Over too soon

It is over before i realized it had begun. It felt like I was on the plane there one day and the return the flight the very next day. I didn't really have the opportunity to relish the idea of a holiday.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I did not enjoy the trip. On the contrary, I think time passed so quickly when we were having fun that we didn’t even realise it was over until we were on the flight back to Singapore.

It was fun chatting on the flight to and fro, shopping, going back to Platinum many times, walking quickly so as not to 'waste our youth' and just enjoying the beefy, fatty, buttery, sugary and garlicky goodness and even having the CMI hair wash.. Haha!

Although you did not foresee it happening, i am glad you had the opportunity to have the little conversation with her when we were in the toilet so as to let her know our feelings.

I hope next year comes soon so that we can start planning for our next trip. Hopefully, i would have picked up a little bit of Thai by then. Shall we look at the periods of May-July? I should be clearing leave then.. hee...

Cats and mice

Cats and mice, one of nature's arrangements that is so often mirrored in our everyday lives where some of us assume the roles of cats and have to keep the mice under control..

"When the cat is away, the mice comes out to play" Something that is said and heard by many. So why is it so hard to accept it as part of life?

A simple "Yeah" upon hearing the absence of the cat in the next few days.. Such a casual remark, intention undetermined but delivers a huge blow.

Although it should be accepted as part of life and people are always advising not to be bothered by it, but it is undeniable.

Celebration of a person's absence demoralizes them and leads to self reflection and self-doubt...

Guilty

I am so guilty.. guilty of neglecting the people around me.

It seems like i have been so caught up in my web of work that i have failed to observe the changes in my surroundings and updates in the gals' lives.. I only know of events about 2wks to a month after it has occured. Sorry, I haven't been a very good friend.. Sadly, it is highly possible that i have also neglected myself without even realising it.

I must admit the purple dress in warehouse was very pretty. The remark did spark a train of thoughts in my mind as we continue to update our similar lack of knowledge about the changes in Raffles City.. Haha...

It's quite true. I am probably someone that is afraid of failure and tends to choose the safer option. I would always choose black over colours that i am afraid may not look good on my skin. I chose the safer polytechnic route so that i would not have to worry about failing A' levels and having to face repeating JC or not being good enough to enter Uni. Similarly, i think i chose my current career path as it seemed like an iron rice bowl then.

How times have changed, the 'iron rice bowl' has deteriorated.

I was in phuket last week and it made me question what truly makes me happy. I pondered deeply for 2 days and it seemed like i had some emotional, physical and mental baggage. As i sat in the Banyan Tree library reading the latest Vogue, i was envious of the shiny, glittering, gorgeous and frivolous stuff that people had. But could they really add to my constant search for happiness?

As i sat by the pool reading "Shopaholic and Baby", i was content to be just slacking there.

I am probably having a case of "Working too hard and wanting too much".

Bangkok is 3 days away. But it's going to be shitty time before it arrives. I have to work tomorrow and am given off on monday which i won't be able to take due to a 10am meeting. Won't be able to take it on tuesday too as i have made arrangements to settle stores. Although i am on leave on wed, i have to go back to office for a morning meeting. Such similar situations we are in.

Just hope to be able to put down all my work and totally enjoy myself in BKK. *Fingers crossed* that no one from office calls.

It's still not enough

No matter how much i do, it is still not enough.

The original state was probably 1 or 2 on a scale of 10 for being organised. I have tried many methods and done various things to try and improve it. Yet, in the eyes of certain people, it is still insufficient.

Just not good enough. So draining and irritating.

1 yr and 2 months to go

Round the bush...... & back to the start point

Round and round the bush he goes... Spinning webs round and round all his poor students.

Everytime he says "Tips or format for exam or assignment", do not need to raise our expectations. Basically explaining the assignment = reading direct from the study guide.

Very BAd!

Every semester sure have one black sheep among the lecturers. This semester is no exception. Last sem was ST: Our dear JB would always ask the class, "What do you think about Sustainable Tourism?" If you ask her questions, she will tell you to read on your own. What a "FaBulous" lecturer she was!

This sem's is HR. Our dear GVN is also as "FaBulous". He scores 100/100 for self promotion and 0/100 for teaching the module's objectives. Everything covered does not even reflect the information in the textbook. I think teaching should be more than just mentioning the key words of the lecture and proceeding to gush about self-achievements.

So... Anyone who would like to study part time, please ask me about my "school" first. There are some things which are not explained when the program managers introduce to you the programs.

Solitude

Solitude is such a weird thing.

