Reality hits...

I received my very first sms of failed giro deduction the other day and it did not register at first. But today as i was rotting at home reading my book, it suddenly struck that after paying my credit card bills, i did not have enough to pay for my handphone bills.

So for the second time in a week, i had to dig into my savings..

As i was walking around, i kept thinking to myself that i wanted to take a break and go shopping, yet they were such foolish thoughts since i was like down to my last 10 bucks. Another strange thought hit me while i was walking back to the mrt. How is it that the young couple that looked like they were still schooling and walking in front me afford the branded items that they were carrying..

Hmmmm.... Am i not saving hard enough?

Finding that support...

I dragged my tired and aching back out for a run today.. As I was running along the canal, there was a guy that was running slightly ahead of me. I realised that if I maintained my pace, I could keep up running behind him. In a way, that motivated me to maintain my pace and continue running.. Before I knew it, I ran past 2 bridges that would have normally tempted me to take a break... It felt like an invisible support system that was pushing me to run faster and further..

Life will probably be so much easier with someone or something supporting you.. It could someone close to you or like in this case, a random stranger..

Thoughts aplenty.. But the words to express them continue to elude me..

Where am i truly me?

I stood at the junction, waiting for the green man to cross the road and pondering. Deeply.

Where am I truly me?

W: Bitch at work, split personality, bad ass that nags at every minute detail

H: Mediator, peace-maker

H: DIL

In the car? At the library? At the airport?

Is that where I am really me?

Early release....

Today i had early release... The first one in a long long time.. I actually reached home before 4pm. Totally amazing. I even had time to go for a swim before having dinner.

I submitted the form today.. The look on her face when she saw the magical "early release" on the form was priceless. I had looked forward to this day since last year. I expected myself to have a vast variety of feelings when submitting. However, I did not feel anything at all. Maybe my senses are numbed.
Someone commented that my desire to leave wasn't huge considering I took so long to complete my resume.

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it's just the lack of confidence in what I wrote and needing the affirmation of others.

The countdown to a new chapter begins.. Wish me luck..

In the midst of company, I felt most alone.

While slicing strawberries, her mum sidled up to me and requested that i speak to her about her "frowned-upon" and "god-disapproving" relationship. How am I to do that when I see this happy aura around her? Am I even in an appropriate position to do so? I pondered between telling her about the conversation even though I had been told by her mummy not to say. Caught in a dilemma, I decided to just keep quiet. I figured that there was enough negative reactions to the relationship without me contributing to it.

The conversation led me to think about this point :

Who defined the "approved" types of relationships? Why are same-gender relationships frowned upon? Similarly, why does it seem that divorces are taboo?

Don't get me wrong, I am neither for or against such things. I just feel that if it is what the individual wants, then society should back off and keep their comments to themselves. A relationship is between 2 individuals, yet it is often affected by the views of the people around.

Will we eventually lose ourselves?

I watched Marley and Me with Mr H yesterday.. We had originally wanted to watch Valkyrie but were unable to make it for the available showtimes. So we settled for Marley and Me.

The dog was really cute and extremely similar to TKB as both dogs were affected by thunderstorms. Marley howls at thunderstorms while TKB hides under the table.

As the show progressed, the family also grew in size with the addition of 3 babies. It felt like the feelings of the character were reflecting and representing my own hesitations and fears. The female character had to give up her job. There was resentment. Resentment arising from having to sacrifice her job for the family. Resentment from him having to stay with a certain job for the stability of the family. Unhappiness from the inability to do the things they really desire.

How and will we lose ourselves in the process of creating a family? Is that really what everyone wants? Or are we just following the norms of the society? Will resentment eventually break down the relationship?

Yet, there was a point in the movie where a subtle but so important message was said, "I made my decisions and i will stand by them. Together we will get through things."

Shut the bloody hell up!!

Why do people not know when to keep their bloody mouths shut?!!

Like a radio that has its repeat button permanently pressed down, he just keeps going on and on. He says "Talk with substance, speak with style". It's easy to say, isn't it. But it's quite obvious he doesn't practice what he preaches.

No one is interested in all the "good" that you are doing. You always claim to be a good leader, a guru and a senior. But what's the point of it all? A good leader or mentor is not one that only brags about himself, all the supposedly useful projects that he has done or the power that he claims to have. Most importantly, someone that "noble" will not condemn others while bragging about himself.

The past is past. Do not always try to boast about your glorious history.

Firstly : no one is interested

Secondly : you have repeated it so many times that i am sure people "shut down" when they hear the same opening sentence.

Thirdly : Are you really really sure your history is THAT glorious??

So, just shut the bloody hell up!!!

Don't talk about grooming the young. You claim to be so senior etc.. Then where is the guidance? The worst thing a senior can do is to plant spies. Spies that report to you so that you can use the information against the unsuspecting people.

