So demoralizing

It is quite difficult to work when your superiors are not exactly the most supporting ones.

One has an allergy to working during normal working hours and loves to 'recall' people at odd hours such as weekends or after office hours. It's almost like he has no life besides his job and intends to make sure that people have to suffer with him.

Informing people on friday night that he wants to conduct checks on sat morning. No courtesy to even inform the person involved personally. Giving lame excuses that he needs to rush because he needs to submit the report on monday. Setting the time at 10am, delaying till 1130 and only reaching at 1pm and walking in like he was king. Not bothering to apologize. Finding fault with ridiculous things such as the alignment of the papers being filed. Talking abt his "glorious history".

So sickening and so irritating. Still had the cheek to self-righteously say he had not had lunch. "You are not the only one!" You made so many people wait and they too had not had their lunch. So don't act like you are the only one that is working so hard that you had no time to have your lunch.

The other one is just demoralizing. 7 out of 10 times that he calles me, he will start out with this:" I am so / very disappointed with you/ your men." Every single time he says that, i feel like throwing something at him and telling him to SHUT UP!

If you have nothing better to say, then don't say anything. When you are busy with everything else, the last thing you need is someone to tell you that he is disappointed with you just because you forget to do trivial trivial matters. Easy for you to say when you are not involved in commercial stocktake at all. You don't have to deal with audits. You have your own job scope and your own difficulties. Just stop adding to others by focusing so much on trivial matters such as offs and interviews.

What do i do?

Faced with another decision.

After he spoke to me about the good reviews that i was supposedly getting from senior staff, he tried to ask me to reconsider my decision to leave.

2 people have told me the same thing, " The grass is greener on the other side."

What do i do now?

I don't know if the grass is truly greener on the other side if i don't go out and try, right?

So many 'What Ifs' are in my mind right now. Questions about the future too.

I know i will be relieved when i finally leave this place. But will i be able to find a job outside? What relevant experience do i have?

What do i do? Should i just stay till everything stabilizes?

Dilemmas...

Finally.. on MC, a chance to rest.

So why is it that I am sitting in the living room still thinking if i should go back to work tomorrow?

Is it as what some one mentioned? We care too much about what people think and end up worried of being judged. It is so easy to say, "Don't bother about it." but yet it is so difficult to do so.

That's probably why i would never try to get MC for the fear that people would say I am faking it. But this week has been such a trying week. It seems like it took forever to reach friday. Coughing my lungs out at night and in the morning to clear the phlegm is taking up a bit of energy, especially when i can't sleep at night.

I would love to go back to the days when i was no one, the days when i took instructions, the days when i could look to someone for advice or answers. The days that i was carefree and didn't have responsibilities weighing me down. So childish i know..

Now, everyone in the centre turns to me when they have problems. What about me? Who do i turn to? Who can i turn to?

I committed a PR boo boo today.. Feeling guilty.

Do we matter to the organisation? Why is it that someone can actually say we must treat the unwilling ones properly as they are important people, "father, mother's sons"? What about us? Aren't we someone else's children too?

Just can't wait to get out..

Everything is getting on my nerves.

Is it because my threshold is reducing or is it because the amount of rubbish is simply increasing?

The blame game seems to be in full action now. Told to self audit our own centres and look for mistakes but we have to check 3 years worth of documents, meaning i have to check documents dating from July 05.

Checking and identifying the mistakes is fine. But yet no one knows what are the consequences of identifying and declaring all these mistakes. All i know is that although these mistakes were made by the previous appointment holders, current ones have to explain even though they have no idea what happened. Current appointment holders still have to review, create and ensure systems are in place to ensure that these mistakes do not happen again.

Is honesty truly the best policy in these situations? Will everyone just end up shooting their own foot?

As if dealing with preparations with 2 audits is not enough work, someone had to add in something else for everyone to do..

I am probably being petty here. But when the check occured, i wasn't even in this location and had not even taken over. But now that the report is out with all the mistakes, somehow my name is there.

Similarly for something that someone did not pass, I had to write the report even though I wasn't there when it happened. I wonder if the same would happen if this was a report that was something good? Would my name still appear on the report if it was something good that happened when i wasn't around?

In the end, even after all the frustration and whining, I still have to suck it up and do the report.

I sat there today, stoning. Really wanting to just give up and say i no longer want to do all these rubbish.