It makes you experience a variety of feelings all at the same time. Depending on your own mood, you can feel happy that you are finally on your own to have some peace. Yet, it can also make you feel alone and miserable that you have no one to accompany you. Solitude allows you to reflect on the surroundings you are in, try to prioritise your goals and most importantly it allows you to dream. Haha...

Today was only 24hrs of solitude but yet i was already feeling miserable about having to walk around alone. So what will happen if its months?

As i was walking around just now, i was reminded of a theory that people tend to buy more when on their own. Myabe this is true... :P

Same Same... Maybe even worse

I thought the initial feelings were the same as when i first moved to the new meadows and that they would subside after a few months.

I was wrong.

These feelings of despair and low morale seems set to stay. I dread waking up to go to work and look forward only to getting off work. I am involved in quite a big event this year and that is probably the only thing that is keeping me going. I just do not want to fail in doing that job right. I realised that one of my pet peeves is picking up the pieces. I hate having to take over stuff from the middle. Allowing me to start from the beginning of a project allows me to set the goals that i want for it and work to achieve it.

However, when i have to take over from someone and the surrounding spectators seem to have expectations that increases everytime they see you only serves to create more unhappiness.

I told some people this. This pile of shit that i have to clear is way larger than the previous pile. The most important factor? I had people that were willing to help me clear the previous pile. Here? I would thank the heavens if these people do not contribute to the already massive pile.

1 year and 4months to go... Endure....

The grass is greener...

The grass is greener on the meadows from which i was forced to vacate. Much much greener, the air was fresher, the environment more friendly.

Am i prejudiced and my judgment biased? Don't think so, afterall it's always the first impression that is the deepest. You could say I have not integrated myself to fit into the system and that is the reason for my negative thoughts. Yes and no... The grass in this meadow is dry, withering and growing in a disorganised order. I have not been able to determine the genuine friendliness of the fellow residents of the meadow. All i can say is that i am suddenly made aware of how blessed i was in the previous meadow.

There were trustworthy aides that i could depend on to guide me in the right direction. They were there to ensure that the others would not take advantage of the areas that i were unsure of and made sure i was aware of all the loopholes in the system. They helped to be the front line of defence so that if they failed, i could back them up for a more powerful defense. They made sure they helped to settle as much as they could so that i had a few less things to worry about. Who said most people just waste that particular 2 years away. These ones didn't. They came with the right mindset, attitude and most importantly initiative. They were unafraid of telling me that they too would occasionally break rules.

To these special people (Blabber10:you prob can guess the other 3-W, R & T): You will probably not read this, but i THANK YOU!. Thank you for providing me with the generous guidance when i was thrown to take over especially when you could have been skeptical, folded your arms and say,"Let's see how she copes". I thank you for not doing that. In addition, i wish you success in all you do k!

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It's amazing how walking alone in a shopping centre can clear your mind and thoughts for self-reflection. As i walked around Centrepoint for the umpteenth time before lesson started, i was suddenly aware of how therapeutic walking alone can be. It seemed like my life is a reflection of the way i was walking around the place.. Aimlessly.

I sit in my office everyday, not knowing what exactly i need to do, not knowing how to go about and start tackling the problems that are waiting to pounce upon me the moment i open the office door. It scares me. Scares the sh*t out of me. I thought last year's experience would come in handy for me and that if i could handle last year, i would at least be able to survive this. But i am sooo wrong. I count the hours in the day constantly, asking myself and checking my time to wonder why time is passing so slowly and suddenly 1 year feels like eternity. The environment and people truly are a factor in the way and speed that time passes.

The evils of men

I think it stings when the people you think you can trust talk bad, gossip and spread evil lies about you when you have helped them with their load. They are evil in the way that they do not tell you directly what they don't like about you but go around the world poisoning the way people look at you.

I think he could interpret it as jealousy so as to comfort himself. Jealous that he went on a 2 week holiday and left them to work. But the key thing here is he didn't leave rubbish or shit for them to clear which is quite rampant in the organisation. He left with everything in order but i guess people are always alert to the bad and blind to the good. They are probably jealous that he will be leaving the rotten organisation soon and leaving them to wallow in their self pity mode.. Haha!

He says he is not affected by it but sometimes he does give himself away when he says he is sian with work. It is not the work that affects him, its the people and their attitdues which are totally uncalled for. Am i being biased? Nope. I am not physically present but i do have a rough knowledge of what is going on.