Do you really think no one is aware what a bloody idiot you are? Or are you underestimating everyone's intelligence?

Serenity

What is your definition of serenity?

Mine:


~Running along the reservoir and watching men cast their rods



~Looking at the silhouettes of the men cast on the water by the setting sun



~Sitting on the bench, watching sun set and listening to Enya



~Observing the calm waters and paddle pop like sky



~Enjoying the cool breeze


It's amazing how simple pleasures such as these can be so refreshing...for the mind and body.

Round and round they go

The thoughts are like a continuous merry go round.. There is no stop button and no power switch to switch it off. I keep asking myself the same questions, keep considering the same factors. Too many "What ifs" cloud my brain. The issue of suitability, experience, economy etc contribute to the merry go round everyday..

I am driving myself nuts and probably the people around me too..

My vampire tendencies are back and even worse than before. Sitting up more often during the night and scaring the hell out of Mr H..

I feel inadequate. Questions that I have no answers to. Information that I take extremely long to process and digest. Have I unconsciously slipped into a particular mental state also known as "THE MOOD"? I compare myself now and then. It seems like I was more eager to find out what was going on when I was there in 2007. The difference between then and now is so vast. I have spent a year here but yet I still say "Erh, I don't really know" almost everytime I am asked something. Why do I seem to have lost the drive? I seem to be constantly blaming the environment and the people within.

Is the true problem within myself?

HCMC experienced again

The flight was approximately 1 hour and 45 mins. For me, it was almost 2 entire hours of tolerance training. I had the good fortune of sitting next to 3 families with babies and toddlers that were just sitting in rows next to mine. The best part of it all? There was always 1 kid crying and wailing his heart out. There was a period where ALL 3 were wailing at the same time. Although i had my ipod plugged into my ears, it was insufficient to block out the noise. At that very moment, I made a quiet decision to not bring kids on plane rides until they are old enough to be taught how to deal with the discomfort in the ears.

Even though i have been to HCMC before, it was a enriching experience this time round with new knowledge. New places discovered and more of the local food tasted. We had some spicy pork, beef noodle that you add your own vegetables to the soup. My mummy and Mr H will be very proud of me now.. Every mouthful had LOADS of vegetables. There was no point in picking the vegtables out as it would had taken far too long. I tried taking a picture of it, but it just turned out bad. We also had some form of Vietnamese rice cake which is somewhat similar to our chwee kueh. The difference is that we eat ours with chai poh and they eat theirs with chilli sauce, chilli oil, fried onions, shrimps and fried pig skin. So sinful but here it is:

For dessert, we travelled to a place where I was told that I had to have jackfruit juice.. YUP! Jackfruit juice... pure jackfruit juice with a scoop of ice cream.

See below for illustration: (That sunken bit is where the ice cream is.

The next day we met Neil and Xuan for dinner. Dinner came in two parts. First, we had soup in one location... It wasn't just simply soup, the soup was full of good stuff.. It's called Me Quang or Mi Quang.. Oops, can't remember the spelling though.. hee..

Before the soup came, we were munching on the stuff that they put on every table. The pink little square is actually preserved pork (quite yummy) and the one is the leaf tasted a bit like sausages (Yummy! I had 2 of it!)

Then came the 2nd part of dinner where we travelled to another location where we had seafood..

First we had the shellfish cooked in coconut milk which is quite unique since the ones in singapore are normally cooked in sambal. Then we had steamed clams and prawns cooked in tamarind sauce which was sweet and again unique... Lastly we had porridge. Mr H, Neil and Xuan had oyster porridge while i had the clam porridge.. YUMMY!!!!

We celebrated Mr H's birthday on the 14th with ice cream and a cake that was covered in thick thick cream... We were so sick of the cream that we didn't eat the small cakes that we had originally bought in the morning.. Hahah.. But it was a nice experience.. I guess it was a unique experience for Mr H too... Birthday overseas..

Anyway this HCMC trip was unique because we explored the inner corners and were brought to eat the local food by the staff...

It's over!

The audit is finally over...

Strangely, after keeping all the files, i still felt the same. I was asked why i still looked unhappy even though the results were alright.. I think it was mainly because there were a few that were stupid mistakes which could be avoided. It could have been due to the target that i had set for myself..

The audit also exposed many areas which i thought were functioning well but now i know requires much more attention.

Someone asked if maybe i could have started the guys in preparation earlier as i was only ramping up preparations in the last 2 weeks. I fell silent at the implied meaning.. I don't really expect everyone to understand the difficulties that i face, so i chose to keep silent. I probably would have ended up as an emotional wreck if i had opened my mouth to talk about the daily difficulties.. All that i spoke about would probably have come out as excuses..