Now there are 4 audits/checks that are going on concurrently. Judge me and say i can't multi-task. But i am merely human.

I am not superwoman, neither do i want to be one.

Thank you...

Thank you for being such a sweetheart..

Thank you for always motivating me in your little little ways.

Thank you for giving the pink "Prima Donna" chair, the pink notebook with the inspiring words and the pink slip of paper given to all of us to list the things we want to do before the big 3 O..

Thank you for going to the Phantom of Opera with me even though I was like a suaku pig attending her first musical.

Thank you for agreeing almost immediately to go attend Dans Festival with me too, knowing that it would inspire me.

Thank you for simply being you and always being there.

How do i...

How do i deal with someone who is extremely concerned with the trivial aspects of daily operations?

Ignore him?

It's a little getting on my nerves..almost like a broken record which i can't put an end to..

It's issue A on monday, peace on tuesday and wednesday, issue B on thursday, peace on friday..You would think that issues would be solved with detailed explainations..

NOPE, not happening... The cycle will repeat itself again, over and over again. The same explainations are repeated over and over again. He will agree and say will leave it to me to handle. But yet, why does the cycle keep repeating?

Is it because i haven't done enough? If so, what is enough? Or is it because he cannot remember that the issues have been resolved?

Random thoughts

I have been wanting to post about a few things these 2 days.

A) Dialogues no longer create any interest in me: No matter who takes over as the "head" of top management, nothing changes. They can be talking about strategic and major changes to the structure, but again nothing changes.

"Tell me your problems." He said and people obliged. At the beginning, it seemed like he was sincere to understand the problems. BUT, with every answer that he gave, the gist of it remained the same.

To every concern raised, he said," I know you are good leaders, I encourage you to continue with your good job and be a good leader. Good leaders do not present problems, they explore creative means to find solutions." Somehow, it all sounds similar. Similar to previous leaders.

Simply put: Do not give me your problems, solve them yourself.

Which leads to these questions. Why waste our time? Was it a show that was performed to show us they care?

B) I am stoning while typing this entry. Somehow the words just seem to flow naturally. I look back at today.
-Have been awake since 3 am..
-Fell asleep in colleague's car on the way back.
-Floated around the rest of the day and was not really focusing.
-Couldn't get down to doing anything, just wanted to rest.
-Had my patience stretched by hoardes of people that came to get poked.
-Fell asleep in the car while waiting for the traffic light to turn green. (Alarm bells are probably ringing in your head. But i woke up very quickly and stayed awake while driving safely to school) -Feel like i am falling apart. Mentally and physically. Headache, back ache, inability to focus and concentrate. I shall not repeat what i really want for fear of being scolded crazy. But medical leave sounds lovely, hopefully people won't bug me then and just give me a break. ha.

C) Many thoughts filled my mind while sitting at ECP at 6am today.
- Seems like people don't have to work. Many people were there roller-blading, jogging and walking their dogs.
- There was a weird guy practising his Muay Thai moves in the middle of 2 trees. Possible show off?
-What do these people do as an occupation that they are able to do such leisurely activities on a weekday morning till 9 plus 10am?
-It seems desirable to be able to do such leisurely activities on a working day. However, would i actually do the same when i have the freedom to do so?

D) Why do people not give way to ambulances?
- I have seen it happen on two occasions on the same stretch of road. The ambulance is speeding along with lights and sirens. BUT nonchalant cars continue to carry on their journey in front of the ambulance and not give way to it. I saw it happen TWICE! What's wrong with these people?
- Do people only care when their own loved ones are the ones involved? Will they still not give way to the ambulance if someone they knew was being rushed to the hospital?
- Seriously, what's wrong with these people...

E) When will i finally be able to rest.. Sept? Will i have to wait till next year?

Life is strange...

Life...

Full of ups and downs,

Full of crossroads.

I entered the organisation, confident that I would end up staying with them all the way. Now i am looking forward to next year when i finally say goodbye to it and close this chapter.

Afraid... Subconsciously, i think that is the main reason why i am reluctant to meet up with them. Afraid that i am inferior as compared to them. All of them seem to come from XX university, working in YY company.. Somehow it feels like i ended up the worst in the class...
So don't really want to go for the fear of being the worst in the group..

