Everyday..

Everyday I wonder, "Why me?"

Everyday I try to motivate myself.

Everday I cross my fingers and pray very hard that nothing will crop up in that day.

Everyday I pray I can go home from work in peace.

Everyday I hope I did at least one right thing.

Everyday I hope that the decisions I made were wise and beneficial to all.

Everyday I complain to myself and whine silently.

Everyday I pray for a replacement to get me out of my misery.

Everyday I try not to talk back when people tell me to hang in there and that the experience would make me a better person.

Everyday I go to sleep, thinking about the events and my actions in the day.

Everyday I wake up and silently dread the day that I will be facing.

Everyday I try to shrug the fatigue that threatens to overwhelm me and push forward.

Everyday I try to do the best I can so I won't be labelled a failure.

Everyday I try to look forward to things that will make my day.

BUT...

Everyday, Something will end up making me sad.

This is the story of my life now.

I am blessed!

This is one of my happy posts.. I must admit they are decreasing, but I am making an effort to be happy and to count my blessings. This is precisely what I am going to do now.

Today I am delighted with 2 things. I have booked tickets to watch Christina Aguilera in concert. Can't wait!! Very excited. I am sure Naz is way more excited than me. In addition, i have realised how much someone values my happiness. She is willing to accompany me to watch the concert immediately after i asked her even though it may be tight on her budget. LOVE YOU! I am blessed to have a dear friend like her.

In my previous posts, i have always been lamenting the difficulties on the work front. Today I shall continue on the good things in my life. This is not to say that the work difficulties have magically disappear.. Haha... I wish it did! But alas, they continue to be present..

Back to the good things,

I have friends that I love loads and who love me too...

I have my dear someone who I know loves me too but doesn't express it well...

I have parents that love me too..

I guess these 3 things are most important to me and are vital for my mental survival.. haha..

So to those that feel my blog is becoming a very deep and dark one, this is one of the few light hearted posts.. :)

What can I say?

I am blessed!

Bored Stiff....

You sleeping... I waiting...

It happens all the time..

You say half an hour.. but it never happens, it will ALWAYs drag longer than that...

Damn boring.. Maybe it is the difference in personality.. I can't stand just sitting around and doing nothing but you are happy to just lie in bed all day..

It is driving me crazy.. I don't even mean we must go out to buy stuff.. but just doing something, play some sport downstairs, surf the net together or something.. Better than me watching you sleep and waiting for you to wake up...

I cried...

I cried.... Not once but on 2 consecutive days...

Once in my office.. Thankful that no one entered and saw me in that embarrassing state...

The second time however, was not so lucky... It took only this sentence,"Xiaomei, how are you?" for me to break down uncontrollably.. I already tried my best to avoid him so that I won't have to risk crying in front him.. But he spotted me.. The more he asked, the harder i cried.. What a bloody weakling I am! The 2 other people involved in the conversation must have thought I was mad.. Reality is such.. In the line of work that I am in, ladies are already considered weaker, a crying woman is even worse!

When he learnt that I was the only one and that there was no one to help me, he said he understood why I was feeling so terrible.. His arm around my shoulder was very comforting but brief...

The stress is overwhelming. It is consuming me.. Somedays I feel like giving up totally and voicing out that I want to get out.. In my previous post, I said I was determined not to let the place collapse under me.. This is proving damn tough.. Do i have the determination, preserverance and strength to pull this off?

You think that the stress is self-inflicted..No, it isn't.. I am like a person with 4 heads.. I am wearing 4 hats.. Very Tiring... I have to also deal with indirect criticism.. People who tell me indirectly that I am not doing a good job of controlling the people under me... Yes, I used to kick butt but that was because I knew exactly what I was supposed to do.. Now? I am not even on the first rung of the ladder..

The previous place was worse than now, but I was in a group of people and we suffered together. We knew exactly how the other person was feeling because we were going through the exact same thing. But now, I am alone.. I can't complain or discuss with anyone.. I am stranded in the middle of the large ocean with no compass, no sense of direction, no idea where land is but just paddling hard.

