Shut the bloody hell up!!

Why do people not know when to keep their bloody mouths shut?!!

Like a radio that has its repeat button permanently pressed down, he just keeps going on and on. He says "Talk with substance, speak with style". It's easy to say, isn't it. But it's quite obvious he doesn't practice what he preaches.

No one is interested in all the "good" that you are doing. You always claim to be a good leader, a guru and a senior. But what's the point of it all? A good leader or mentor is not one that only brags about himself, all the supposedly useful projects that he has done or the power that he claims to have. Most importantly, someone that "noble" will not condemn others while bragging about himself.

The past is past. Do not always try to boast about your glorious history.

Firstly : no one is interested

Secondly : you have repeated it so many times that i am sure people "shut down" when they hear the same opening sentence.

Thirdly : Are you really really sure your history is THAT glorious??

So, just shut the bloody hell up!!!

Don't talk about grooming the young. You claim to be so senior etc.. Then where is the guidance? The worst thing a senior can do is to plant spies. Spies that report to you so that you can use the information against the unsuspecting people.

Do you really think no one is aware what a bloody idiot you are? Or are you underestimating everyone's intelligence?

Serenity

What is your definition of serenity?

Mine:


~Running along the reservoir and watching men cast their rods



~Looking at the silhouettes of the men cast on the water by the setting sun



~Sitting on the bench, watching sun set and listening to Enya



~Observing the calm waters and paddle pop like sky



~Enjoying the cool breeze


It's amazing how simple pleasures such as these can be so refreshing...for the mind and body.

Round and round they go

The thoughts are like a continuous merry go round.. There is no stop button and no power switch to switch it off. I keep asking myself the same questions, keep considering the same factors. Too many "What ifs" cloud my brain. The issue of suitability, experience, economy etc contribute to the merry go round everyday..

I am driving myself nuts and probably the people around me too..

My vampire tendencies are back and even worse than before. Sitting up more often during the night and scaring the hell out of Mr H..

I feel inadequate. Questions that I have no answers to. Information that I take extremely long to process and digest. Have I unconsciously slipped into a particular mental state also known as "THE MOOD"? I compare myself now and then. It seems like I was more eager to find out what was going on when I was there in 2007. The difference between then and now is so vast. I have spent a year here but yet I still say "Erh, I don't really know" almost everytime I am asked something. Why do I seem to have lost the drive? I seem to be constantly blaming the environment and the people within.

Is the true problem within myself?

HCMC experienced again

The flight was approximately 1 hour and 45 mins. For me, it was almost 2 entire hours of tolerance training. I had the good fortune of sitting next to 3 families with babies and toddlers that were just sitting in rows next to mine. The best part of it all? There was always 1 kid crying and wailing his heart out. There was a period where ALL 3 were wailing at the same time. Although i had my ipod plugged into my ears, it was insufficient to block out the noise. At that very moment, I made a quiet decision to not bring kids on plane rides until they are old enough to be taught how to deal with the discomfort in the ears.

Even though i have been to HCMC before, it was a enriching experience this time round with new knowledge. New places discovered and more of the local food tasted. We had some spicy pork, beef noodle that you add your own vegetables to the soup. My mummy and Mr H will be very proud of me now.. Every mouthful had LOADS of vegetables. There was no point in picking the vegtables out as it would had taken far too long. I tried taking a picture of it, but it just turned out bad. We also had some form of Vietnamese rice cake which is somewhat similar to our chwee kueh. The difference is that we eat ours with chai poh and they eat theirs with chilli sauce, chilli oil, fried onions, shrimps and fried pig skin. So sinful but here it is:

For dessert, we travelled to a place where I was told that I had to have jackfruit juice.. YUP! Jackfruit juice... pure jackfruit juice with a scoop of ice cream.

See below for illustration: (That sunken bit is where the ice cream is.

The next day we met Neil and Xuan for dinner. Dinner came in two parts. First, we had soup in one location... It wasn't just simply soup, the soup was full of good stuff.. It's called Me Quang or Mi Quang.. Oops, can't remember the spelling though.. hee..