So in summary, i can only only advise 'you' this. Hold your head up and back straight. You have done nothing wrong and will be able to withstand all the dirty looks and tricks that petty people throw at you. Take this as a motivation for you to succeed and flaunt your success in their faces.

Gambatte ne!

I know i know

I know... Was supposed to update with the details of that day and show the pictures. But i really haven't had the time with the shifting to the new unit after returning from holiday. We have collected the photos and the dvd.... For those who haven't seen either.. Sorry! We will arrange a day for you to see it k?

Anyway the day went quite smoothly. Of course, there was the sabo session in the morning. He had to first brush his teeth with wasabi, rinse his mouth with apple vinegar, eat ice-cream within a certain timing, had his leg waxed, form my name with red beans picked out with his mouth and pop balloons to find the right key to open the lock... Haha!

Check out the toothbrushes with the wasabi below... Looks quite gross ah...


But i think they had quite a good time as the wasabi would have provided a good wake up call for the sleepy heads.. They were given apple vinegar to rinse their mouths but Ah Boon ended up drinking it to wash down the wasabi while the rest spat it out.. Haha!







Check out my name in red beans. He had to pick out the red beans from a tray containing both red and green beans... Very sweet!


The poor 'brothers' had heart-shaped wax strips ripping off portions of their leg hair.. Hahaha! Oilbear regretted not shaving all his hair away the night before. But at least they managed to fill their hungry tummies with the ice cream that they had to finish. They even held my cousin hostage so that he could help to eat. (My cousin was stuck outside as he had to open the car door earlier.. hee.. poor guy).





I must admit i sabo-ed HS as i did tell my friends that he was afraid of balloons. Anyway his last task was to burst the balloons to find the correct key to open the door.













Anyway he finally managed to get past the door and get to my room.. haha.. See his relieved face?..Then the day continue with the tea ceremony in both houses which may not be that interesting.. haha..



Anyway thought i could sleep in the room for a while before getting ready for the dinner. But by the time i remove my 'face' and washed my hair, there was only enough time for me to blow dry my hair and sit around before the make-up artist came again.. So i ended watching her prepare my ''original ma and new ma''(quoted from HS) for the dinner. Poor Oilbear, he was so tired but too polite to rest on the bed that he ended up sitting at a corner to close his eyes to catch some rest. We still have to thank him as he ran around for us a lot so we didn't have to worry about all things... MR Oil, THANK YOU AH! :P





We were very disppointed with the guest book that GWP hotel provided. It would seem reasonable to have a high expectation of a hotel that has a considerable reputation. But the guestbook that they provided seemed more like a primary school jotter bok or exercise book. It had LINES!!!! It was smaller than those A3 kind.. Very disappointing. But but but.... that wasn't the worst thing that happen...





A waitress tripped over the train of my gown, dropped a glass which spilled orange all over HS who was wearing WHITE! and ran off without apologising!... You should have seen HS's face... Black.... Very black.. It's ironic ah. Of all the people present, she spilt a drink on the one person who was one of the most important person that night.. The drink also ended up on Ottie and i also had to dust my train for glass pieces....


What made HS furious was that she ran away and hid without apologising. The other staff ended up scrambling to find a replacement for HS's white pants but they ended up only finding a brown pair which HS refused.. Duh.. They even suggested that he changed into his second suit which we flatly refused. In the end, they had to cover the stain with powder so that it would not be obvious..





Maybe it can also be considered a blessing in disguise. The staff were SUPER attentive to us after the spill. It was a little amusing as they would come and ask us if we wanted anything when all we did was sit up straight. We actually considered complaining after the dinner but we decided against it as what matter was that the food was good, our guests had enough to eat and they had a good time. So... in the end, although there were hiccups, when we sat in the room eating our food and reflected on the day, it was all good.. haha!


Check out my crazy hair after the wedding dinner as we sat having our long awaited dinner in the hotel room. I removed all the pins in my hair but it sort of just stayed in place with all the hair spray that was used. I actually had to wash my hair thrice to ensure it was clean..




It was very memorable ah.. I still dream about it and think about it when i sleep at night..We have watched the dvd multiple times but still end up laughing at the funny parts and we discover new things in the video with everytime we watch it...

Do i wish to relive that day?.. A bit.. hee.. But i probably wouldnt want to change anything about that day as it contributes to the sweet memories of it.. :)

Not yet

Nope, this is not the long post about the actual day and the holiday that followed after this. However, this is a rambling about the severe lack of space that i have to face. Not enough storage space for lots of stuff. Maybe have to seek consolation that i have an entire room to store stuff in another house.