Paddling hard and hoping that at the end of the day, my brute force will get me somewhere..

The Phantom....

Blistered and tired feet... But worth it..

I went to watch the Phantom of the Opera today! It was "Fantabulous"!!.. haha.. if there's such a word.. Watched my first musical/play with Ottie... It was Glam Gals night.. haha..

Sorry... no pics.. I didn't bring a camera..Here is a pic of the killer heels that gave me height and blisters.. But this is the first time I feel so glam.. but of course... there were a lot of people looking at THE Gorgeous One in the orange dress next to me.. haha.. Anyway Thank you for playing a part in this memory and experience for me.. Looking forward to future outings like this... Maybe we shall go watch a ballet?

Back to the performance, I think the cast was brilliant. Each and everyone of them..There were times when the singing and the emotions that could be heard from their singing caused me to have goose pimples.... I think the backstage crew were even better. The change of the backdrops and the props were so quick, it was almost like the curtains came down and went up immediately.

The chandelier was..... Very Nice!!!! Nice!! Nice!!!..Sooo very nice!!!

The sound effects were really good too.. There were times when the voices were projected from different corners of the theatre and I found myself looking in the direction to see if the actor was there... Haha.. a bit silly but the sound was that good!...

The costumes too.. Especially in the Masquerade scene... Lots of BLING!! I especially liked one of the ladies that looked like she was trying to be a spider.. Her skirt was similar to a web, but it was a very BLING web.. haha!!..

The performance was also very inspiring to me.. Hopefully someday I can be part of something like that..

Ottie: Think you are psychic.. either that or you really know me damn well.. You know exactly what I am going to say..
"Follow your dreams.." I hope to too... But sometimes it will have to depend on other situations. I hope you will be by my side when and if I do end up following it... :)

Haven't felt so happy for a very long time..

The happiness will be shortlived when Monday comes but it will inspire and motivate me to hang in there so that I can have the chance to try and follow my dreams..

Wish me luck and continue to give me strength!

too short...

I think she cut my fringe too short... my hair is standing... Can i bring a pair of scissors along on the 5th and you help me cut? haha... some parts look weird..

The past week has been one very long week... Very thankful that I only have to work 4 days next week.. I am going to vietnam lo.. Quite excited...

I foresee more work coming along.. It seems that there are more secondary appointments that the present ones... Changes are going to happen.. In fact, I implemented a minor change and already it has met with great resistance. Maybe people only accept change when it is beneficial to themselves. Hopefully the replacement comes fast and i can go back to being a 2IC.

She told me that she's very happy that i am now the person in charge. I told her i don't mind the job but i don't like being thrown into it all of a sudden. And at the same time, it seems like I am invisible to the rest of the people. Quite demoralizing.

One of them said this jokingly," The place will collapse after this batch of us goes off." I know he was joking but some part of me feel it will be true and I may not be able to stop it from falling apart.

To you and you: I know my blog is starting to scare you but I am fine.. Don't worry... Maybe these few weeks and months are the 'downs' in my life.

I was hopeful that they upon seeing that i was in an hysterical state would open their eyes and realize that they are the cause and work together to solve things.. But I was hopeful and the hope still carries on being a hope..

To end on a happier note, I went for my first pedicure last sat.. haha... a small attempt at pampering myself.. Looking forward to watching Phantom... An excuse to doll up to go out...

2 IC no more...

Overwhelmed.. that's how i feel...

I knew it was coming but I didn't expect it to be so fast. I assumed that like everyone else, there will be a reasonable amount of time for me to understudy. But I guess I am not like everyone else.
Now it has landed on my shoulders.

