, dance etc...
- Travel the world, immerse in the cultures of the countries

At the moment, this is what i can think of.. I guess as time goes by, more will be added to the list..Even now as i look back, there are a few things that i wished that i had done better or had the guts and time management to do it..Would life have been different if i had chose to walk a different education and career path? Sometimes i am afraid to say the dreams that i have. Afraid that the things that i think i am capable of doing are actually of below average standards..
I guess i am still looking for something that i can proclaim loudly and proudly," This is what i am best at!"
Will you feel like i am copying the things that you are doing, that i have no originality of my own and that i am just a copycat with no strengths?

There was a day when we were just walking around, he told me that i could develop the things that i was dabbling with into a service where it is unique and every piece is custom made to the individual's idea... Immediately a fantasy developed in my head.. I could do that and go volunteer at some arts troupe or something.. haha.. A bit ridiculous ah.. By the time i am free to do that, my bones will probably be creaking or i will have to deal with other responsibilities.. That's why i call it a fantasy. Haha...

Anyway to the 'Imelda Marcos' amongst us.. Thank you for the invitation to browse and borrow from your collection.. Sorry that it will always be me borrowing from you and never the other way round... think the stuff in my wardrobe are quite blah.. haha... Anyway i think i roughly know what your next step will be... I am sure you will be very happy with the decision that you are going to make.. You will definitely succeed... Don't let people affect you or allow weird thoughts to be implanted in your head.

Lonely...

Before you gals panic... everything is fine.. I am lonely in other areas of my life... Not the relationship portion...

I always ask people around me what it feels like to have siblings...They say there will be arguments but at the same time they have someone to share their problems. Some have a huge age gap between themselves and their siblings and may not be that close... But as they always say "Blood will always be thicker than water". I always wondered what it would be like to have sibling? Do you feel safer? Have a better sense of security?

To me... I would be very happy to have a sibling.. There are always things that you can't tell your parents because you know they will have difficulty understanding.. Having someone of the same generation to listen is nice.. You may tell me to confide in my friends.. But sometimes not everything can be told to friends.. You don't really want to 'air your dirty laundry' right?
Haha.. another plus point that i can see is that you could raid each other's wardrobe.. Technically you can have 2 wardrobes to choose from.. haha.. This is if i had a sister ah... But even having a brother will be good.. Can ask him to handle the bullies that disturb you.. haha..

But i guess i will be content to have really good friends... I read a few pages of Nicole Richie's book... And there was a line that said good friends were like diamonds.. They will shine brightly in your life.. I am glad and thankful that i have a few diamonds in my life.. I don't really know what i did to deserve them but i am still thankful for them.. *HUGZ*

Surprise or no?

Recently some one asked me if i was going to buy her the thing that she told me she wanted or that i was going to surprise her with something.. I told her that i was going to buy her the thing that she told me.. I am sorry, I don't dare to tell you that i will surprise you.. Simply because i feel more secure when i am buying you something that i am confident you really like it...

Sometimes i want to get people gifts without asking them or telling them.. But the truth is, I don't trust my own taste... I may get something which the other person thinks it's toally hideous but is too polite to tell me... Maybe that's the main reason why i always ask my freinds what they want for presents, be it birthdays or X'mas... I think i feel more at ease when i buy things for my friends which i know is exactly what they had been eyeing for long... Especially when some of my friends already have everyting they need... (*Hint Hint... Miss Hoo....*).. :P. To my friends: Sorry for always asking so directly what all of you want.. I have tried to listen carefully and to pay attention to the things that my friends take interest in so that at least i have an idea of what to get.
Maybe it is not in my blood.. But if i listen or pay attention to the things that fascinate my friends, i will find out that by the time i want to go buy it, it has probably been bought by my efficient friends.. haha.. Or i will forget along the way.. Some kind of friend that i am ah.. haha...

Marry christmas to all.. It would be great if singapore had snow, then we would have a white christmas... Possible?

Wow...

I went to a friend's wedding today... Very enlightening... I was part of the 'brothers' gang.. haha... Went to stay over at the groom's house the night before, followed them to pick his bride up.. Very interesting.. I always hear about people talking about the little details but i didn't know there were SO many little details.. Little little things that are very important and cannot be handled by anyone except the chosen ones...

