Life is strange...

Life...

Full of ups and downs,

Full of crossroads.

I entered the organisation, confident that I would end up staying with them all the way. Now i am looking forward to next year when i finally say goodbye to it and close this chapter.

Afraid... Subconsciously, i think that is the main reason why i am reluctant to meet up with them. Afraid that i am inferior as compared to them. All of them seem to come from XX university, working in YY company.. Somehow it feels like i ended up the worst in the class...
So don't really want to go for the fear of being the worst in the group..

Maybe i should have continue studying in a proper Uni after graduating from poly. Then i won't have to deal with the current rubbish from APMI Kaplan..

Anyway, it's bad.. their staff turnover rate seems very high too. We have had a change of 6-7 program managers in the past 1 and half years... So anyway i won't have to say much about their incompetence and admin lapses. Any of my classmates will share their stories with you too...

Changes....

Knock on my head the day i change into someone you no longer recognise.

I told you this yesterday and i remember telling others the same thing when i moved up ranks. I have seen people change with the increase in power or authority that they are given. I hope i still am who i am when you first knew me. Please don't let me change for the worst, pull me back to where i belong when you see me floating away or wondering lost.

Change is like a double edged sword.. It results in both benefits and detriments. Maybe, like all things, it requires moderation.

I don't intend to change the world. I just want to contribute my tiny weeny part to make it that much better. If nothing changes after all the effort, then i will just comfort myself that at least i tried. If something seems out of place and there is a better way to do it, i will try it. If the new method fails, then at least i know i tried.

I have seen few that have left the system with people commenting about their wrong-doings all the time. I hope not to be one of them. I am not looking to be "best in this or best in that". I just want to be remembered for putting in her best effort. That's good enough for me, i guess...

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I am still mulling about the pink sheet of paper that you gave us yesterday. It scares me a little that i am about 5 years away from the big 30 and yet, i didn't have something that popped in my head the minute you told us to create the checklist.

What if i create the list but don't know how to take the little steps to get there? Will i end up more frustrated?

How long will i take to find myself? Will it be too late when it happens?

Do you know who you are and where you want to be in the future?

Finally.. A little happiness

Today was a mixture of feelings.

I started the day at work frustrated. A certain event was extended and it resulted in me having to rearrange major parts of the forecast. I see manpower constraints now and in the future.

Lunch-time was slightly nerve-wrecking especially when i had already made an appointment with my 2nd in command to tell him about the bad news that had been causing me sleepless nights and probably numerous wrinkles the past 2 weeks. I was wished good luck which i graciously accepted as it seemed like the only thing that could probably help me seeing as how 'divine intervention' may have failed.

Telling him wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. In fact, it was rather heart-warming as his first concern was how it would affect me. After telling him, i had to inform another person to keep a lookout for me for the specific serial number. If i had known earlier, i would have spoken to her first. She gave me such vital information that led me directly to where this "lost" item was! It wasn't even loaned out in the first place!

I was like a mad idiot jumping around in my workplace. Think they must have thought i had lost my mind. After i had passed along the good news, it did strike us that the people that we trusted more were also the people that lied.

So it does reveal true colours about people.. In a good and bad way. You see the people that will stand by you even though they are not really involved in it. Maybe if i try to give the benefit of doubt, it could be that she was so adamant that it was there was because she had taken the wrong set. But then again, this theory doesn't work out, since it was passed directly into her hands... Hmmmmm....

But all in all... I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. I had been worrying the past 2 weeks, trying to go through the various scenarios of how it could have gone missing and flooding other people's inbox with sms even through the weekends.

I can now finally say the event that ended on the 1st has finally come to an end. Everything is going smoothly now. All that remains is the return of the various stores to their various owners..

Happy and relieved. Very.

Increasing and increasing

Fuel price is going up... Prices of things are going up...

Expecting aid of some form...

BUT! Instead you are met with Everyday Rising Prices.

Yesterday i paid $1.50 because i missed the $1 time frame by 1 minute. Just as i was going under the gantry, the charges changed and increased.

Today i paid $2.00 because i went past the gantry about 6pm..

I think it's quite ridiculous. Instead of having some sort of relief from the crazily-increasing costs of things, we are faced with one more increase which i think lies in the timing of a certain decision which can be controlled.

