I cried...

I cried.... Not once but on 2 consecutive days...

Once in my office.. Thankful that no one entered and saw me in that embarrassing state...

The second time however, was not so lucky... It took only this sentence,"Xiaomei, how are you?" for me to break down uncontrollably.. I already tried my best to avoid him so that I won't have to risk crying in front him.. But he spotted me.. The more he asked, the harder i cried.. What a bloody weakling I am! The 2 other people involved in the conversation must have thought I was mad.. Reality is such.. In the line of work that I am in, ladies are already considered weaker, a crying woman is even worse!

When he learnt that I was the only one and that there was no one to help me, he said he understood why I was feeling so terrible.. His arm around my shoulder was very comforting but brief...

The stress is overwhelming. It is consuming me.. Somedays I feel like giving up totally and voicing out that I want to get out.. In my previous post, I said I was determined not to let the place collapse under me.. This is proving damn tough.. Do i have the determination, preserverance and strength to pull this off?

You think that the stress is self-inflicted..No, it isn't.. I am like a person with 4 heads.. I am wearing 4 hats.. Very Tiring... I have to also deal with indirect criticism.. People who tell me indirectly that I am not doing a good job of controlling the people under me... Yes, I used to kick butt but that was because I knew exactly what I was supposed to do.. Now? I am not even on the first rung of the ladder..

The previous place was worse than now, but I was in a group of people and we suffered together. We knew exactly how the other person was feeling because we were going through the exact same thing. But now, I am alone.. I can't complain or discuss with anyone.. I am stranded in the middle of the large ocean with no compass, no sense of direction, no idea where land is but just paddling hard.

Paddling hard and hoping that at the end of the day, my brute force will get me somewhere..