Before the soup came, we were munching on the stuff that they put on every table. The pink little square is actually preserved pork (quite yummy) and the one is the leaf tasted a bit like sausages (Yummy! I had 2 of it!)

Then came the 2nd part of dinner where we travelled to another location where we had seafood..

First we had the shellfish cooked in coconut milk which is quite unique since the ones in singapore are normally cooked in sambal. Then we had steamed clams and prawns cooked in tamarind sauce which was sweet and again unique... Lastly we had porridge. Mr H, Neil and Xuan had oyster porridge while i had the clam porridge.. YUMMY!!!!

We celebrated Mr H's birthday on the 14th with ice cream and a cake that was covered in thick thick cream... We were so sick of the cream that we didn't eat the small cakes that we had originally bought in the morning.. Hahah.. But it was a nice experience.. I guess it was a unique experience for Mr H too... Birthday overseas..

Anyway this HCMC trip was unique because we explored the inner corners and were brought to eat the local food by the staff...

It's over!

The audit is finally over...

Strangely, after keeping all the files, i still felt the same. I was asked why i still looked unhappy even though the results were alright.. I think it was mainly because there were a few that were stupid mistakes which could be avoided. It could have been due to the target that i had set for myself..

The audit also exposed many areas which i thought were functioning well but now i know requires much more attention.

Someone asked if maybe i could have started the guys in preparation earlier as i was only ramping up preparations in the last 2 weeks. I fell silent at the implied meaning.. I don't really expect everyone to understand the difficulties that i face, so i chose to keep silent. I probably would have ended up as an emotional wreck if i had opened my mouth to talk about the daily difficulties.. All that i spoke about would probably have come out as excuses..

During the audit, there were so many occasions that i felt like all the hard work came to zilch when mistakes continued to be discovered even though we went through the documents before..
It's almost like if we didn't work that hard, then we probably wouldn't have felt so disappointed.

Now that it is all over, there still much more work to do since the audit has exposed flaws and cracks.

A new thing everyday.

Today was just really tiring, especially after working late yesterday and leaving the office later than everyone else today again, knowing that my work is not completed and that time is running out for me.. But i guess the silver lining is that someone had legs itching for tango and so i went along with her..

Stepping into the door is like being transported into a secret society for "tango diehards", somewhere which does not resemble singapore. A place to chill and watch fancy but oh so beautiful footwork..

Had the chance to dance with various partners today and it was quite an experience. Dancing with the 'masters' created quite a bit of stress for me, resulting in embarassingly sweaty palms. Gross, i know.

*Damn the sweat glands.* :p..

However, today's experience was both nerve wrecking and enriching at the same time.

Nerve wrecking because i have only had 1 lesson and here i was, dancing with people who have done it for god knows how many years. I had to say a "disclaimer" that i have had only 1 lesson with every new partner that i danced with.. Haha! The 'masters' were really gracious to dance with a noob like me..

It was also enriching because I picked up information about the origins of Tango and not just the footwork.

"Learn a new thing everyday." Someone once said this to me but i can't remember who this someone is.. Oops! Anyway i learnt the etiquette involved in tango, how a polite "Thank you" said at the wrong timing can mean something else other than expressing your gratitude.. Learnt the significance of why people don't seem to dance immediately when the music starts...

I guess all these nitty gritty details just adds to the entire appreciation of the dance... What i really like about this "secret society" is that no matter how experienced the others are, they are generous with sharing their knowledge and extremely patient with noobs like me... No snobbish airs at all.

Will it become an obsession? Hmmmm... I cannot say yet.

All I can say its great fun and so looking forward to learning more, not stepping on others' toes and avoid getting stepped on.. :P

I am one of them

I am reading another glossy fashion magazine while waiting for time to pass so that i can go home.

Yet, i am unable to concentrate. Thoughts keep surfacing. I am only scanning through the pictures but not absorbing the information in the articles.