You questioned my ability and capabilities. Don't pretend. You said you were worried for me, but you just wanted me to be fully aware that you 'built the system into what it is'. You tell me the system doesn't seem to flow after you start to be absent. You also say you are worried that it will fall apart after you leave. It's demoralizing the first time you hinted in my face. But the second time you told me, it made me determined to make sure the reputation of the place will not be damaged when I am in charge.

It is demoralizing when you go to a new place, you are excited to learn new stuff then you get told that you will be leaving the place soon. Then you see your top management very actively recruiting people and he keeps telling you, "You will out of here earliest by the end of the yr." many times in different ways. But well... what to do? It strengthens my belief that this organisation is going to meet its decline in the near future... With all the changes and cost-saving efforts...

Today I felt like giving up, felt boxed in, felt like everyone wanted a piece of me. I rushed back to office during lunch, had a 5 min lunch before having to rush back down to another part of the premises. But the ultimate blow to my weary shoulders was when I called to ask someone to help me check some stuff and was told some key personnel were taken out for lunch and were not coming back to office after that. Felt like crying, but forced myself to hold back the tears..

Tears= weakness.. The cruelty of the real world.

Not looking forward to upcoming weeks. I foresee lots of problems, lots of hidden matters that have been swept under the carpet.

I jokingly told one of them the other day, my smile will be disappearing as the weeks go by...

You tell me to be brave... I hope I won't let you down. I hope you won't be the one to see me in tears too.

Everyone jokingly told me it is a promotion with no pay rise. Yup.. I guess it could be put that way. My shoulders feel heavy, every step i take, there are decisions to be made. Now, i truly understand the difficulties faced when one has no proper guidance.

Wish me luck. I pray it will be enough... and of use...

Too much

I just want a happy family.. Is that too much? I want to see my parents hold hands and grow old. I just want to start my own life peacefully. Too much? It's probably too much. It is too much.

One is spineless. One complains to everyone under the sun. One is too cowardly to fight his own battles. One is convinced the other is unfaithful. One is convinced but doesn't take concrete steps. When all these ONEs add up,they equal to TWO selfish people. Selfish enough to throw their problems onto another person's shoulder. A person who attempts to help but no one heeds the advice. A person who is busy enough but yet has to entertain them.

2 people's problem=
- Disturbance of innocent's people's life.
+ Irritation suffered by people
+ Frustration at the things that she can't do
+ Badmouthing of everyone
+ Demolition of relationships
+ People finding ways of escaping the truth.

Is it worth it?

"Don't air your dirty linen in the public" Didn't learn it in school? Now I teach you.

Why?
- It's shameful
- It makes people look down on you.
- It speaks VOLUMES about your ability and capability to handle problems
- Seriously, no one is interested.
- Lastly, it stinks up the environment : You just pollute the world and hope people clean up after you.

Utterly disappointed in all of you.

helpless

3 broken eggs on the floor.

2 fighting people.

1 broken heart.

1 cowardly bastard.

1 broken laptop.

1 bleeding lip.

1 helpless bystander.

WTH!.. why is this happening? All because of an idiot's reluctance to tell in advance that he's not eating at home. An idiot's reluctance to open his stupid mouth til the very very last minute, or even after food has been prepared.

Think stupidity grows with age and working environment.

stupidity or just plain scared?

Stupid or too afraid to take risks?

- People are sometimes too cowardly to take risks. Too scared to allow things to happen on its own. Want to have insurance for everything. So that if anything should happen, they can point their fingers at everyone else but themselves. How to progress like that? How to be efficient and effective like that?

- Don't pay lip service and say that you are trying to improve the way things are but actually you are taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

- Irritating. To see people say one thing and do another.
To see the same ineffective people come up with the 'fantabulous' ideas in front of the 'Big Shots' but have absolutely NO idea how to meet carry out the idea. All these cowardly hypocrites. Disgusting eh? No wonder it is not progressing and there are so many problems.

It looks like a BIG, JUICY RED apple that makes you want to eat it. BEWARE!! It's rotten inside, filled with maggots and slowly becoming an empty space.

I am....