Timing was a very important factor too... Each portion was scheduled to end at a certain timing so that the whole day would run smoothly...We reached the bride's house and braced ourselves for a 'tekan' session... Haha.. we had to eat mashmallows covered with a mixture of coffee, wasabi and vinegar.. Hmmm... Don't really know how to describe the taste.. Then the 'jie meis' of the bride passed a piece of paper that had been folded to form 3 connecting hearts and a tube of lipstick. The brother's had to put the lipstick on and cover the paper with as many kisses as possible.. HAHA.... HS went first and when he tried to apply the lipstick, i think he applied too much force and he broke the lipstick... But the brothers gamely put the lipstick and covered the paper.. Haha... Most of them had 'sausage lips' and 'blood stained' fingers after that... HAHAHAHA...It was a very funny sight...

When i was observing the entire procedure, many thoughts were running through my mind. Why do we have so many customs? What are their purposes? Yet at the same time, i am proud that we have such a rich heritage and proud of some of the customs.. Also i observed that there were really a lot of steps that had to be followed strictly..
We had buffet dinner at Ritz Carlton... First time i entered any Ritz Carlton in the world... A bit of a mountain tortoise ah... But it was VERY VERY nice.... Lovely... The staff were really friendly and ready to help at any time.. But i felt a bit awkward... Didn't feel very comfortable because i think it's a bit too posh for me... Don't really know the appropriate behaviour.. hee...

I think i better use the next few weddings i attend as learning sessions..

Today's post is a little short.. The lack of sleep due to sleeping at 3 am and waking up at 6am is kicking in... Goodnight my dears.. I have sent emails to most of you to view the photos on Yahoo photo album.. Go see k? Hee...Some of the photos are a bit weird.. I look either like a chipmunk or just plain weird... Just go see k... Anyway for those of you who have received your bonus, Enjoy it!!! For those who haven't, it's on the way k... Patience, Hee...

Goodnight... Sweet dreams

You called this efficiency?

You call this efficiency? What the hell? What is your definition?

i am an unwanted cow... I haven't gone over to the other meadow but i am already been milked for profits. What the hell... So that's how a system works... Now i know..

Don't call it a system when you don't bother about the feelings and situations of the people involved. A word of advice to ALL boses or superiors out there: When you have to make a decision that concerns a person's future, Consult the person first, ask for that person's feelings and thoughts. That's the basic courtesy you should give.. BASIC courtesy...

So frantic... no time to think...

I have so many things runnning through my mind now... I have to think about going from one place to another tmr. Then after that have to go spend the night at a friend's house who is getting married the next day. Then i have to plan what i want to wear for the day. But in between i have to rush off to the other side of singapore and rush down to the hotel, change clothes and attend the dinner... So unglam... And so very tiring...

And i just realised the sad reality as i stare at my wardrobe.. i have worn the same dress to a few occasions already.. My trusty LBD... haha... that only cost me 20 buck from This Fashion a long time ago... GOoood buy.. haha.. Anyway i still need to find a recipe for a dip for fried mozarella cheese sticks.. If any suggestions and recipes, PLEASE let me know k?... Thanx thanx...

Wanted to wash the clothes before my ma gets back from India... But don't know whether i will have the time to do so... Looking forward to her stories when she gets back.,.... Can't wait...

Goodnight dear all... Going to sleep... Hope my mind can get some rest...

Pissed off...

I feel like we have been taken for fools along many others by people who want to make it appear that their developments are greatly sought after.

We received information via sms like the 5700 other people who applied for "The Premiere" at tampines but didn't get it the first time. We were told that there was now walk in selection for the flats.

Why did i just know that this was going to happen? Was it because they didn't ask us to specify the type of flat we were applying in the application form? Did they actually know exactly how many people wanted 5-rm, how many wanted 4-rm and how many wanted 2-rm? Did they even consider the priority cases? Did they consider the amount of applicants and double it specifically according to the specific flats available or did they just take the total number of flats and double it to get the amount of people eligible for balloting?

