Immature?

Can i consider myself as maturing? Or am i maturing in looks and age but not in wisdom?

I look at my own feelings and blush at the immaturity of it.. I am unhappy as people are changing the outlook of things that i was once proud of.. But what right do i have to even be affected. That is their job.. I cringe at the level of immaturity present...

What makes a person mature? Is it through failures and exposure?

Maybe i am just a green frog in a green well.

Free! I hope....

Haha... I have handed over!... although it is unofficial as we haven't signed the document, but i have handed all signing responsibilities and all power and matters to him. Yippeee!!!! My shoulders feel free now... feel a bit lighter..

I must admit i was tempted to give them a taste of what i suffered and hand over on the last minute then disappear and let them sort it out on their own. But in the end, my kind little heart wouldn't allow me to do so.. (yes yes, you may puke upon reading this). Seriously, i think it is unfair to them too, like how it was unfair to me.. but what could i do then? Endure ah.. So i do think that in some ways, they are luckier than me. They are recognised as filling up the position that is created for them while i was just a substitute and they have time to learn or associate themselves before having to make decisions and be responsible for the acts and welfare of people under you.

Proper handing over also ensures that they will not be able to complain that i left rubbish for them to clear. heh heh.. If they still do complain, then so be it.. Can't really please everyone, can I?

Now, when i look at the place from an 'outsider's' point of view, i reflect and wonder if i did a decent enough job. I am not looking for perfection, just wondering if it was good enough or better than before. On days that i feel confident, i think it was good enough. On days filled with self-doubt in addition to seeing the long list that they have come up with to improve things around the place, i don't feel that certain after all.

For now.. I am contented to hide in my little corner and answer queries when necessary. I am going back to basics.. feels good...

Time no enough

24 hours is insufficient, really insufficient.

I am frustrated by the severe lack of time. Lack of time to do proper research for proj. Frustrated that every free time i have is spent on trying to rush the numerous projects dumped on us. Very frustrated that we are not provided with clear directions for the projects and that we have to waste lots of time just to figure the bloody proj out.

Lack of time: applies to work too. Frustration is further impounded by the fact that the personnel taking over me are already sitting in my office and shifting things around before i even move out of it. Is it just over sensitivity on my part? why do i feel so offended by that gesture? Busy preparing the documents for handing over so that i can free myself from the burdens that have been on my shoulders since april.

Lack of time to pamper me. The big day is less than 3 months away. No facial or pampering session in sight. Neither can i plan or arrange for them as i am either busy with work or the bloody projects. The only time that i wil be free is 2 weeks away from the actual day. When i read the forums, people take their preparations really seriously, starting everything 1 year in advance.

Sucks big time, trying to juggle work, studies, wedding and renovating 1 room. Imagine if it was an entire house!

Smile!...

It's been a long long time since my last post.. Been really busy... projects, the uncertainty of work location, photo taking for the wedding...



The photo taking has finally concluded... I must say it has been fun, really fun! Honestly, I wasn't very keen when he told me about the underwater idea. It was really hard work... i think 70-80% of the pictures taken didn't turn out very well so hope the remainder are good.

I think we were fortunate to be advised to split the thing into 2 parts as my eyes threatened to close on the way to the shop for the studio shoot. Lucky we did not have to worry about lasting til the outdoor shoot... The studio was really fun as i was messing around with the props. It is amazing the effects that can be achieved just by playing around with the angles.

Outdoor shoot: Weird but fun experience. Had people staring at us, some in a good way, some in a weird way...

But overall, it was a memorable experience... Very memorable.. just waiting for next tuesday to see the results...

Blind to the Good. Alert to the Bad

Blind to the good.. Seems like a common ailment of most superiors or bosses. They tend to be ignorant of the good that their subordinates have done and lack in giving credit or recognition to the people that have worked their asses off.

Alert to the bad.. Again, a common phenomenon in bosses and superiors. They keep silent when you work hard and do all the right things. But the very moment you deviate from the norm or do something that is 'not allowed', they will 'politely' highlight to you that they are not happy.

An example:

A subordinate joins in the weekly run which is held every Wednesday, without fail. The only time he/she doesn't go is when that person is on leave, on course or on off.

Today, the subordinate feels uncomfortable and has a severe headache that doesn't subside despite popping a Panadol and chooses to walk instead of run. The boss sees and immediately passes a remark that the person should be running due to the title of his/her job. When the subordinate replies that no matter what the title is, the person is having a headache and the boss says,"Alamak, how can like that..."