I am a refugee.... Living my daily life from my trusty Nike bag.. sometimes with an additional paper bag. Most of my weekends is spent throwing laundry into the washing machine, packing fresh laundry into my bag and getting ready for the week ahead... My trusty bag is also breaking apart.. But it has served me long.. maybe it will soon give me an excuse to go shopping for another one..

I am no one.. People will forget easily. It's true.. I am physically there but I don't make enough impact for people to remember. My name is in that position on paper and turns up when something goes wrong or someone is needed to take the blame or cover. But otherwise, I am invisible..

I am a spare tyre.. I will stand in when others are unable to meet their own commitments.. It's like being on a baseball or a volleyball team.. You normally pick balls, you only get to play when the coach is desperate for a replacement or fill in for their star players. I am the spare tyre that is always very well hidden in the boot, only taken out when one of the main tyres burst... After the main tyre is fixed, the spare tyre goes back into hiding again.. haha...

What am I?

Who am I?

STOP!

I don't expect much. Just stop attacking or doubting the place and its teachings. You are one of the those people that contribute to the doubt cast on the place. One of those people that are only good at doubting and suspecting the quality of the teachings and not take the effort to really understand the difficulties faced by the place. I don't know why I am so offended but I absolutely hate it when you question the integrity of the place's teaching and look at me, expecting me to support you. NOPE...I can't do it. You are on your own. I don't care if you think I am against you. Go ahead.

I miss the school. We worked hard but we supported each other. We found solace and entertainment in each other. Words were not needed but we knew how each was suffering. Now I am by myself. No one on the same frequency to confide in.

Stuck in the middle. Confiding in the newspapers. Trying to swallow everything, complain less, whine less, endure more. I tell him but he can only listen and try to comfort but it is not the same. He is not going through it. He says it is the best time i went to the other meadow but is it? I rather suffer with the other cows on a not-so-green pasture then suffer alone on a supposedly very green pasture.

Management... my current module. Worried for the last one. The lecturer was good at talking but when I left the classroom, didn't have any knowledge taken along. Hope I can pass the exam. Was so tempted to do the only 2 questions I knew, hand in and prepare for the supplementary paper. Haha..

This module has led me to consider lots of qualities that top management or leaders should have. Maybe i should say it has also led me to consider the obvious lack of qualities in some personnel I know. Is it because the organization or the company is too big? Or is it just the breakdown in the system or planning? Mmmmmm.... I wonder...

The lecturer asked today, "Do you think you will be a good leader next time?" I hope to be. I hope to avoid the mistakes of the people around me and adopt the excellent qualities of that one man that is very respected by numerous people even though he has joined another organization.

-Humble, Kind, Attentive to your problems, Nice even though you are very very junior compared to him. He is someone that people respect as a person and not because of his position.

Don't have to meet too many of these type of people. 1 is enough to provide the inspiration.

I continue to seek inspiration and find the thing I want to do. Currently addicted to the VCD of the SHE concert in Hongkong.. Still very inspired to find something to do that is related to behind the scenes production of concerts, performances, dances etc... But still unsure where to start from... Volunteer work?

Shall hunt.. Gather information.. Help me k?

Tingling

It's tingling... my arm's tingling... I had a jab yesterday that was given under the skin.. Not the kind that they give at your bicep.. You can see a small bump forming as the solution is infused into your skin.

It swelled today. Quite a big one.. My arm feels weak, tingling and aching at the same time. I showed him my arm and asked him," Is this normal?" I expected a normal answer. But instead he "tiak" my arm the way you would hit marbles and said,"you mean this?" PAIN eh!!!!... The pain didn't stay at the spot he hit but started radiating to my fingers too. I jokingly told him that I would never see him for anything in the future, he laughed.