Maybe i should have continue studying in a proper Uni after graduating from poly. Then i won't have to deal with the current rubbish from APMI Kaplan..

Anyway, it's bad.. their staff turnover rate seems very high too. We have had a change of 6-7 program managers in the past 1 and half years... So anyway i won't have to say much about their incompetence and admin lapses. Any of my classmates will share their stories with you too...

Changes....

Knock on my head the day i change into someone you no longer recognise.

I told you this yesterday and i remember telling others the same thing when i moved up ranks. I have seen people change with the increase in power or authority that they are given. I hope i still am who i am when you first knew me. Please don't let me change for the worst, pull me back to where i belong when you see me floating away or wondering lost.

Change is like a double edged sword.. It results in both benefits and detriments. Maybe, like all things, it requires moderation.

I don't intend to change the world. I just want to contribute my tiny weeny part to make it that much better. If nothing changes after all the effort, then i will just comfort myself that at least i tried. If something seems out of place and there is a better way to do it, i will try it. If the new method fails, then at least i know i tried.

I have seen few that have left the system with people commenting about their wrong-doings all the time. I hope not to be one of them. I am not looking to be "best in this or best in that". I just want to be remembered for putting in her best effort. That's good enough for me, i guess...

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I am still mulling about the pink sheet of paper that you gave us yesterday. It scares me a little that i am about 5 years away from the big 30 and yet, i didn't have something that popped in my head the minute you told us to create the checklist.

What if i create the list but don't know how to take the little steps to get there? Will i end up more frustrated?

How long will i take to find myself? Will it be too late when it happens?

Do you know who you are and where you want to be in the future?

Finally.. A little happiness

Today was a mixture of feelings.

I started the day at work frustrated. A certain event was extended and it resulted in me having to rearrange major parts of the forecast. I see manpower constraints now and in the future.

Lunch-time was slightly nerve-wrecking especially when i had already made an appointment with my 2nd in command to tell him about the bad news that had been causing me sleepless nights and probably numerous wrinkles the past 2 weeks. I was wished good luck which i graciously accepted as it seemed like the only thing that could probably help me seeing as how 'divine intervention' may have failed.

Telling him wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. In fact, it was rather heart-warming as his first concern was how it would affect me. After telling him, i had to inform another person to keep a lookout for me for the specific serial number. If i had known earlier, i would have spoken to her first. She gave me such vital information that led me directly to where this "lost" item was! It wasn't even loaned out in the first place!

I was like a mad idiot jumping around in my workplace. Think they must have thought i had lost my mind. After i had passed along the good news, it did strike us that the people that we trusted more were also the people that lied.

So it does reveal true colours about people.. In a good and bad way. You see the people that will stand by you even though they are not really involved in it. Maybe if i try to give the benefit of doubt, it could be that she was so adamant that it was there was because she had taken the wrong set. But then again, this theory doesn't work out, since it was passed directly into her hands... Hmmmmm....

But all in all... I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. I had been worrying the past 2 weeks, trying to go through the various scenarios of how it could have gone missing and flooding other people's inbox with sms even through the weekends.

I can now finally say the event that ended on the 1st has finally come to an end. Everything is going smoothly now. All that remains is the return of the various stores to their various owners..

Happy and relieved. Very.

Increasing and increasing

Fuel price is going up... Prices of things are going up...

Expecting aid of some form...

BUT! Instead you are met with Everyday Rising Prices.

Yesterday i paid $1.50 because i missed the $1 time frame by 1 minute. Just as i was going under the gantry, the charges changed and increased.

Today i paid $2.00 because i went past the gantry about 6pm..

I think it's quite ridiculous. Instead of having some sort of relief from the crazily-increasing costs of things, we are faced with one more increase which i think lies in the timing of a certain decision which can be controlled.

Sigh... Is "apathetic" a word that truly reflects Singaporeans or is it that it has been instilled in us to just "suck it up?"

Falling....

Unhappiness is like a bottomless pit.. Once you fall in, it always seems like you just keep falling deeper and deeper with no way of getting out.. Maybe that's why people sometimes end up going into depression.. Outsiders will probably look at them and think they just take things too seriously. But i think general unhappiness is a sum of fatigue, feeling unappreciated and feeling overwhelmed by things thrown onto their shoulders with no rest in sight.

It is strange how the simplest things can cheer a person up.