I put myself into the person's shoes and feel the pain and anger. Pain from the headache and anger from being subtly told off... So is the person not supposed to be sick and be strong like a robot at all times? Or is it people simply don't care that he/she falls sick? Sucks eh?

Am i like the common boss out there that also is blind to the good and alert to the bad?

Moving again....

Migration.... again....

Before I can fully acquaint myself with the environment, people and systems, I am informed of the coming migration again....

A replacement comes. Out I go.

It wasn't a last minute proposal, they were aware of the changes all along. They were in control of the implementation date.

So why is it they still arrange for a person to enter only to take over others and be a substitute and to cover the empty hole till the appropriate person is found? You cover the duties but they have a really difficult time giving you credit for it. I guess this is the way the system works eh..

I feel "REALLY" comforted by the LARGE amount of effort and foresight put into planning.

What else to do? Suck thumb and carry on...

Not some big shot? Nobody to speak up for you? No one to back you up? Then just quietly accept and do the job and pray that time passes very quickly...

Preparations...

Preparations are beginning to get on my nerves... It is starting to cause friction due to differences in ideas and opinions.

Why do I think that he is not really as interested or involved as I am? Is it just my perception?

I never knew choosing a suitable piece of clothing could be so tiring and frustrating..

Underwater... Cool... But now i am faced with the difficulty of having to settle my own hair, face and outfit for that shoot and the biggest problem of all.... I can't open my eyes underwater.... Is this idea already on the road to failure?

Although i asked myself and him and probably a few of you places that are good for photos, we are still clueless as to what to do and where to go. Special props that are meaningful to us?

Why do the dresses that are not accessible to me always look more desirable?

Maybe i should have started my research for everything a yr ago.. Now i am faced with numerous 'What ifs?'......

Happy times...

Ahhh... It's been a very very long time since my last post...

Life has been happier these few days... Just came back from BKK... Suffering from withdrawal syndrome from retail therapy... Bought lots of stuff... Lucky i took Jetstar this time.. so the baggage allowance is 20kg.. Check out the shoes that i bought this trip... hee.. :P
Kareen just called me a sick woman when i told her i bought 10 pairs of shoes.. haha.. but had lots of fun... just came back but feel like going back there again.. Really too many things to buy...

Looking back at the past 2 weeks, it has been a time of good, tension, happy and relief..

3rd August:
HappY!: Me Birthday.. hee.. My medics threw me a surprise party.. I am deeply grateful.. Totally wasn't expecting it.. So touched! *Sob Sob!* :P My dental supervisor gave me a very cute Piglet bolster and hand cream to pamper my digits + + a handphone holder... Had dinner with my parents the next day at Hanabi at odeon towers the next evening...Then met my friends for lunch on 5th at Marmalade pantry so we could celebrate mine, Ottie's and Phillip's B'dae too... After that we went Ktv.... Ottie gave me Crocs and the rest gave me a tunic with foreign words which i may have to go find out the meaning and my first pair of white earrings...
8th August:
Tension!!! Gan cheong!!!... Auditors came to audit the medical centre... Haiz.. although check through already but they still manage to find 8 non-conformities... Coincidence eh... 8 NCs on 080807....

10-18th August:
Mugging for exams... taking exams.. looking forward to the holiday.....

19th August:
HAPPY!!! Holiday!! This holiday was very much more meaningful as i had to go through many events before i could really take a break on this holiday... But as with all holidays, time always flies when one is having fun... Now i am back in Singapore and creating this entry.. haha...

Looking forward to my next holiday even though i have no idea when it will be and where i will be going....

1 big equation

Dealing with unreasonable people
+
Fatigue from constant lack of sleep
+
Self-inflicted pressure
+
Internal Audit
+
Stress from trying to finish projects
+
Stress from trying to start studying for exams
+
Falling way behind the schedule that I planned for myself
+
Knowing that the people working under you do not see the big picture and take their work lightly
+
A person asking me is everything ok?

= A major breakdown+ hot tears of frustration

An unavoidable one.. One that i should have hid in the adjacent dark room to prevent other people from seeing. But too late! No time to hide and wallow in tears of frustration. Work continues, problems continue to present themselves. At least I can seek comfort in the fact that only 4 people saw my teary face. It is bad enough but if i must offer myself consolation, then i will have to be comforted that not everyone saw.. haha...