I don't have the luxury of my friends who have people falling over their own feet just to make them happy, take care of them when they are sick or supporting them when they are limping. Sounds like I am jealous of the most ridiculous thing right? The truth is I AM. There was once a person who my friend crossed the road with and he suddenly changed position with her and he said, 'the car can bang me first'. But when this same person crossed the road with me, our position remains the same and the car is allowed to bang me first. Sounds absurd? Well... this is just one of the examples. But i am slowly learning to ignore it and to just laugh at the absurdness of the situations.
When I state that i shall go seek medical attention, i receive snide remarks, "Slack right?" etc.

Sometimes i feel that when i talk, people will doubt what i say.
I have come to just depend on my body's ability to recover on its own.
I will survive...

CNY

CNY is here...

Many thoughts flood my head as I go around collecting ang pows and visiting. Didn't really collect much as the families are not very big. Either way it's the amount inside that counts, not the number of red packets.. Haha... I received packets that only contained 2 bucks from people who are held dear by my own family. Apparently, the feeling is not mutual.. But it doesn't really matter, just makes things and their feelings clear to me.. Haha... I think we will be broke next year, when people start to stretch out their hands to us.. :P

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I don't really look forward to getting old... People don't understand you then. I feel sad when i see my grandma having to ask us to finish the food. She trudges to the market early in the morning to buy groceries so that she can cook for us to eat but everyone who turns up at her house has had their meals. The person who told her to cook but didn't bother to help finish the food ought to be shot.

Why did you even tell her to cook in the first place? Then she practically has to beg us to eat the food. Very pitiful. Put in lots of effort into preparation but not appreciated at all. I totally agreed when he said that in his family, when his grandma ask them to eat, no matter how full they are, they will eat because if they refuse, she will be very upset and hurt.

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Hungry. They didn't pack lunch for me today. I didn't even know til i asked them and by that time, everyone had gone for their own lunch, so shall not eat today and use the time to submit this post... hee.. Either way, have been eating too much for the past few days... Shall allow my system to clear up..

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I despise you. I despise your weakness, your inability to speak up for yourself. You enlist the help of people to state your points. FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLE! Don't hide behind others especially when they know nothing about the truth and are helping you just because you are too cowardly to do it.

I despise you. I hope you know it.

Miffed... A little...

Jealous.. a little.. I say aloud I don't want anything and i know i don't want anything too.. BUT i am a little jealous when i see people preparing because i know there is no preparation on his part..

Was hopeful... a little.. A small voice from within was a little jealous seeing the box of chocolates..

They told me they wanted to see the watch that i was eyeing for so long on my wrist after yesterday. I told them,"Na, it probably won't happened." Then they told me to go buy it myself and claim.. haha.. So cute but so very friendly and nice to me even though i haven't known them for a long time.... No scandals k? .... unlike a certain someone in blue that i know... hehehe.. yup.. it's you 'maam'...

You tell me you want everyday to be special and good and not just a particular day. So does that mean I can use anyday as an excuse to expect a little gift from you? :P

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Anyway i was so busy on the road to self-destruction the past few days that i missed out very important signals from people around me.

Some people do really believe in me. I thank you for the belief you have placed in me and continue to place in me even when i am the peak of my self-doubt. Thank you for believing and loving me. You and you should know you are k? A gal in blue and a guy in green.

However, i am still looking forward to the day that i can rest for a few days in a row without feeling guilty. Haha.. i am not going to elaborate about the event that will result in the rest lest all of you out there scold me for being mad... haha

weird

It's irritating.... Very...

I fall sick but yet not sick enough to collapse. My body is just so damn bloody strong. It always has to recover just before i see a doc. If i did collapse, then i wouldn't have to listen to people suspecting that i was just using sick as an excuse.. I woke up feeling feverish and having half my voice gone. BUT when i nearing the place to take bus to work, it started to clear up. I went to see a doctor. BUT as usual, i was almost 70% well with a massive headache and very congested throat. Now i feel like i have a fire burning inside.. My neck and tummy feels hot but the thermometer tells me i have no fever...

