Retail therapy

I feel the blues.. I work looking forward to the weekends all the time. I feel happy when i look at pretty things, both online and feeling the real thing.

But I am controlling... I feel the tension in me release when I walk into a shop or see something online that is really nice.. I tell myself, "I Want! but cannot.. save money.. haha.." Then I will walk out of the shop.. Dilemma of feelings.. Happy that I resisted the urge, but sad that I didn't purchase it. I am not being stingy with myself, but the money that is being forcefully saved will probably come in handy next time especially with the RAPIDLY INCREASING standard of living and the rising prices of every single thing except our pay.

I want:
- Tree Tee from wetseal.com that now only comes in size L: So no need to buy.. Yeah! :(
- Robot tee with hearts also from wetseal... Still considering
- Prima Crocs.. Considering since the day i saw it featured in Urban
- 2 tops from mandee.com
- simple heels that can be worn for shopping but will not hurt my feet
- a day to relax at some spa.. body scrub and massage sounds good to get away from all the madness
- Maryjane heels from gojane.com: But no more black.. so it gives me an excuse not to buy too...
- Many Many more!

Now I understand why people go for retail therapy. It makes you feel real good...

Everyday..

Everyday I wonder, "Why me?"

Everyday I try to motivate myself.

Everday I cross my fingers and pray very hard that nothing will crop up in that day.

Everyday I pray I can go home from work in peace.

Everyday I hope I did at least one right thing.

Everyday I hope that the decisions I made were wise and beneficial to all.

Everyday I complain to myself and whine silently.

Everyday I pray for a replacement to get me out of my misery.

Everyday I try not to talk back when people tell me to hang in there and that the experience would make me a better person.

Everyday I go to sleep, thinking about the events and my actions in the day.

Everyday I wake up and silently dread the day that I will be facing.

Everyday I try to shrug the fatigue that threatens to overwhelm me and push forward.

Everyday I try to do the best I can so I won't be labelled a failure.

Everyday I try to look forward to things that will make my day.

BUT...

Everyday, Something will end up making me sad.

This is the story of my life now.

I am blessed!

This is one of my happy posts.. I must admit they are decreasing, but I am making an effort to be happy and to count my blessings. This is precisely what I am going to do now.

Today I am delighted with 2 things. I have booked tickets to watch Christina Aguilera in concert. Can't wait!! Very excited. I am sure Naz is way more excited than me. In addition, i have realised how much someone values my happiness. She is willing to accompany me to watch the concert immediately after i asked her even though it may be tight on her budget. LOVE YOU! I am blessed to have a dear friend like her.

In my previous posts, i have always been lamenting the difficulties on the work front. Today I shall continue on the good things in my life. This is not to say that the work difficulties have magically disappear.. Haha... I wish it did! But alas, they continue to be present..

Back to the good things,

I have friends that I love loads and who love me too...

I have my dear someone who I know loves me too but doesn't express it well...

I have parents that love me too..

I guess these 3 things are most important to me and are vital for my mental survival.. haha..

So to those that feel my blog is becoming a very deep and dark one, this is one of the few light hearted posts.. :)

What can I say?

I am blessed!

Bored Stiff....

You sleeping... I waiting...

It happens all the time..

You say half an hour.. but it never happens, it will ALWAYs drag longer than that...

Damn boring.. Maybe it is the difference in personality.. I can't stand just sitting around and doing nothing but you are happy to just lie in bed all day..

It is driving me crazy.. I don't even mean we must go out to buy stuff.. but just doing something, play some sport downstairs, surf the net together or something.. Better than me watching you sleep and waiting for you to wake up...

I cried...

I cried.... Not once but on 2 consecutive days...

Once in my office.. Thankful that no one entered and saw me in that embarrassing state...

The second time however, was not so lucky... It took only this sentence,"Xiaomei, how are you?" for me to break down uncontrollably.. I already tried my best to avoid him so that I won't have to risk crying in front him.. But he spotted me.. The more he asked, the harder i cried.. What a bloody weakling I am! The 2 other people involved in the conversation must have thought I was mad.. Reality is such.. In the line of work that I am in, ladies are already considered weaker, a crying woman is even worse!

When he learnt that I was the only one and that there was no one to help me, he said he understood why I was feeling so terrible.. His arm around my shoulder was very comforting but brief...

The stress is overwhelming. It is consuming me.. Somedays I feel like giving up totally and voicing out that I want to get out.. In my previous post, I said I was determined not to let the place collapse under me.. This is proving damn tough.. Do i have the determination, preserverance and strength to pull this off?

You think that the stress is self-inflicted..No, it isn't.. I am like a person with 4 heads.. I am wearing 4 hats.. Very Tiring... I have to also deal with indirect criticism.. People who tell me indirectly that I am not doing a good job of controlling the people under me... Yes, I used to kick butt but that was because I knew exactly what I was supposed to do.. Now? I am not even on the first rung of the ladder..

The previous place was worse than now, but I was in a group of people and we suffered together. We knew exactly how the other person was feeling because we were going through the exact same thing. But now, I am alone.. I can't complain or discuss with anyone.. I am stranded in the middle of the large ocean with no compass, no sense of direction, no idea where land is but just paddling hard.

Paddling hard and hoping that at the end of the day, my brute force will get me somewhere..

The Phantom....

Blistered and tired feet... But worth it..

I went to watch the Phantom of the Opera today! It was "Fantabulous"!!.. haha.. if there's such a word.. Watched my first musical/play with Ottie... It was Glam Gals night.. haha..

Sorry... no pics.. I didn't bring a camera..Here is a pic of the killer heels that gave me height and blisters.. But this is the first time I feel so glam.. but of course... there were a lot of people looking at THE Gorgeous One in the orange dress next to me.. haha.. Anyway Thank you for playing a part in this memory and experience for me.. Looking forward to future outings like this... Maybe we shall go watch a ballet?

Back to the performance, I think the cast was brilliant. Each and everyone of them..There were times when the singing and the emotions that could be heard from their singing caused me to have goose pimples.... I think the backstage crew were even better. The change of the backdrops and the props were so quick, it was almost like the curtains came down and went up immediately.

The chandelier was..... Very Nice!!!! Nice!! Nice!!!..Sooo very nice!!!

The sound effects were really good too.. There were times when the voices were projected from different corners of the theatre and I found myself looking in the direction to see if the actor was there... Haha.. a bit silly but the sound was that good!...

The costumes too.. Especially in the Masquerade scene... Lots of BLING!! I especially liked one of the ladies that looked like she was trying to be a spider.. Her skirt was similar to a web, but it was a very BLING web.. haha!!..

The performance was also very inspiring to me.. Hopefully someday I can be part of something like that..

Ottie: Think you are psychic.. either that or you really know me damn well.. You know exactly what I am going to say..
"Follow your dreams.." I hope to too... But sometimes it will have to depend on other situations. I hope you will be by my side when and if I do end up following it... :)

Haven't felt so happy for a very long time..

The happiness will be shortlived when Monday comes but it will inspire and motivate me to hang in there so that I can have the chance to try and follow my dreams..

Wish me luck and continue to give me strength!