When i checked the net, there were still many units that were not taken up.. Sigh... So much for efficiency. Never mind.. We decided to give it another shot. In the sms sent to us, they didn't state the place for the walk in selection. Maybe to some of you, it's common sense that it would be at the showflat. But for me, i was unsure whether it would be at the showflat or at HDB. So what was the next best thing i did? I called them.

Ha.. Maybe i shouldn't have. I think that phone call brought up my blood pressure and pulse rate. I called and the person on the other side of the phone said, "YA!". Can you imagine the rude shock i received? I told her i was calling about the walk in selection and again she was,"YA?"... Hmmmm... i think her dictionary is quite limited ah... Never mind, i asked her NICELY where the selection would be at and she told me, "At the showflat, of course!".
To this particular LISA, if you are unhappy, having a bad hair day or whatever, DON'T answer the phone. Don't even sit near one! The person on the other end certainly doesn't deserve or appreciate the 'polite' tone of your voice and your monosyllabic answers.

We went down to queue in hope that maybe, just maybe we could still have a chance at getting at a flat even though we knew chances were slim. When we reached there, there was a crowd at the entrance and a sign stating that there were only 56 flats left. There was a queue in the slight drizzle. I stood behind this lady who was remarking that she came down at 10 to help queue for her friend but became drenched so she went back to get a change of clothes. She told me that there were unhappiness because the people queued and when they reached the entrance, they were told that the quota for chinese owners was full. Guess what. It almost happened to us too. We also started queueing but everyone was uncertain whether the quota was full so relatives went to check whole the rest stood in line. And true enough, the quota was full.

At once, the queue shortened.... We even saw a couple that came out looking quite unhappy. Apparently they were already inside the showflat for quite a long time but because of tardiness, they were deprived of a chance to get a flat.

I am not disappointed that we didn't get the flat. Just appalled at the system that the company chose to handle the applications, ballots etc... I am sure people who had to take urgent leave, queued for ages for nothing would be furiously nodding their heads in agreement. Maybe it's a marketing ploy or something, to prove that people are really interested in the project. But making everyone run around like fools on a wild goose chase isn't very nice, don't you think?

I guess i am more interested in the transparency at how the company handled the applications. Did they consider the priority cases? When informing the people about the walk in selection, was everyone informed at the same time? Did they inform the priority cases first? Or there were some people that received the sms late due to the jam in the network?....

To me, the goverment's push for more people to get married and have children is a good thing, to prevent an aging population. But firstly, it is important to see if the situations allow it. There is really no point in encouraging more people to set up families when flats are getting smaller, closer to each other and more expensive. Will we end up like our ancestors where they lived in squatters? Or will just end up with a aging population because young couples are unwilling to have children and pack their families in small and uncomfortable spaces?

Delayed reaction....

In the phuket trip, i had a feeling of self achievement.. I finally had the guts to do something that i had been procrastinating for a very long time.. Why had i been pushing it back for such a long time? I have no idea.. guess i am afraid when people see me do it, they will say," Huh? Like that also dare to wear ah."

Ottie... I think you might have an idea of what i am talking about.. I remember on 1 occasion i told you very excitedly that i was going to get myself a set but never got down to it. Until a few months ago, i told Nana to help me order it together with some stuff she was getting for her friends. It was weird wearing so little and walking around. But i guess i could seek consolation in the fact that if the sight of me was giving people sore eyes, they will probably never see me again.

It's weird, now i am inspired to get myself a few more sets so that if i go for summer holidays again, i don't have to wear the same set for all the days... hee... So i guess i can say goodbye to 'racer-back' tan lines soon...

Why did i call this post "Delayed reaction"?

At my age, i want to go clubbing and see what is in it that interests the young and restless.. Not that i am very old now.. but you get my meaning. But now when i have the freedom and the financial ability to go, all the novelty of going has worn off my friends. Haha... That day one of the elder people in my organisation laughed at me... He joked that i was wasting my youth, so young but never been in a club or pub before. I argued that i was not interested and he asked if i had even stepped into one.. And the sad truth is nope.

So i guess that's where the delayed reaction is.. Now, I do things that people have probably lost interest in and stopped doing.. Why didn't i decide to join them when it was all the rage?

Reflecting and anticipating the future.....