In a recent MSN conversation, someone asked me what i would say or think if i saw a gal walking down Orchard Road in boots. I said, "Gd for her, at least she makes the effort." In my head, i was also thinking, "At least she has the confidence to do it without worrying about what others think." As i am reading the fashion magazine, i chanced upon someone who mentions that her fashion pet peeve is people wearing knee high boots in singapore since its not suitable for the climate. But i guess lighter materials used in making boots for sale in singapore would probably reduce the discomfort level.

Are we influenced by such comments? People that are perceived to be more stylish since they are featured in such magazines? Is that why people look at others who are confident enough to be different with amused stares?

Someone who i saw while walking around before watching Coppelia asked me this the next time she saw me at work.

Person X: "You were attending a wedding that day, is it?
Me : "Nope, just going to watch dance."
Person X: "Wa, go watch dance wear until like that ah?"

Just to clarify, i wasn't even dressed like a Harajuku gal. It's probably just that the particular person mentioned here only sees me in the same outfit that everyone else wears. Such a harmless comment, but yet it deeply affects me. No matter how people perceive or stereotype me upon hearing my occupation, there is something in me that just wants to look better on weekends. Especially when its the only time that i am able to dress up.

I admit it. I am one of those that are always worried about people's views about me. When i look at my bestie, i only wished to have just 10% of her confidence and probably also 10% of her fashion style. Her confidence to wear galoshes and not worry about people staring at her.

I guess that's why i will always remain the "safe" one. The one always in "safe" black, happy to blend into the background.

Why do profiles of people in FB have such an ability to stir up questions of "What if?" in my mind? Or is it just my own insecurities revealing themselves?

Losing sight

It's so easy to lose sight...

To lose sight of who you are and who you want to be. Especially when you are busy looking and admiring others.

You just end up getting caught up in observing and hoping to emulate others and you finally lose track of your likes and the unique characteristics that are solely you.

It's so easy to cross the thin line between simply observing to pick up good points of others and being so caught up that you lose sight.

She pointed out something so obvious the other day at East Coast Starbucks. We are so busy living for other people that our topics revolve more around others than ourselves...When she said that, i actually thought of a book about life lessons for women. It also mentioned something about the numerous roles that a woman has to play and how she can end up neglecting herself.

It's so hard to maintain a balance. Between the many many roles required of us.

So demoralizing

It is quite difficult to work when your superiors are not exactly the most supporting ones.

One has an allergy to working during normal working hours and loves to 'recall' people at odd hours such as weekends or after office hours. It's almost like he has no life besides his job and intends to make sure that people have to suffer with him.

Informing people on friday night that he wants to conduct checks on sat morning. No courtesy to even inform the person involved personally. Giving lame excuses that he needs to rush because he needs to submit the report on monday. Setting the time at 10am, delaying till 1130 and only reaching at 1pm and walking in like he was king. Not bothering to apologize. Finding fault with ridiculous things such as the alignment of the papers being filed. Talking abt his "glorious history".

So sickening and so irritating. Still had the cheek to self-righteously say he had not had lunch. "You are not the only one!" You made so many people wait and they too had not had their lunch. So don't act like you are the only one that is working so hard that you had no time to have your lunch.

The other one is just demoralizing. 7 out of 10 times that he calles me, he will start out with this:" I am so / very disappointed with you/ your men." Every single time he says that, i feel like throwing something at him and telling him to SHUT UP!

If you have nothing better to say, then don't say anything. When you are busy with everything else, the last thing you need is someone to tell you that he is disappointed with you just because you forget to do trivial trivial matters. Easy for you to say when you are not involved in commercial stocktake at all. You don't have to deal with audits. You have your own job scope and your own difficulties. Just stop adding to others by focusing so much on trivial matters such as offs and interviews.

What do i do?

Faced with another decision.

After he spoke to me about the good reviews that i was supposedly getting from senior staff, he tried to ask me to reconsider my decision to leave.