I think i am weird. I want to get help for myself. But yet when people ask me, i am unable to express myself. So in the end, the true situation is not known... Stupid idiot.

Vince... I hope you didn't think i was psycho. But those are really my true thoughts and feelings.

Ottie.. Hope you are enjoying your day.. I am sure the bees are hard at work.. i am still waiting for your email.. Maybe i will write you one too... together with the reply.

Shirl.. I am glad that you liked the perfume... About the 3rd day of CNY, i confirm with you again k,,,

Nana... Thanks for helping to be the one handling all our purchases from Gojane.. Love ya...

Nearly....

I nearly fainted on the bus yesterday. I think it was the combination of me feeling really lousy and the stuffy bus.
I thank the lady who saw me swaying and got up to offer me her seat. It may have been her stop or maybe she was just giving her seat to me.. I thank you.

I think it was the combination of really spicy food from food court for lunch, corn soup+mixed grill+root beer float from Billy bombers that really upsetted my tummy.. I ended up waking at 1 plus last last night throwing up and went back to sleep still feeling nauseous. When i woke up yesterday morning, my whole body was aching and i didn't dare to consume any food or liquid for fear that it would be wasted. Felt really lousy, thankfully i only had to endure for half a day, i went home to rest after the test ended. I nearly fainted when walking to the bus interchange.. After sleeping at home, i awoke with fever.. But i still went to meet my ma to do some shopping at This Fashion.. Haha.. Ottie dear, i think you will be pleased that i have finally bought myself jeans that are not 'lau lau'...

Never really felt so sick. I know some of you might find it a bit weird, i was a bit happy to be sick.. Coz i was just telling him that day that i wouldn't mind collapsing so that i could take a few days rest without feeling guilty. Hahaha... okok... don't scold me k...

I ate KFC for dinner and i thought it would make me so sick that i wouldn't be able to go to work today. But i was wrong. The potent combination of herbal tea taken together with Yin qiao tablets allowed me to go to work today with nothing more than a sore throat.. Power ah? So i guess the collapsing from exhaustion will have to wait for another time...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I admire you.

- You who knew from young that you wanted to be a policeman. And you have worked your way through all the obstacles so that you can now proudly tell people," I wanted to do this since i was a little boy and now i am successful."

- You who knew that you wanted to be a pilot even though you gave up the idea when you became short sighted. But when i ask you now, what you want to be, your answer is still a pilot.

- You who knew that you either wanted to be a nun or something along the line so that you could 'save the world'. You are now going for training soon to be some form of world saviour. :p

- You who always knew you would be in the PR or marketing line. You who have the talent and natural ability to socialise well with people and speak with confidence even though you sometimes say things too quickly.

I admire you..

A speck of dust

A speck of dust...

Small. Insignificant. No function. No purpose. No ambition.
It's only contribution to the society is to create jobs for people and headaches for others.
No one knows when it appears and when it disappears. Most people are oblivious to it.
It's lost. It takes the direction of the wind that carries it within.

This is me.

Ridiculous....

The increasing prices and the decreasing square areas are really quite irritating. In some ways, they are the main factors why people may resort to queueing for stuff even there are no official notices about the sale of it. The desperation of people to take leave to queue based on speculation just shows 2 things:

-LOTS of people want it

-There are not enough to go around because the new ones are expensive, small and basically reminds them of squatters..... Haiz... What to do? Join in the madness or just sit and wait patiently for our turn? Will we miss the turn if we do not join in the madness?

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Dictatorship sucks... Especially the dictators that are lazy, always not around and claim credit for others' efforts. Basically they just spoil the day for the people around them. Don't underestimate others. Don't find fault with things people do even though it is not exactly the way you want it, you lose respect.

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To my dear ma-dam: It sounds like there are loads of people taking really good care of you. That's good! I also want!!.... But the hidden meanings and the flowery language in your posts are causing people to worry and misunderstand.. so 'my friend' is really concerned. So reply his sms k? Hee...