During the audit, there were so many occasions that i felt like all the hard work came to zilch when mistakes continued to be discovered even though we went through the documents before..
It's almost like if we didn't work that hard, then we probably wouldn't have felt so disappointed.

Now that it is all over, there still much more work to do since the audit has exposed flaws and cracks.

A new thing everyday.

Today was just really tiring, especially after working late yesterday and leaving the office later than everyone else today again, knowing that my work is not completed and that time is running out for me.. But i guess the silver lining is that someone had legs itching for tango and so i went along with her..

Stepping into the door is like being transported into a secret society for "tango diehards", somewhere which does not resemble singapore. A place to chill and watch fancy but oh so beautiful footwork..

Had the chance to dance with various partners today and it was quite an experience. Dancing with the 'masters' created quite a bit of stress for me, resulting in embarassingly sweaty palms. Gross, i know.

*Damn the sweat glands.* :p..

However, today's experience was both nerve wrecking and enriching at the same time.

Nerve wrecking because i have only had 1 lesson and here i was, dancing with people who have done it for god knows how many years. I had to say a "disclaimer" that i have had only 1 lesson with every new partner that i danced with.. Haha! The 'masters' were really gracious to dance with a noob like me..

It was also enriching because I picked up information about the origins of Tango and not just the footwork.

"Learn a new thing everyday." Someone once said this to me but i can't remember who this someone is.. Oops! Anyway i learnt the etiquette involved in tango, how a polite "Thank you" said at the wrong timing can mean something else other than expressing your gratitude.. Learnt the significance of why people don't seem to dance immediately when the music starts...

I guess all these nitty gritty details just adds to the entire appreciation of the dance... What i really like about this "secret society" is that no matter how experienced the others are, they are generous with sharing their knowledge and extremely patient with noobs like me... No snobbish airs at all.

Will it become an obsession? Hmmmm... I cannot say yet.

All I can say its great fun and so looking forward to learning more, not stepping on others' toes and avoid getting stepped on.. :P

I am one of them

I am reading another glossy fashion magazine while waiting for time to pass so that i can go home.

Yet, i am unable to concentrate. Thoughts keep surfacing. I am only scanning through the pictures but not absorbing the information in the articles.

In a recent MSN conversation, someone asked me what i would say or think if i saw a gal walking down Orchard Road in boots. I said, "Gd for her, at least she makes the effort." In my head, i was also thinking, "At least she has the confidence to do it without worrying about what others think." As i am reading the fashion magazine, i chanced upon someone who mentions that her fashion pet peeve is people wearing knee high boots in singapore since its not suitable for the climate. But i guess lighter materials used in making boots for sale in singapore would probably reduce the discomfort level.

Are we influenced by such comments? People that are perceived to be more stylish since they are featured in such magazines? Is that why people look at others who are confident enough to be different with amused stares?

Someone who i saw while walking around before watching Coppelia asked me this the next time she saw me at work.

Person X: "You were attending a wedding that day, is it?
Me : "Nope, just going to watch dance."
Person X: "Wa, go watch dance wear until like that ah?"

Just to clarify, i wasn't even dressed like a Harajuku gal. It's probably just that the particular person mentioned here only sees me in the same outfit that everyone else wears. Such a harmless comment, but yet it deeply affects me. No matter how people perceive or stereotype me upon hearing my occupation, there is something in me that just wants to look better on weekends. Especially when its the only time that i am able to dress up.

I admit it. I am one of those that are always worried about people's views about me. When i look at my bestie, i only wished to have just 10% of her confidence and probably also 10% of her fashion style. Her confidence to wear galoshes and not worry about people staring at her.

I guess that's why i will always remain the "safe" one. The one always in "safe" black, happy to blend into the background.

Why do profiles of people in FB have such an ability to stir up questions of "What if?" in my mind? Or is it just my own insecurities revealing themselves?

Losing sight

It's so easy to lose sight...

To lose sight of who you are and who you want to be. Especially when you are busy looking and admiring others.

You just end up getting caught up in observing and hoping to emulate others and you finally lose track of your likes and the unique characteristics that are solely you.

It's so easy to cross the thin line between simply observing to pick up good points of others and being so caught up that you lose sight.

She pointed out something so obvious the other day at East Coast Starbucks. We are so busy living for other people that our topics revolve more around others than ourselves...When she said that, i actually thought of a book about life lessons for women. It also mentioned something about the numerous roles that a woman has to play and how she can end up neglecting herself.

It's so hard to maintain a balance. Between the many many roles required of us.

So demoralizing

It is quite difficult to work when your superiors are not exactly the most supporting ones.

One has an allergy to working during normal working hours and loves to 'recall' people at odd hours such as weekends or after office hours. It's almost like he has no life besides his job and intends to make sure that people have to suffer with him.