2 people have told me the same thing, " The grass is greener on the other side."

What do i do now?

I don't know if the grass is truly greener on the other side if i don't go out and try, right?

So many 'What Ifs' are in my mind right now. Questions about the future too.

I know i will be relieved when i finally leave this place. But will i be able to find a job outside? What relevant experience do i have?

What do i do? Should i just stay till everything stabilizes?

Dilemmas...

Finally.. on MC, a chance to rest.

So why is it that I am sitting in the living room still thinking if i should go back to work tomorrow?

Is it as what some one mentioned? We care too much about what people think and end up worried of being judged. It is so easy to say, "Don't bother about it." but yet it is so difficult to do so.

That's probably why i would never try to get MC for the fear that people would say I am faking it. But this week has been such a trying week. It seems like it took forever to reach friday. Coughing my lungs out at night and in the morning to clear the phlegm is taking up a bit of energy, especially when i can't sleep at night.

I would love to go back to the days when i was no one, the days when i took instructions, the days when i could look to someone for advice or answers. The days that i was carefree and didn't have responsibilities weighing me down. So childish i know..

Now, everyone in the centre turns to me when they have problems. What about me? Who do i turn to? Who can i turn to?

I committed a PR boo boo today.. Feeling guilty.

Do we matter to the organisation? Why is it that someone can actually say we must treat the unwilling ones properly as they are important people, "father, mother's sons"? What about us? Aren't we someone else's children too?

Just can't wait to get out..

Everything is getting on my nerves.

Is it because my threshold is reducing or is it because the amount of rubbish is simply increasing?

The blame game seems to be in full action now. Told to self audit our own centres and look for mistakes but we have to check 3 years worth of documents, meaning i have to check documents dating from July 05.

Checking and identifying the mistakes is fine. But yet no one knows what are the consequences of identifying and declaring all these mistakes. All i know is that although these mistakes were made by the previous appointment holders, current ones have to explain even though they have no idea what happened. Current appointment holders still have to review, create and ensure systems are in place to ensure that these mistakes do not happen again.

Is honesty truly the best policy in these situations? Will everyone just end up shooting their own foot?

As if dealing with preparations with 2 audits is not enough work, someone had to add in something else for everyone to do..

I am probably being petty here. But when the check occured, i wasn't even in this location and had not even taken over. But now that the report is out with all the mistakes, somehow my name is there.

Similarly for something that someone did not pass, I had to write the report even though I wasn't there when it happened. I wonder if the same would happen if this was a report that was something good? Would my name still appear on the report if it was something good that happened when i wasn't around?

In the end, even after all the frustration and whining, I still have to suck it up and do the report.

I sat there today, stoning. Really wanting to just give up and say i no longer want to do all these rubbish.

Now there are 4 audits/checks that are going on concurrently. Judge me and say i can't multi-task. But i am merely human.

I am not superwoman, neither do i want to be one.

Thank you...

Thank you for being such a sweetheart..

Thank you for always motivating me in your little little ways.

Thank you for giving the pink "Prima Donna" chair, the pink notebook with the inspiring words and the pink slip of paper given to all of us to list the things we want to do before the big 3 O..

Thank you for going to the Phantom of Opera with me even though I was like a suaku pig attending her first musical.

Thank you for agreeing almost immediately to go attend Dans Festival with me too, knowing that it would inspire me.

Thank you for simply being you and always being there.

How do i...

How do i deal with someone who is extremely concerned with the trivial aspects of daily operations?

Ignore him?

It's a little getting on my nerves..almost like a broken record which i can't put an end to..

It's issue A on monday, peace on tuesday and wednesday, issue B on thursday, peace on friday..You would think that issues would be solved with detailed explainations..

NOPE, not happening... The cycle will repeat itself again, over and over again. The same explainations are repeated over and over again. He will agree and say will leave it to me to handle. But yet, why does the cycle keep repeating?

Is it because i haven't done enough? If so, what is enough? Or is it because he cannot remember that the issues have been resolved?