Looking forward to having a place to call my own, to not have to constantly rearrange stuff in the wardrobe just to squeeze more stuff in to keep it out of view.

==================================================================

It was nice having that 'talk session' yesterday. It has been a really long time since we last did that. It was really nice that it was unplanned but really heartwarming. We should really look at going away over the weekend. If 4 can't make it, shall we just go as 2?

The day before..

Tomorrow is the big day. The day that we have been preparing for since last year. All the hard work, meetings with the coordinator, planning of tables, inviting people etc. Many many things to be done.

As i sit at my computer to type this entry, i feel more of disappointment and disgust at the people around me. People that i have to refer to as relatives. Disappointment and disgust that a person can go entertain his siblings on the day before his daughter's wedding. Although it has been told to the faces that siblings take priority over the wife and kid, but i guess actions add salt to wounds. I could also say it is like stabbing someone. It is extremely exasperating when people take things too personally and are unable to separate issues that do not belong together.

The knife goes even deeper when a dad can compare his kid to his nieces and nephews and prefers them because they don't talk back. I guess that is a very valid basis for comparison. I must say the kid must be experiencing great warmth in her heart. The kid was once questioned,"Is that how you speak to your parents?", but held her tongue from rebutting,"In what way and area do you consider that you have fulfilled your duty as a parent?" In the "i take but don't give way"? Or the "Although i earn the most in the family and am head of the family, but i don't want to pay for household allowances way"?

Relatives can be real bitches. Bitches that use underhand methods to ensure people's happiness are ruined or sabotaged. However, what these bitches do not realize is their actions serve to only magnify their pettiness and childish attempts. Bitches that seek and live to only comment on others but have absolutely no f***king idea what is going on before they open their big and smelly orifice. Time will tell if their plentiful comments apply to themselves too. The best part, when people with weak opinions listen to them and is totally incapable of forming their own opinions, decisions, judgement and follows blindly without considering consequences or feelings. Bitches that seek to spread vicious and false comments about others in a bid to make everyone's life harder and increase the number of people that curse them daily.

"Blood is thicker than water"
Is it? I think in certain families, it is. It exists in some families, definitely not all. It is truly heartwarming to see close-knitted families.

After getting all the above off of my chest, i shall look forward to tomorrow. It will be a step to a new beginning in my life and a form of escape from unhappiness. It might break your heart to read this but i encourage you to get out of the stuffy house too. Relive and rediscover your youth that was taken away by marriage.

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I guarantee you the next post will be a happy one. I shall try to post the happenings and photos. But in the meantime wait patiently for my return on the 15th. Tata..

Tomorrow, I shall be Mrs Huang legally and traditionally...

Disgust!

A man that does not keep his word does not deserve to be treated or respected as a man.

Reflections

It is less than a week to the end of the year. It is also less than a week to the biggest day of my life so far.

Preparations are almost ready. Left a few outstanding things such as music, tables and packing the luggage for the holiday. Seems like a mad rush for everything. Hope when we look back, we do not regret and see something that we could have done better.

Am I in the best shape to get married? Don't really think so, think i put on weight since last november. Horror! Shouldn't i be losing weight to look good? haha... What to do. It's way too late for that.

This past year has been a really eventful one. New unit at the beginning of the year. New responsiblities that had to be taken over in April which allowed me to see the beauty of people that were willing and took initiative to help me in my difficult times. New personnel taking over in the later months of the year has also exposed me to the different ideas and concepts.

When i come back from my holiday and report to work on 18th Jan, I will be preparing to go to another unit again. My adventure at a new unit will begin on 22nd Jan. Again, I am moving. It can be seen as a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because tensions are building due to differences in ideas and it is better that i go over to the new place while the person is still there so i can learn everything. It can be a bad thing as i am very comfortable in this place now and i have to leave my 'safety net' after all the effort to understand the system in that location.

Do i need to make resolutions for 2008? Nah, don't think so. They probably come together with all the new challenges that await me.

Busy, a tinge of disappointment, long leave, worry & wedding...

In that order, things are happening. My busy schedule is coming to an end after this week. Exams on tues, thurs and sat. I still have to rush down to work after my exams on sat. The only thing that is driving me is the start of my leave on 17th. It's good coz i will be on leave from 17th Dec all the way to next year 17 Jan. So that's an entire month of rest.

Think i deserved it after suffering through the year.

Disappointment? Just a little..

Worry, wedding- i only have 2 weeks to settle things. Do we have enough time? Will we forget anything? Will we look back, regret and wish we did it better or differently?