Informing people on friday night that he wants to conduct checks on sat morning. No courtesy to even inform the person involved personally. Giving lame excuses that he needs to rush because he needs to submit the report on monday. Setting the time at 10am, delaying till 1130 and only reaching at 1pm and walking in like he was king. Not bothering to apologize. Finding fault with ridiculous things such as the alignment of the papers being filed. Talking abt his "glorious history".

So sickening and so irritating. Still had the cheek to self-righteously say he had not had lunch. "You are not the only one!" You made so many people wait and they too had not had their lunch. So don't act like you are the only one that is working so hard that you had no time to have your lunch.

The other one is just demoralizing. 7 out of 10 times that he calles me, he will start out with this:" I am so / very disappointed with you/ your men." Every single time he says that, i feel like throwing something at him and telling him to SHUT UP!

If you have nothing better to say, then don't say anything. When you are busy with everything else, the last thing you need is someone to tell you that he is disappointed with you just because you forget to do trivial trivial matters. Easy for you to say when you are not involved in commercial stocktake at all. You don't have to deal with audits. You have your own job scope and your own difficulties. Just stop adding to others by focusing so much on trivial matters such as offs and interviews.

What do i do?

Faced with another decision.

After he spoke to me about the good reviews that i was supposedly getting from senior staff, he tried to ask me to reconsider my decision to leave.

2 people have told me the same thing, " The grass is greener on the other side."

What do i do now?

I don't know if the grass is truly greener on the other side if i don't go out and try, right?

So many 'What Ifs' are in my mind right now. Questions about the future too.

I know i will be relieved when i finally leave this place. But will i be able to find a job outside? What relevant experience do i have?

What do i do? Should i just stay till everything stabilizes?

Dilemmas...

Finally.. on MC, a chance to rest.

So why is it that I am sitting in the living room still thinking if i should go back to work tomorrow?

Is it as what some one mentioned? We care too much about what people think and end up worried of being judged. It is so easy to say, "Don't bother about it." but yet it is so difficult to do so.

That's probably why i would never try to get MC for the fear that people would say I am faking it. But this week has been such a trying week. It seems like it took forever to reach friday. Coughing my lungs out at night and in the morning to clear the phlegm is taking up a bit of energy, especially when i can't sleep at night.

I would love to go back to the days when i was no one, the days when i took instructions, the days when i could look to someone for advice or answers. The days that i was carefree and didn't have responsibilities weighing me down. So childish i know..

Now, everyone in the centre turns to me when they have problems. What about me? Who do i turn to? Who can i turn to?

I committed a PR boo boo today.. Feeling guilty.

Do we matter to the organisation? Why is it that someone can actually say we must treat the unwilling ones properly as they are important people, "father, mother's sons"? What about us? Aren't we someone else's children too?

Just can't wait to get out..

Everything is getting on my nerves.

Is it because my threshold is reducing or is it because the amount of rubbish is simply increasing?

The blame game seems to be in full action now. Told to self audit our own centres and look for mistakes but we have to check 3 years worth of documents, meaning i have to check documents dating from July 05.

Checking and identifying the mistakes is fine. But yet no one knows what are the consequences of identifying and declaring all these mistakes. All i know is that although these mistakes were made by the previous appointment holders, current ones have to explain even though they have no idea what happened. Current appointment holders still have to review, create and ensure systems are in place to ensure that these mistakes do not happen again.

Is honesty truly the best policy in these situations? Will everyone just end up shooting their own foot?

As if dealing with preparations with 2 audits is not enough work, someone had to add in something else for everyone to do..

I am probably being petty here. But when the check occured, i wasn't even in this location and had not even taken over. But now that the report is out with all the mistakes, somehow my name is there.

Similarly for something that someone did not pass, I had to write the report even though I wasn't there when it happened. I wonder if the same would happen if this was a report that was something good? Would my name still appear on the report if it was something good that happened when i wasn't around?

In the end, even after all the frustration and whining, I still have to suck it up and do the report.

I sat there today, stoning. Really wanting to just give up and say i no longer want to do all these rubbish.

Now there are 4 audits/checks that are going on concurrently. Judge me and say i can't multi-task. But i am merely human.

I am not superwoman, neither do i want to be one.

Thank you...

Thank you for being such a sweetheart..

Thank you for always motivating me in your little little ways.

Thank you for giving the pink "Prima Donna" chair, the pink notebook with the inspiring words and the pink slip of paper given to all of us to list the things we want to do before the big 3 O..

Thank you for going to the Phantom of Opera with me even though I was like a suaku pig attending her first musical.

Thank you for agreeing almost immediately to go attend Dans Festival with me too, knowing that it would inspire me.

Thank you for simply being you and always being there.