Random thoughts

I have been wanting to post about a few things these 2 days.

A) Dialogues no longer create any interest in me: No matter who takes over as the "head" of top management, nothing changes. They can be talking about strategic and major changes to the structure, but again nothing changes.

"Tell me your problems." He said and people obliged. At the beginning, it seemed like he was sincere to understand the problems. BUT, with every answer that he gave, the gist of it remained the same.

To every concern raised, he said," I know you are good leaders, I encourage you to continue with your good job and be a good leader. Good leaders do not present problems, they explore creative means to find solutions." Somehow, it all sounds similar. Similar to previous leaders.

Simply put: Do not give me your problems, solve them yourself.

Which leads to these questions. Why waste our time? Was it a show that was performed to show us they care?

B) I am stoning while typing this entry. Somehow the words just seem to flow naturally. I look back at today.
-Have been awake since 3 am..
-Fell asleep in colleague's car on the way back.
-Floated around the rest of the day and was not really focusing.
-Couldn't get down to doing anything, just wanted to rest.
-Had my patience stretched by hoardes of people that came to get poked.
-Fell asleep in the car while waiting for the traffic light to turn green. (Alarm bells are probably ringing in your head. But i woke up very quickly and stayed awake while driving safely to school) -Feel like i am falling apart. Mentally and physically. Headache, back ache, inability to focus and concentrate. I shall not repeat what i really want for fear of being scolded crazy. But medical leave sounds lovely, hopefully people won't bug me then and just give me a break. ha.

C) Many thoughts filled my mind while sitting at ECP at 6am today.
- Seems like people don't have to work. Many people were there roller-blading, jogging and walking their dogs.
- There was a weird guy practising his Muay Thai moves in the middle of 2 trees. Possible show off?
-What do these people do as an occupation that they are able to do such leisurely activities on a weekday morning till 9 plus 10am?
-It seems desirable to be able to do such leisurely activities on a working day. However, would i actually do the same when i have the freedom to do so?

D) Why do people not give way to ambulances?
- I have seen it happen on two occasions on the same stretch of road. The ambulance is speeding along with lights and sirens. BUT nonchalant cars continue to carry on their journey in front of the ambulance and not give way to it. I saw it happen TWICE! What's wrong with these people?
- Do people only care when their own loved ones are the ones involved? Will they still not give way to the ambulance if someone they knew was being rushed to the hospital?
- Seriously, what's wrong with these people...

E) When will i finally be able to rest.. Sept? Will i have to wait till next year?

Life is strange...

Life...

Full of ups and downs,

Full of crossroads.

I entered the organisation, confident that I would end up staying with them all the way. Now i am looking forward to next year when i finally say goodbye to it and close this chapter.

Afraid... Subconsciously, i think that is the main reason why i am reluctant to meet up with them. Afraid that i am inferior as compared to them. All of them seem to come from XX university, working in YY company.. Somehow it feels like i ended up the worst in the class...
So don't really want to go for the fear of being the worst in the group..

Maybe i should have continue studying in a proper Uni after graduating from poly. Then i won't have to deal with the current rubbish from APMI Kaplan..

Anyway, it's bad.. their staff turnover rate seems very high too. We have had a change of 6-7 program managers in the past 1 and half years... So anyway i won't have to say much about their incompetence and admin lapses. Any of my classmates will share their stories with you too...

Changes....

Knock on my head the day i change into someone you no longer recognise.

I told you this yesterday and i remember telling others the same thing when i moved up ranks. I have seen people change with the increase in power or authority that they are given. I hope i still am who i am when you first knew me. Please don't let me change for the worst, pull me back to where i belong when you see me floating away or wondering lost.

Change is like a double edged sword.. It results in both benefits and detriments. Maybe, like all things, it requires moderation.

I don't intend to change the world. I just want to contribute my tiny weeny part to make it that much better. If nothing changes after all the effort, then i will just comfort myself that at least i tried. If something seems out of place and there is a better way to do it, i will try it. If the new method fails, then at least i know i tried.