Sigh... Is "apathetic" a word that truly reflects Singaporeans or is it that it has been instilled in us to just "suck it up?"

Falling....

Unhappiness is like a bottomless pit.. Once you fall in, it always seems like you just keep falling deeper and deeper with no way of getting out.. Maybe that's why people sometimes end up going into depression.. Outsiders will probably look at them and think they just take things too seriously. But i think general unhappiness is a sum of fatigue, feeling unappreciated and feeling overwhelmed by things thrown onto their shoulders with no rest in sight.

It is strange how the simplest things can cheer a person up.

-Online shopping : Seeing the pretty things online. Not necessarily buying them but just seeing is good enough.

- Thinking of having a cup of Starbucks Choc Cream Chip Frapp is also bringing a smile to me.

- Seeing the funny and nice pictures that friends are putting on Facebook.

- Seeing sunrise while driving to work although in danger of falling asleep at the wheel.

- Buying Eason Chan concert tickets.

- Arranging to meet my friends and thinking of a pampering session

- Dreaming of going for a holiday again even though it seems like a long time before it happens.. Bangkok is good enough. Anywhere else can probably be counted as a bonus.

Almost

Almost lost my cool yesterday and today... Think it is the combination of fatigue, lack of rest or a holiday that i can look forward to and knowing that after tues, i still have loads to do...

If i told you yesterday's situation that nearly resulted in the meltdown, you probably shake your head and laugh loudly at me.. The person that was supposed to give me information started walking in the direction that was leading me further and further away from where my car was parked. I was just tired and really very hungry. All i wanted was the information so that i could make the needed phone call and go meet Mr H for dinner. That's all.. And i really just felt very frustrated and tired from trying to rush people into submitting photos at the last minute or risk them not being able to enter and clear security on tuesday.

Today was a little more trying. Continued calling and chasing people to pass me photos. I think that last minute photos that i submitted resulted in causing another person to stay late at work. I still had to deal someone that is obsessed with the welfare awarded to other people and keeps harping on it..Non-stop harping! What's the matter with him? I really don't understand..

At times when i am in my office or standing at the 5th floor, i just 'shut down' and suddenly feel tired and feel like just finding a corner to sit down and stone or sleep.. But when work calls, we just have to suck it up and go through with it...

2 more days to the end of it and the beginning of audit preparations. Argh!!!
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I think after this long shitty day, the thing that really tickled me was that i won the bet with Mr H that Daiso in IMM is not on the 2nd floor.. So he will have to get me the DS lite.. haha! Lucky i won the bet. If i had lost the bet, i would have to buy him the Canon 45oD which is 1.4k! haha... We do have high stakes ah...

I am quite addicted to 'Trauma Centre' even though someone said i was amateur.. Hmph!

Anyway just happy to find out that there is a sistic outlet at IMM so that i can go buy my Eason Chan concert tickets! YEAH!!!! Can't wait for 26th July!

I want...

So frivolous... Online window shopping is bad.. hee..

I want:

- The white dress from Warehouse with flowers: so pretty but nowhere to wear it.. How to make the $190 worthwhile? haha... I saw someone wearing it immediately after i saw it in the shop..

- to find the black Burberry jacket that was featured on the Taiwanese show.. Just to look at it and see if it is really that nice.

- to find that elusive biker jacket.. Found something close in the Hogan jacket but it's like 3k!! Ah.. I have been looking for it since secondary school, with the button across the neck, the metal zipper and the side pockets... haha.. If you find something like that, let me know k! oh.. and i only want it in black..

- a holiday.. hee.. I am greedy. I want to be travelling all the time...

Ottie.. I may consider that thing that you told me to try.. but i don't really know if they will accept me if a little one comes along... So we shall have to see how next year ah...

My 101th post! haha...

It's my 101th post! Haha... But i can't really bring myself to create a happy post. Maybe it is because the blog or the posts are a reflection of my feelings everytime i write an entry.

Many things and issues plagued me and my superior yesterday. It reached the point where we were so tired that we were about to throw our hands in the air and scream, "WE GIVE UP!" "We are not going to do it!" Especially when the people that are reluctant to offer their help keep creating problems and criticising the things that we do.