1 down, 1 more to go

It's finally over. Glad that i managed to answer his questions.. Haha.. felt small... but anyway its normal. Tired.. Left work only at 8 plus. Eventful ah.. the projector had problems at the very last minute... People not turning up at the last minute... Having a nasty red bump on my head coz it got hit by the sliding door, having to clean up people's puke.. Felt like crying.. but had to be strong for the entire thing to run smoothly.. why is it always such a struggle...

Do i feel happy its over? Maybe... I guess i would have expected to speak to him, to tell him the troubles and evaluate if he was worth talking to.. But no chance,.. so it's ok. I don't really feel anything. Don't feel relieved, don't feel happy either.. Just a mixture of feelings that cannot be put into words.

I learnt that i will soon be moving again.. How does this piece of news make me feel? Somehow the feeling of being unwanted and thrown to clear other people's shit seems familiar.. Mmmm.. When was the last time i had the same feeling? I think it was only about 3 months ago!... Amazing how things go round in circles right? And what a small circle it is...

Given up.. I thought there would be a session where he would speak to each department separately but nope! didn't happen...

If you are confused, ask me directly.. Many things cannot be explained explicitly here... too sensitive...

P.S: For those that have worked with me, am i capable in your eyes?

Crossroads..

Ever wondered where you will be if you made chose different decisions at that particular point of time?



Do you look back and think about whether you made the right choice with the decision that you chose?



Is it a bad thing that you often think about the possible outcomes if you had decided otherwise then?



If i chose differently,

- I could be doing something that is totally different from what i am doing now. Probably shopping everyweek for office wear.. haha..

- I could be armed with a degree now instead of struggling for one now.

- I could have studied overseas and working overseas now.

- I could have a totally different group of friends and colleagues.

- I could be with a totally different guy now and leading a different life too.

Do i sound like i am regretting things? No... I am not k...

Just that when i am tired, frustrated and feel like giving up, I sometimes visualise myself standing at a junction and having to choose between two roads.

Someone asked me if i regretted my decision. I hesitated. He also asked if i still liked the job and what would be the factors that would make me stay. I don't really know my answer to the questions. Sometimes you are just very disappointed by the things that happen around and to you, such that it is difficult for you to gain new motivation or to re-discover the fire and level of energy and enthusiasm you started with.

Skills learnt

What skills will I bring along with me when i leave in 2 yrs time? Will these skills help in find another job easily?

Sometimes I look at the outside world and it seems better.. Isn't always the case? The grass on the other side is greener. Anyway at least when they leave a company, they probably leave with a network of people and skills required to survive the corporate world through the mistakes that they learnt during their first years at work.

What about me? The skills that i bring with me, will they allow me to survive once I leave the organisation where i gained them? Will people wonder how i have worked for 4-6 years but learnt nothing about handling office or business relationships?

Will you laugh at me if i tell you i am really into performing or into backstage work? I am actually thinking of applying for production assistant once i leave.. The difference or dip in income will probably be one of the factors that will lead me to act otherwise. hahaha.... I believe this is my ideal form of escaping from reality. Sometimes i look at performing artistes, they are able to assume roles and characters that they will not be able to fulfill in their normal life. It is an ideal form of fantasy.. haha

Uncertain.. again

My migration location and date is uncertain again. All i know is that I am no longer required at the present location. Because of something called transformation which is overwhelming all organisations and my brain (OD la: Organisational Development, something that i have to study which deals with change and talks about transformation too!!!!)

So I am an invisible force that is covering the job of someone who is supposed to be there but which the organisation is still trying its best to recruit.. haha. Best of luck ah.. Now not as easy to bluff people into the organisation anymore ah.. too many horror stories and too many victims that have walked away with horrible experiences and permanent scars. Sounds scary ah? It is.

Where do I go from here and when do i go?????? DON"T KNOW! No one seems to be interested in letting me know.. No one probably cares too.. haha... just wait lor.. Wait till the person comes then see where they decide to throw or kick me to...

Real busy these days,... All the things are coming together..
-Manpower abruptly taken away from me but with no news of replacement,scrambling with the little manpower left, but expected to do great amount of quality stuff.
-Big boss coming to visit: will it be the time for me to expose secrets of 'naughty people'?
-Auditors coming to check....
- Final exams coming plus projects that have heavy weightage!!

AHHHH!!!! All within the next few weeks too... I think I won't have the energy and time to enjoy my b'dae... Haiz... what's new?.. For the past 4 years that I have been in the organisation, it has been so... Spent my 21st birthday in training.. If you ask me, i have no fantastic memories of it.. sadly...