I have seen few that have left the system with people commenting about their wrong-doings all the time. I hope not to be one of them. I am not looking to be "best in this or best in that". I just want to be remembered for putting in her best effort. That's good enough for me, i guess...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am still mulling about the pink sheet of paper that you gave us yesterday. It scares me a little that i am about 5 years away from the big 30 and yet, i didn't have something that popped in my head the minute you told us to create the checklist.

What if i create the list but don't know how to take the little steps to get there? Will i end up more frustrated?

How long will i take to find myself? Will it be too late when it happens?

Do you know who you are and where you want to be in the future?

Finally.. A little happiness

Today was a mixture of feelings.

I started the day at work frustrated. A certain event was extended and it resulted in me having to rearrange major parts of the forecast. I see manpower constraints now and in the future.

Lunch-time was slightly nerve-wrecking especially when i had already made an appointment with my 2nd in command to tell him about the bad news that had been causing me sleepless nights and probably numerous wrinkles the past 2 weeks. I was wished good luck which i graciously accepted as it seemed like the only thing that could probably help me seeing as how 'divine intervention' may have failed.

Telling him wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. In fact, it was rather heart-warming as his first concern was how it would affect me. After telling him, i had to inform another person to keep a lookout for me for the specific serial number. If i had known earlier, i would have spoken to her first. She gave me such vital information that led me directly to where this "lost" item was! It wasn't even loaned out in the first place!

I was like a mad idiot jumping around in my workplace. Think they must have thought i had lost my mind. After i had passed along the good news, it did strike us that the people that we trusted more were also the people that lied.

So it does reveal true colours about people.. In a good and bad way. You see the people that will stand by you even though they are not really involved in it. Maybe if i try to give the benefit of doubt, it could be that she was so adamant that it was there was because she had taken the wrong set. But then again, this theory doesn't work out, since it was passed directly into her hands... Hmmmmm....

But all in all... I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. I had been worrying the past 2 weeks, trying to go through the various scenarios of how it could have gone missing and flooding other people's inbox with sms even through the weekends.

I can now finally say the event that ended on the 1st has finally come to an end. Everything is going smoothly now. All that remains is the return of the various stores to their various owners..

Happy and relieved. Very.

Increasing and increasing

Fuel price is going up... Prices of things are going up...

Expecting aid of some form...

BUT! Instead you are met with Everyday Rising Prices.

Yesterday i paid $1.50 because i missed the $1 time frame by 1 minute. Just as i was going under the gantry, the charges changed and increased.

Today i paid $2.00 because i went past the gantry about 6pm..

I think it's quite ridiculous. Instead of having some sort of relief from the crazily-increasing costs of things, we are faced with one more increase which i think lies in the timing of a certain decision which can be controlled.

Sigh... Is "apathetic" a word that truly reflects Singaporeans or is it that it has been instilled in us to just "suck it up?"

Falling....

Unhappiness is like a bottomless pit.. Once you fall in, it always seems like you just keep falling deeper and deeper with no way of getting out.. Maybe that's why people sometimes end up going into depression.. Outsiders will probably look at them and think they just take things too seriously. But i think general unhappiness is a sum of fatigue, feeling unappreciated and feeling overwhelmed by things thrown onto their shoulders with no rest in sight.

It is strange how the simplest things can cheer a person up.

-Online shopping : Seeing the pretty things online. Not necessarily buying them but just seeing is good enough.

- Thinking of having a cup of Starbucks Choc Cream Chip Frapp is also bringing a smile to me.

- Seeing the funny and nice pictures that friends are putting on Facebook.

- Seeing sunrise while driving to work although in danger of falling asleep at the wheel.

- Buying Eason Chan concert tickets.

- Arranging to meet my friends and thinking of a pampering session

- Dreaming of going for a holiday again even though it seems like a long time before it happens.. Bangkok is good enough. Anywhere else can probably be counted as a bonus.