It's extremely ironic that they often say that our department is "EXTREMELY" important but the support that we receive is also the remainder. Everyone else gets the first cut and choice and we get the leftovers. But when something happens, we get the first blame!!! What the hell? Where's the justice in this? We get the worst materials but have to do the best job?!!! So to all those idiots all there, if you always say that we are very important, PROVE it don't just use that mouth to SAY it.

It's true of organizations similar to mine. Too complicated and those that are capable will keep having shit thrown at them.

Is work really just work?

Work is just work.. I heard my gal friends mention it twice today... I am trying to convince myself that that's how i should look at it too. But i know it is quite difficult for us.. There is an inner workaholic in all of us.. Haha.. Work has had quite an impact on my life this recent month.. I think it has affected my sleeping patterns, my mood and probably my level of patience and tolerance.

I 'shut down' at about 10 in the night and knock out in bed most of the time in 5-10 mins. However, my vampire tendencies will reveal themselves throughout the night...
In the past 1-2 weeks, i sit up in the middle of the night and although i am still asleep, i am aware that i am sitting up. Sometimes i stay and sleep sitting until i force myself to lie down and sleep.. This occurs even over the weekends! So irritating, i wake up tired and frustrated with myself...So i have developed a weird sleeping pattern and HS and Ottie say i am probably too stressed. Mr H even says i have the potential to sleep walk...

All i want is a goodnight's sleep..

Went to watch Sex and the City today... Hope we will end up like them, simply being there for each other, celebrating important moments, going through hard times together and simply looking back at all these wonderful memories when we celebrate our 50th birthday together...

Sick and miserable

It's back again.. Almost every weekend i will have a dripping nose and end up feling miserable. But the most irritating part of it all is that the dripping nose+raw throat+heavy head/headache will reach its peak during the weekends, especially saturday nights and magically disappear when i decide to see a doctor or when i reach monday and have to get back to work...

So sickening.. It's like a leech, stuck to me and always acting up.. Probably get it thrice a month or in all 4 weekends during the really really bad months.

Driving and sweet letters

There is no link between the two, just 2 things that are happening currently..

Finally driving more regularly after getting my license like 5 years ago. Still paranoid about losing my way even though i have GPS to help me. I must admit i actually feel more confident about the route when not using GPS. I get more frustrated when using it as i am always end up being misled by the instructions.

Road conditions and drivers are a litle shocking to me. I see huge trucks and lorries on the extreme right lane and speeding. The sticker on the back of their vehicle puts 60 but sometimes when i am travelling at the speed of 80-85km/h, i see these errant drivers or vehicles overtaking... I think the TP should concentrate more on catching these errant drivers that are travelling way beyond the road's or even their own vehicles' speed limit..

The stretch of road in front of Taka is like a huge road traffic accident waiting to happen. Lots of jaywalkers risking their lives to cross the road filled with fast moving vehicles rather than walk the extra steps to the nearest traffic light to cross safely. It's quite insane. If a vehicle were to knock into them, it's the fault of the driver. But! These pedestrians should also be held responsible for it too.. I think there shoule be barriers erected all along this busy road now as a precaution rather than as a knee jerk reaction (as with all things) in the future after something serious occurs..
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Letters have a strange way of warming hearts. Staying up late while i am fast asleep. Fast asleep when i am awake and going off to work. Leaving letters in my bag and uniform pockets. Telling white lies about accidentally dropping the notes in my bag so as to make me check my bag for the letters.. Simply written on paper taken from Holiday Inn but extremely heartwarming... Happy... :P

Over too soon

It is over before i realized it had begun. It felt like I was on the plane there one day and the return the flight the very next day. I didn't really have the opportunity to relish the idea of a holiday.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I did not enjoy the trip. On the contrary, I think time passed so quickly when we were having fun that we didn’t even realise it was over until we were on the flight back to Singapore.

It was fun chatting on the flight to and fro, shopping, going back to Platinum many times, walking quickly so as not to 'waste our youth' and just enjoying the beefy, fatty, buttery, sugary and garlicky goodness and even having the CMI hair wash.. Haha!

Although you did not foresee it happening, i am glad you had the opportunity to have the little conversation with her when we were in the toilet so as to let her know our feelings.

