1 big equation

Dealing with unreasonable people
+
Fatigue from constant lack of sleep
+
Self-inflicted pressure
+
Internal Audit
+
Stress from trying to finish projects
+
Stress from trying to start studying for exams
+
Falling way behind the schedule that I planned for myself
+
Knowing that the people working under you do not see the big picture and take their work lightly
+
A person asking me is everything ok?

= A major breakdown+ hot tears of frustration

An unavoidable one.. One that i should have hid in the adjacent dark room to prevent other people from seeing. But too late! No time to hide and wallow in tears of frustration. Work continues, problems continue to present themselves. At least I can seek comfort in the fact that only 4 people saw my teary face. It is bad enough but if i must offer myself consolation, then i will have to be comforted that not everyone saw.. haha...

1 down, 1 more to go

It's finally over. Glad that i managed to answer his questions.. Haha.. felt small... but anyway its normal. Tired.. Left work only at 8 plus. Eventful ah.. the projector had problems at the very last minute... People not turning up at the last minute... Having a nasty red bump on my head coz it got hit by the sliding door, having to clean up people's puke.. Felt like crying.. but had to be strong for the entire thing to run smoothly.. why is it always such a struggle...

Do i feel happy its over? Maybe... I guess i would have expected to speak to him, to tell him the troubles and evaluate if he was worth talking to.. But no chance,.. so it's ok. I don't really feel anything. Don't feel relieved, don't feel happy either.. Just a mixture of feelings that cannot be put into words.

I learnt that i will soon be moving again.. How does this piece of news make me feel? Somehow the feeling of being unwanted and thrown to clear other people's shit seems familiar.. Mmmm.. When was the last time i had the same feeling? I think it was only about 3 months ago!... Amazing how things go round in circles right? And what a small circle it is...

Given up.. I thought there would be a session where he would speak to each department separately but nope! didn't happen...

If you are confused, ask me directly.. Many things cannot be explained explicitly here... too sensitive...

P.S: For those that have worked with me, am i capable in your eyes?

Crossroads..

Ever wondered where you will be if you made chose different decisions at that particular point of time?



Do you look back and think about whether you made the right choice with the decision that you chose?



Is it a bad thing that you often think about the possible outcomes if you had decided otherwise then?



If i chose differently,

- I could be doing something that is totally different from what i am doing now. Probably shopping everyweek for office wear.. haha..

- I could be armed with a degree now instead of struggling for one now.

- I could have studied overseas and working overseas now.

- I could have a totally different group of friends and colleagues.

- I could be with a totally different guy now and leading a different life too.

Do i sound like i am regretting things? No... I am not k...

Just that when i am tired, frustrated and feel like giving up, I sometimes visualise myself standing at a junction and having to choose between two roads.

Someone asked me if i regretted my decision. I hesitated. He also asked if i still liked the job and what would be the factors that would make me stay. I don't really know my answer to the questions. Sometimes you are just very disappointed by the things that happen around and to you, such that it is difficult for you to gain new motivation or to re-discover the fire and level of energy and enthusiasm you started with.

Skills learnt

What skills will I bring along with me when i leave in 2 yrs time? Will these skills help in find another job easily?

Sometimes I look at the outside world and it seems better.. Isn't always the case? The grass on the other side is greener. Anyway at least when they leave a company, they probably leave with a network of people and skills required to survive the corporate world through the mistakes that they learnt during their first years at work.

What about me? The skills that i bring with me, will they allow me to survive once I leave the organisation where i gained them? Will people wonder how i have worked for 4-6 years but learnt nothing about handling office or business relationships?

Will you laugh at me if i tell you i am really into performing or into backstage work? I am actually thinking of applying for production assistant once i leave.. The difference or dip in income will probably be one of the factors that will lead me to act otherwise. hahaha.... I believe this is my ideal form of escaping from reality. Sometimes i look at performing artistes, they are able to assume roles and characters that they will not be able to fulfill in their normal life. It is an ideal form of fantasy.. haha

Uncertain.. again

My migration location and date is uncertain again. All i know is that I am no longer required at the present location. Because of something called transformation which is overwhelming all organisations and my brain (OD la: Organisational Development, something that i have to study which deals with change and talks about transformation too!!!!)

So I am an invisible force that is covering the job of someone who is supposed to be there but which the organisation is still trying its best to recruit.. haha. Best of luck ah.. Now not as easy to bluff people into the organisation anymore ah.. too many horror stories and too many victims that have walked away with horrible experiences and permanent scars. Sounds scary ah? It is.

Where do I go from here and when do i go?????? DON"T KNOW! No one seems to be interested in letting me know.. No one probably cares too.. haha... just wait lor.. Wait till the person comes then see where they decide to throw or kick me to...

Real busy these days,... All the things are coming together..
-Manpower abruptly taken away from me but with no news of replacement,scrambling with the little manpower left, but expected to do great amount of quality stuff.
-Big boss coming to visit: will it be the time for me to expose secrets of 'naughty people'?
-Auditors coming to check....
- Final exams coming plus projects that have heavy weightage!!

AHHHH!!!! All within the next few weeks too... I think I won't have the energy and time to enjoy my b'dae... Haiz... what's new?.. For the past 4 years that I have been in the organisation, it has been so... Spent my 21st birthday in training.. If you ask me, i have no fantastic memories of it.. sadly...

Only motivation? Bangkok on 19th... Yeah!! can't wait... Gals, if you have anything that you want me to buy back, let me know k????

Mmmmmm.....

After 3 runs, experienced the same feeling. The 4km was the worst, seeing the 'stars and birds' while i was running.. The other 2 were after the run, while standing there. I did proper warm up and cool down. Haha.. one of the guys that saw me bending over and fidgeting non-stop asked if i was very tired. When i told him that i was feeling a little dizzy, he freaked out slightly, told me my face was pale. It's freaking me out slightly too, so after the 3rd time it happened, i took my BP : was 105/50... Lower than it used to be, way much lower.. What could have caused the significant drop? Mmmmmm... Decided not to think much about it, but couldn't control my curiousity so decided to seek some 'professional' advice. Haha... but didn't tell much, didn't tell about the uncomfortable feelings after the runs, just asked if it was normal for a person to have BP like this...Apparently it is....Mmmmm...

Today was weird.. didn't feel right at all... so took my BP again.. still around the same region.. So i decided not to do much again. Haha.. Anyway i spent the whole day feeling like my feet were not touching the ground and my head hurt at certain times. Felt like the room was spinning at some moments.. But me, who hates to go to the doctor and will not go unless being forced decided not to bother despite the fact that one was just a door away.. haha...

Mmmmm... Maybe i should have elaborated the first time i asked for professional advice.. Maybe i should be worried... Maybe i am just being paranoid... Think i shall let my body give me further clues....