-Online shopping : Seeing the pretty things online. Not necessarily buying them but just seeing is good enough.

- Thinking of having a cup of Starbucks Choc Cream Chip Frapp is also bringing a smile to me.

- Seeing the funny and nice pictures that friends are putting on Facebook.

- Seeing sunrise while driving to work although in danger of falling asleep at the wheel.

- Buying Eason Chan concert tickets.

- Arranging to meet my friends and thinking of a pampering session

- Dreaming of going for a holiday again even though it seems like a long time before it happens.. Bangkok is good enough. Anywhere else can probably be counted as a bonus.

Almost

Almost lost my cool yesterday and today... Think it is the combination of fatigue, lack of rest or a holiday that i can look forward to and knowing that after tues, i still have loads to do...

If i told you yesterday's situation that nearly resulted in the meltdown, you probably shake your head and laugh loudly at me.. The person that was supposed to give me information started walking in the direction that was leading me further and further away from where my car was parked. I was just tired and really very hungry. All i wanted was the information so that i could make the needed phone call and go meet Mr H for dinner. That's all.. And i really just felt very frustrated and tired from trying to rush people into submitting photos at the last minute or risk them not being able to enter and clear security on tuesday.

Today was a little more trying. Continued calling and chasing people to pass me photos. I think that last minute photos that i submitted resulted in causing another person to stay late at work. I still had to deal someone that is obsessed with the welfare awarded to other people and keeps harping on it..Non-stop harping! What's the matter with him? I really don't understand..

At times when i am in my office or standing at the 5th floor, i just 'shut down' and suddenly feel tired and feel like just finding a corner to sit down and stone or sleep.. But when work calls, we just have to suck it up and go through with it...

2 more days to the end of it and the beginning of audit preparations. Argh!!!
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I think after this long shitty day, the thing that really tickled me was that i won the bet with Mr H that Daiso in IMM is not on the 2nd floor.. So he will have to get me the DS lite.. haha! Lucky i won the bet. If i had lost the bet, i would have to buy him the Canon 45oD which is 1.4k! haha... We do have high stakes ah...

I am quite addicted to 'Trauma Centre' even though someone said i was amateur.. Hmph!

Anyway just happy to find out that there is a sistic outlet at IMM so that i can go buy my Eason Chan concert tickets! YEAH!!!! Can't wait for 26th July!

I want...

So frivolous... Online window shopping is bad.. hee..

I want:

- The white dress from Warehouse with flowers: so pretty but nowhere to wear it.. How to make the $190 worthwhile? haha... I saw someone wearing it immediately after i saw it in the shop..

- to find the black Burberry jacket that was featured on the Taiwanese show.. Just to look at it and see if it is really that nice.

- to find that elusive biker jacket.. Found something close in the Hogan jacket but it's like 3k!! Ah.. I have been looking for it since secondary school, with the button across the neck, the metal zipper and the side pockets... haha.. If you find something like that, let me know k! oh.. and i only want it in black..

- a holiday.. hee.. I am greedy. I want to be travelling all the time...

Ottie.. I may consider that thing that you told me to try.. but i don't really know if they will accept me if a little one comes along... So we shall have to see how next year ah...

My 101th post! haha...

It's my 101th post! Haha... But i can't really bring myself to create a happy post. Maybe it is because the blog or the posts are a reflection of my feelings everytime i write an entry.

Many things and issues plagued me and my superior yesterday. It reached the point where we were so tired that we were about to throw our hands in the air and scream, "WE GIVE UP!" "We are not going to do it!" Especially when the people that are reluctant to offer their help keep creating problems and criticising the things that we do.

It's extremely ironic that they often say that our department is "EXTREMELY" important but the support that we receive is also the remainder. Everyone else gets the first cut and choice and we get the leftovers. But when something happens, we get the first blame!!! What the hell? Where's the justice in this? We get the worst materials but have to do the best job?!!! So to all those idiots all there, if you always say that we are very important, PROVE it don't just use that mouth to SAY it.

It's true of organizations similar to mine. Too complicated and those that are capable will keep having shit thrown at them.

Is work really just work?

Work is just work.. I heard my gal friends mention it twice today... I am trying to convince myself that that's how i should look at it too. But i know it is quite difficult for us.. There is an inner workaholic in all of us.. Haha.. Work has had quite an impact on my life this recent month.. I think it has affected my sleeping patterns, my mood and probably my level of patience and tolerance.