Only motivation? Bangkok on 19th... Yeah!! can't wait... Gals, if you have anything that you want me to buy back, let me know k????

Mmmmmm.....

After 3 runs, experienced the same feeling. The 4km was the worst, seeing the 'stars and birds' while i was running.. The other 2 were after the run, while standing there. I did proper warm up and cool down. Haha.. one of the guys that saw me bending over and fidgeting non-stop asked if i was very tired. When i told him that i was feeling a little dizzy, he freaked out slightly, told me my face was pale. It's freaking me out slightly too, so after the 3rd time it happened, i took my BP : was 105/50... Lower than it used to be, way much lower.. What could have caused the significant drop? Mmmmmm... Decided not to think much about it, but couldn't control my curiousity so decided to seek some 'professional' advice. Haha... but didn't tell much, didn't tell about the uncomfortable feelings after the runs, just asked if it was normal for a person to have BP like this...Apparently it is....Mmmmm...

Today was weird.. didn't feel right at all... so took my BP again.. still around the same region.. So i decided not to do much again. Haha.. Anyway i spent the whole day feeling like my feet were not touching the ground and my head hurt at certain times. Felt like the room was spinning at some moments.. But me, who hates to go to the doctor and will not go unless being forced decided not to bother despite the fact that one was just a door away.. haha...

Mmmmm... Maybe i should have elaborated the first time i asked for professional advice.. Maybe i should be worried... Maybe i am just being paranoid... Think i shall let my body give me further clues....

Stuck... dilemma

Sunday's appointment went as normal... Reached there on time but only left about 3 hours later. Showed her the pics, it's a pity that couldn't do the Shu Qi dress as seen in 'Gorgeous' because it was very flare and I would probably look like a christmas tree after wearing it.. A blue christmas tree..

Lucky I brought other pictures along.. Later we found another one that was quite nice but it was all in black. So our next headache surfaced, the colour of the dress... Haiz.. I can't wear a lot of colours because I will either look pale and sickly or look aunty because of the colour. Then while choosing and discussing the colours, Sandra kept being pulled away to handle other customers... So we waited........... as with the other appointments. When we finally decided on the colour, my dear HS has to open his mouth and say he thinks it might look weird. For a moment, I thought I was going to tell him, "I GIVE UP!" But somehow, i managed to swallow the frustration and carry on with the discussion. Finally, we managed to settle the design and the colour combination. I hope it looks ok. *Fingers crossed, Toes crossed*

Slightly disppointed that I won't have my 'Superwoman cape'..

In case you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about, I always had this idea of having an extra piece of fabric that is attached to the dress at the top of my shoulder, so that when I walk, it floats like a cape or something... haha... I know I am weird..

Today was just ok.. Sometimes I am torn between giving democracy and dictatorship. I am currently promoting democracy in the hope that they will feel empowered and complain less. I hope to engage them in the decisions that affect the medical centre and hopefully make them feel that they are important and each and every one of them plays a part. But, know what? Sometimes, they take it for granted. They think that just because I discuss with them, it gives the freaking right to comment on every decision that I ultimately make. If they think they can do a better job, why don't they come do it?!

When I look at dictatorship, I see pros and cons too.. Pros: They cannot complain, all they can do is be unhappy but in the end, they wil still drag their feet and get it done. I have full control. Muahahahaha!!! (Evil Laugh!) But, but, but... I will have unhappy people turning up for work everyday and my eyelids will probably twitching the entire day because there will be people cursing me. Haha...

Dictatorship VS Democracy.

Which one?????????

In the end, I just want them to come to work happy, do their job responsibly, have no complains, do their little part and feel like they a part of it all and that they are not peanuts... Is it very difficult? But sometimes I wish, they will keep their mouths shut and not judge everything that happens. Why do they get more whiny with generations? Are they too pampered and sheltered that they expect everything to be beneficial for them and them only?

Today one of them brought up a point that I totally, 120% agree with. Sometimes working, working 2 jobs, studying and not enough sleep PLUS stress can take its toll on a person. And when that happens, we hope it is serious enough to warrant us a period of time to really recharge and rest.. Haha... I shall not elaborate.. Don't want to get scolding..

Anyway goodnight to all!

Looking forward to meeting you and the Xtina concert! *Hugz*

Money no enough

Rising flat prices....

More Enbloc...

7% GST...