Just came back from Phuket... Went back to the beautiful, secluded and soooo very exclusive world of Laguna Phuket.. Your worries get lifted off your shoulders the moment the car passes the entrance and immediately you feel you have entered a entirely different world...

Thank you!!! Thank you to you for this wonderful wedding present!! Lotsa Love!!!

Remember you told me that day at Sembawang. You said that now you had another sister? It felt very unreal to me.. hee... Please don't take this in a bad way.. Maybe i am very used to being alone.. But suddenly after you said that.. it's like my dreams of having a sibling have come true.. hee.. Hope your goose bumps are not coming out.. Anyway in short, just want to say i was very touched when you said that.. Very touched.. *Sob sob*... :) Anyway your reaction to my friends running on their back breaking heels was very cute.. haha... If you want lobang to buy shoes from online shops, just tell me k.. hee... anyway i also got a list of online shopping websites.. Haha.. It's the list that leads to Ottie calling me the devil because sending her the list will lead to her buying more stuff.. Heh heh...

Sitting at the balcony and looking at the lagoon in phuket was very calming and let me to think of many many things... I am still learning to accept the changes in my life.. I caught him looking at his finger quite a few times after Tuesday... I still catch him doing that.. hee. I think in some ways, it tells me how it important it is to him and at the same time i think he is also slowly coming to terms with the situation. But whenever i catch him glancing at his ring, it gives me a very warm and fuzzy feeling inside...

We went to swim in the sea... So fun!!! First time i swam in the sea... Was a little scary at first.. but after the initial jitters, it was amazing fun. We soaked in the sea, allowed the waves to push us and when we were filling wrinkled, went back to shore to enjoy our coconuts. We were covered by waves on 2 occasions.. hee. The waves broke above our heads and there was no escaping. I even swallowed a mouthful of sea water as I tried to gasp for air. haha.. What an experience.. Life should be like that... Haha... I could easily be addicted to that kind of life..

Wore the ring on my third finger as it was a little loose and i didn't want to lose it in the middle of the sea, that would be my GREATEST nightmare... His ring is so tight he has difficulty removing it on his own and i had to help him.. Something I said while helping him remove the ring is still stuck in my head.
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I told him," I put this ring on your finger and I shall be the only one to remove it."
Think this statement to me is very important.. Hopefully it is of equal importance to him. Think the situations surrounding a person can add to his/her paranoia.
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We went for a spa on the second day.. I think it was a very new experience for him as this was the first time he was going for a spa.. It was very amusing watching him. Think the lady doing for him must have thought that he was insane.. He kept laughing! After a while, when the lady was about to massage his legs, she would steal a look at his face and i could see a smile forming on her face as she knew that the moment she applied pressure, he would laugh.. Haha..
But i think the massage we had in our rooms was more bearable for him. Maybe because the lady applied more strength, so it didn't feel that ticklish for him


We had our breakfast of biscuits and nutella every morning while sitting at the balcony and facing the lagoon.. Sitting there, i couldn't help reflecting on the events that took place on Tuesday.. If someone told me i was able to turn back time to Tuesday, i think i would choose not to take the option. Both of us felt that apart from us overlooking to provide tea and coffee after the meal, there was nothing that we regretted and wanted to change even if we had the chance.

It's amazing, isn't it?It seems like a long time has passed but in fact, it hasn't even been a week...
We sat at the balcony and decided to discuss our future. But then we realised that we couldn't discuss much as nothing is confirmed. But we both know that our next trip will prob be a long way down the road.. Our next target is to get our degree...

Oh no... studying coming up... think my brains are a little rusty... Hopefully i can catch up.

Think this post is a little confusing.. there are no clear links between each paragraph. Lots of thoughts in my head that are rushing to come out.. Hope no one is confused.

Read Ottie's blog and saw the pics... Very nice!!! erh... but got photo, i think my arm looks fat... ARGHHHHH!!!!... Oh no!... i think after all the eating and slacking in phuket, it is going to look fatter!! AHHHHH!!!! Oh no!!! Must go run liao.... :P

Anyway i am going to sleep.. have to go collect the cd rom from the shop tomorrow and shall tell you if the photos are good k... Goodnight dear all! Sleep tight and sweet dreams!!