I hope next year comes soon so that we can start planning for our next trip. Hopefully, i would have picked up a little bit of Thai by then. Shall we look at the periods of May-July? I should be clearing leave then.. hee...

Cats and mice

Cats and mice, one of nature's arrangements that is so often mirrored in our everyday lives where some of us assume the roles of cats and have to keep the mice under control..

"When the cat is away, the mice comes out to play" Something that is said and heard by many. So why is it so hard to accept it as part of life?

A simple "Yeah" upon hearing the absence of the cat in the next few days.. Such a casual remark, intention undetermined but delivers a huge blow.

Although it should be accepted as part of life and people are always advising not to be bothered by it, but it is undeniable.

Celebration of a person's absence demoralizes them and leads to self reflection and self-doubt...

Guilty

I am so guilty.. guilty of neglecting the people around me.

It seems like i have been so caught up in my web of work that i have failed to observe the changes in my surroundings and updates in the gals' lives.. I only know of events about 2wks to a month after it has occured. Sorry, I haven't been a very good friend.. Sadly, it is highly possible that i have also neglected myself without even realising it.

I must admit the purple dress in warehouse was very pretty. The remark did spark a train of thoughts in my mind as we continue to update our similar lack of knowledge about the changes in Raffles City.. Haha...

It's quite true. I am probably someone that is afraid of failure and tends to choose the safer option. I would always choose black over colours that i am afraid may not look good on my skin. I chose the safer polytechnic route so that i would not have to worry about failing A' levels and having to face repeating JC or not being good enough to enter Uni. Similarly, i think i chose my current career path as it seemed like an iron rice bowl then.

How times have changed, the 'iron rice bowl' has deteriorated.

I was in phuket last week and it made me question what truly makes me happy. I pondered deeply for 2 days and it seemed like i had some emotional, physical and mental baggage. As i sat in the Banyan Tree library reading the latest Vogue, i was envious of the shiny, glittering, gorgeous and frivolous stuff that people had. But could they really add to my constant search for happiness?

As i sat by the pool reading "Shopaholic and Baby", i was content to be just slacking there.

I am probably having a case of "Working too hard and wanting too much".

Bangkok is 3 days away. But it's going to be shitty time before it arrives. I have to work tomorrow and am given off on monday which i won't be able to take due to a 10am meeting. Won't be able to take it on tuesday too as i have made arrangements to settle stores. Although i am on leave on wed, i have to go back to office for a morning meeting. Such similar situations we are in.

Just hope to be able to put down all my work and totally enjoy myself in BKK. *Fingers crossed* that no one from office calls.

It's still not enough

No matter how much i do, it is still not enough.

The original state was probably 1 or 2 on a scale of 10 for being organised. I have tried many methods and done various things to try and improve it. Yet, in the eyes of certain people, it is still insufficient.

Just not good enough. So draining and irritating.

1 yr and 2 months to go

Round the bush...... & back to the start point

Round and round the bush he goes... Spinning webs round and round all his poor students.

Everytime he says "Tips or format for exam or assignment", do not need to raise our expectations. Basically explaining the assignment = reading direct from the study guide.

Very BAd!

Every semester sure have one black sheep among the lecturers. This semester is no exception. Last sem was ST: Our dear JB would always ask the class, "What do you think about Sustainable Tourism?" If you ask her questions, she will tell you to read on your own. What a "FaBulous" lecturer she was!

This sem's is HR. Our dear GVN is also as "FaBulous". He scores 100/100 for self promotion and 0/100 for teaching the module's objectives. Everything covered does not even reflect the information in the textbook. I think teaching should be more than just mentioning the key words of the lecture and proceeding to gush about self-achievements.

So... Anyone who would like to study part time, please ask me about my "school" first. There are some things which are not explained when the program managers introduce to you the programs.

Solitude

Solitude is such a weird thing.

It makes you experience a variety of feelings all at the same time. Depending on your own mood, you can feel happy that you are finally on your own to have some peace. Yet, it can also make you feel alone and miserable that you have no one to accompany you. Solitude allows you to reflect on the surroundings you are in, try to prioritise your goals and most importantly it allows you to dream. Haha...

Today was only 24hrs of solitude but yet i was already feeling miserable about having to walk around alone. So what will happen if its months?