Are these meant to make the lives of the average person miserable? Seems like it is... If only one thing could rise too... Our pay! Giving one time is not enough... It only lasts for that month to settle all the outstanding payments.

No wonder people don't want to expand their families. Because if they have too many members in the family, everyone suffers in the end.

Is the gap between the rich and the poor in Singapore widening? The standard of living is going up, at who's expense?

Yup yup

Yup... It is you. I hope it isn't disturbing to you. It's just that sometimes I feel guilty feeling that way so I must find a way to let you know. But at the same time I know I won't be able to tell you directly.

I know.. I don't love myself enough.. haha.. I shall try k?

I am also looking forward to the Xtina concert... We shall bring lightsticks and scream ourselves hoarse. haha.. I haven't thought of what to wear though..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sucks.. My lecturer brought up a valid point today. The society is changing. Our population is growing.. Really growing.. With the entry of foreign talent more than with the increase in babies.

I mean there are more and more people of different nationalities along the roads of Singapore. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad.. I think a while back, there was an article about this issue, with the influx of foreign talent into Singapore is great for the economy but at the same time it might affect the local population.

Just look at property now.. Everything is about being exclusive. Waterfront living and all that crap... How many of the average Singaporean can afford that kind of living? Plus the indirect proportion of prices of flats and their size. And we are talking about having more babies???? Hellloooo! Wake up and see the reality. Someday a family of 5 will probably have to squeeze into a flat that could be an equivalent of one used to house a family of 3 in our parents' time. Then we will probably relive history with the presence of 'high-class squatters'... Haha... Interesting isn't it?

All those top end property is probably to attract all the foreign talent.. But all the hikes in property prices are affecting the lower and middle income group of people which is the majority of the population. Now we have all those en-bloc rubbish that puts people out of their houses and they are unable to find an equivalent for the miserable amount that they get and they end up downgrading to a smaller area. And plus those people that also add to the increase in prices of HDB with their ability to buy flats at a high price and pay cash... Haiz...

What is it coming to?

Confessions

I feel honoured, guilty and embarassed all at the same time.

Feel honoured to be considered a friend.It means a lot to me. We are the same even though we have different backgrounds. Remember we used to say we were common in that we needed a lot of friends around us? I am satisfied with a few quality ones. :)

Guilty that sometimes I wished that she could be less outstanding so I won't always have to hide in the shadows or feel little standing next to her. The best part? She doesn't do it on purpose, just naturally outstanding. Is this jealousy? Nope! Because I know she deserves it.. It is just insecurity on my part

Embarassed becuase i want her to ber an important role on the 30th but yet I have bad thoughts and insecurities that I will be over shadowed.. Embarassed that I even give these thoughts consideration.. Bad bad... So I am really sorry. But when you read this, i am not trying to hint you anything k? I am just confessing..

Anyway the friendship rules over all insecurities ya...

Zapped..

Fatigue continues to haunt me...

I fell asleep today, thankfully no one entered the room. Had no control over it, my eyelids felt like they were laden with lead. Heavy.

Work and studies continue to zap me of all my energy. I used to think I had endless energy that I could work the whole day if I wanted to. Now, I think otherwise. I can barely concentrate when I am reading my emails and that applies to my notes too. They become a blur everytime I try to focus.

The feeling of having a very long MC is back. I shall not elaborate on how I hope to get this MC because I think I may be scolded for it. Haha.. In the meanwhile, I will just have to look forward to trying to get enough sleep every night and getting through the day without making major mistakes and settling things one by one... I am tempted to just work through everything till my body tells me that it can't take it, then my rest will be well-justified. Insane but seems most feasible to me....

Gal, I am very glad you are happy. Your happiness seems to be radiate through your blog. It's good, it's good... You do deserve it.. *HUGZ*

I shall go do my essay now. Hope it doesn't suck..

I need sleep... lots of it...

I am very tired...

Health, Work, Studies and finally big day preparations. I have a very very bad feeling one of them will suffer in the end.. All are important to me so I am hoping none will have to take a back seat.

I am so tired that sometimes, I have difficulty concentrating while doing any of the four things. So I think ultimately all four things will probably only receive about10% of my concentration. This sucks.

Now is the time when I really feel 24hrs a day is not enough for me. Not enough for me to have sufficient rest, think about decisions at work properly, read through my notes or research thoroughly for the projects and lastly, not enough time to really consider what I want before I meet with the designer to discuss stuff..

I foresee that the next few months will be worse, more hectic and definitely less sleep.

Haiz.....