I 'shut down' at about 10 in the night and knock out in bed most of the time in 5-10 mins. However, my vampire tendencies will reveal themselves throughout the night...
In the past 1-2 weeks, i sit up in the middle of the night and although i am still asleep, i am aware that i am sitting up. Sometimes i stay and sleep sitting until i force myself to lie down and sleep.. This occurs even over the weekends! So irritating, i wake up tired and frustrated with myself...So i have developed a weird sleeping pattern and HS and Ottie say i am probably too stressed. Mr H even says i have the potential to sleep walk...

All i want is a goodnight's sleep..

Went to watch Sex and the City today... Hope we will end up like them, simply being there for each other, celebrating important moments, going through hard times together and simply looking back at all these wonderful memories when we celebrate our 50th birthday together...

Sick and miserable

It's back again.. Almost every weekend i will have a dripping nose and end up feling miserable. But the most irritating part of it all is that the dripping nose+raw throat+heavy head/headache will reach its peak during the weekends, especially saturday nights and magically disappear when i decide to see a doctor or when i reach monday and have to get back to work...

So sickening.. It's like a leech, stuck to me and always acting up.. Probably get it thrice a month or in all 4 weekends during the really really bad months.

Driving and sweet letters

There is no link between the two, just 2 things that are happening currently..

Finally driving more regularly after getting my license like 5 years ago. Still paranoid about losing my way even though i have GPS to help me. I must admit i actually feel more confident about the route when not using GPS. I get more frustrated when using it as i am always end up being misled by the instructions.

Road conditions and drivers are a litle shocking to me. I see huge trucks and lorries on the extreme right lane and speeding. The sticker on the back of their vehicle puts 60 but sometimes when i am travelling at the speed of 80-85km/h, i see these errant drivers or vehicles overtaking... I think the TP should concentrate more on catching these errant drivers that are travelling way beyond the road's or even their own vehicles' speed limit..

The stretch of road in front of Taka is like a huge road traffic accident waiting to happen. Lots of jaywalkers risking their lives to cross the road filled with fast moving vehicles rather than walk the extra steps to the nearest traffic light to cross safely. It's quite insane. If a vehicle were to knock into them, it's the fault of the driver. But! These pedestrians should also be held responsible for it too.. I think there shoule be barriers erected all along this busy road now as a precaution rather than as a knee jerk reaction (as with all things) in the future after something serious occurs..
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Letters have a strange way of warming hearts. Staying up late while i am fast asleep. Fast asleep when i am awake and going off to work. Leaving letters in my bag and uniform pockets. Telling white lies about accidentally dropping the notes in my bag so as to make me check my bag for the letters.. Simply written on paper taken from Holiday Inn but extremely heartwarming... Happy... :P

Over too soon

It is over before i realized it had begun. It felt like I was on the plane there one day and the return the flight the very next day. I didn't really have the opportunity to relish the idea of a holiday.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I did not enjoy the trip. On the contrary, I think time passed so quickly when we were having fun that we didn’t even realise it was over until we were on the flight back to Singapore.

It was fun chatting on the flight to and fro, shopping, going back to Platinum many times, walking quickly so as not to 'waste our youth' and just enjoying the beefy, fatty, buttery, sugary and garlicky goodness and even having the CMI hair wash.. Haha!

Although you did not foresee it happening, i am glad you had the opportunity to have the little conversation with her when we were in the toilet so as to let her know our feelings.

I hope next year comes soon so that we can start planning for our next trip. Hopefully, i would have picked up a little bit of Thai by then. Shall we look at the periods of May-July? I should be clearing leave then.. hee...

Cats and mice

Cats and mice, one of nature's arrangements that is so often mirrored in our everyday lives where some of us assume the roles of cats and have to keep the mice under control..

"When the cat is away, the mice comes out to play" Something that is said and heard by many. So why is it so hard to accept it as part of life?

A simple "Yeah" upon hearing the absence of the cat in the next few days.. Such a casual remark, intention undetermined but delivers a huge blow.

Although it should be accepted as part of life and people are always advising not to be bothered by it, but it is undeniable.

Celebration of a person's absence demoralizes them and leads to self reflection and self-doubt...