As i was walking around just now, i was reminded of a theory that people tend to buy more when on their own. Myabe this is true... :P

Same Same... Maybe even worse

I thought the initial feelings were the same as when i first moved to the new meadows and that they would subside after a few months.

I was wrong.

These feelings of despair and low morale seems set to stay. I dread waking up to go to work and look forward only to getting off work. I am involved in quite a big event this year and that is probably the only thing that is keeping me going. I just do not want to fail in doing that job right. I realised that one of my pet peeves is picking up the pieces. I hate having to take over stuff from the middle. Allowing me to start from the beginning of a project allows me to set the goals that i want for it and work to achieve it.

However, when i have to take over from someone and the surrounding spectators seem to have expectations that increases everytime they see you only serves to create more unhappiness.

I told some people this. This pile of shit that i have to clear is way larger than the previous pile. The most important factor? I had people that were willing to help me clear the previous pile. Here? I would thank the heavens if these people do not contribute to the already massive pile.

1 year and 4months to go... Endure....

The grass is greener...

The grass is greener on the meadows from which i was forced to vacate. Much much greener, the air was fresher, the environment more friendly.

Am i prejudiced and my judgment biased? Don't think so, afterall it's always the first impression that is the deepest. You could say I have not integrated myself to fit into the system and that is the reason for my negative thoughts. Yes and no... The grass in this meadow is dry, withering and growing in a disorganised order. I have not been able to determine the genuine friendliness of the fellow residents of the meadow. All i can say is that i am suddenly made aware of how blessed i was in the previous meadow.

There were trustworthy aides that i could depend on to guide me in the right direction. They were there to ensure that the others would not take advantage of the areas that i were unsure of and made sure i was aware of all the loopholes in the system. They helped to be the front line of defence so that if they failed, i could back them up for a more powerful defense. They made sure they helped to settle as much as they could so that i had a few less things to worry about. Who said most people just waste that particular 2 years away. These ones didn't. They came with the right mindset, attitude and most importantly initiative. They were unafraid of telling me that they too would occasionally break rules.

To these special people (Blabber10:you prob can guess the other 3-W, R & T): You will probably not read this, but i THANK YOU!. Thank you for providing me with the generous guidance when i was thrown to take over especially when you could have been skeptical, folded your arms and say,"Let's see how she copes". I thank you for not doing that. In addition, i wish you success in all you do k!

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It's amazing how walking alone in a shopping centre can clear your mind and thoughts for self-reflection. As i walked around Centrepoint for the umpteenth time before lesson started, i was suddenly aware of how therapeutic walking alone can be. It seemed like my life is a reflection of the way i was walking around the place.. Aimlessly.

I sit in my office everyday, not knowing what exactly i need to do, not knowing how to go about and start tackling the problems that are waiting to pounce upon me the moment i open the office door. It scares me. Scares the sh*t out of me. I thought last year's experience would come in handy for me and that if i could handle last year, i would at least be able to survive this. But i am sooo wrong. I count the hours in the day constantly, asking myself and checking my time to wonder why time is passing so slowly and suddenly 1 year feels like eternity. The environment and people truly are a factor in the way and speed that time passes.

The evils of men

I think it stings when the people you think you can trust talk bad, gossip and spread evil lies about you when you have helped them with their load. They are evil in the way that they do not tell you directly what they don't like about you but go around the world poisoning the way people look at you.

I think he could interpret it as jealousy so as to comfort himself. Jealous that he went on a 2 week holiday and left them to work. But the key thing here is he didn't leave rubbish or shit for them to clear which is quite rampant in the organisation. He left with everything in order but i guess people are always alert to the bad and blind to the good. They are probably jealous that he will be leaving the rotten organisation soon and leaving them to wallow in their self pity mode.. Haha!

He says he is not affected by it but sometimes he does give himself away when he says he is sian with work. It is not the work that affects him, its the people and their attitdues which are totally uncalled for. Am i being biased? Nope. I am not physically present but i do have a rough knowledge of what is going on.

So in summary, i can only only advise 'you' this. Hold your head up and back straight. You have done nothing wrong and will be able to withstand all the dirty looks and tricks that petty people throw at you. Take this as a motivation for you to succeed and flaunt your success in their faces.

Gambatte ne!