Immature?

Can i consider myself as maturing? Or am i maturing in looks and age but not in wisdom?

I look at my own feelings and blush at the immaturity of it.. I am unhappy as people are changing the outlook of things that i was once proud of.. But what right do i have to even be affected. That is their job.. I cringe at the level of immaturity present...

What makes a person mature? Is it through failures and exposure?

Maybe i am just a green frog in a green well.

Free! I hope....

Haha... I have handed over!... although it is unofficial as we haven't signed the document, but i have handed all signing responsibilities and all power and matters to him. Yippeee!!!! My shoulders feel free now... feel a bit lighter..

I must admit i was tempted to give them a taste of what i suffered and hand over on the last minute then disappear and let them sort it out on their own. But in the end, my kind little heart wouldn't allow me to do so.. (yes yes, you may puke upon reading this). Seriously, i think it is unfair to them too, like how it was unfair to me.. but what could i do then? Endure ah.. So i do think that in some ways, they are luckier than me. They are recognised as filling up the position that is created for them while i was just a substitute and they have time to learn or associate themselves before having to make decisions and be responsible for the acts and welfare of people under you.

Proper handing over also ensures that they will not be able to complain that i left rubbish for them to clear. heh heh.. If they still do complain, then so be it.. Can't really please everyone, can I?

Now, when i look at the place from an 'outsider's' point of view, i reflect and wonder if i did a decent enough job. I am not looking for perfection, just wondering if it was good enough or better than before. On days that i feel confident, i think it was good enough. On days filled with self-doubt in addition to seeing the long list that they have come up with to improve things around the place, i don't feel that certain after all.

For now.. I am contented to hide in my little corner and answer queries when necessary. I am going back to basics.. feels good...

Time no enough

24 hours is insufficient, really insufficient.

I am frustrated by the severe lack of time. Lack of time to do proper research for proj. Frustrated that every free time i have is spent on trying to rush the numerous projects dumped on us. Very frustrated that we are not provided with clear directions for the projects and that we have to waste lots of time just to figure the bloody proj out.

Lack of time: applies to work too. Frustration is further impounded by the fact that the personnel taking over me are already sitting in my office and shifting things around before i even move out of it. Is it just over sensitivity on my part? why do i feel so offended by that gesture? Busy preparing the documents for handing over so that i can free myself from the burdens that have been on my shoulders since april.

Lack of time to pamper me. The big day is less than 3 months away. No facial or pampering session in sight. Neither can i plan or arrange for them as i am either busy with work or the bloody projects. The only time that i wil be free is 2 weeks away from the actual day. When i read the forums, people take their preparations really seriously, starting everything 1 year in advance.

Sucks big time, trying to juggle work, studies, wedding and renovating 1 room. Imagine if it was an entire house!

Smile!...

It's been a long long time since my last post.. Been really busy... projects, the uncertainty of work location, photo taking for the wedding...



The photo taking has finally concluded... I must say it has been fun, really fun! Honestly, I wasn't very keen when he told me about the underwater idea. It was really hard work... i think 70-80% of the pictures taken didn't turn out very well so hope the remainder are good.

I think we were fortunate to be advised to split the thing into 2 parts as my eyes threatened to close on the way to the shop for the studio shoot. Lucky we did not have to worry about lasting til the outdoor shoot... The studio was really fun as i was messing around with the props. It is amazing the effects that can be achieved just by playing around with the angles.

Outdoor shoot: Weird but fun experience. Had people staring at us, some in a good way, some in a weird way...

But overall, it was a memorable experience... Very memorable.. just waiting for next tuesday to see the results...

Blind to the Good. Alert to the Bad

Blind to the good.. Seems like a common ailment of most superiors or bosses. They tend to be ignorant of the good that their subordinates have done and lack in giving credit or recognition to the people that have worked their asses off.

Alert to the bad.. Again, a common phenomenon in bosses and superiors. They keep silent when you work hard and do all the right things. But the very moment you deviate from the norm or do something that is 'not allowed', they will 'politely' highlight to you that they are not happy.

An example:

A subordinate joins in the weekly run which is held every Wednesday, without fail. The only time he/she doesn't go is when that person is on leave, on course or on off.

Today, the subordinate feels uncomfortable and has a severe headache that doesn't subside despite popping a Panadol and chooses to walk instead of run. The boss sees and immediately passes a remark that the person should be running due to the title of his/her job. When the subordinate replies that no matter what the title is, the person is having a headache and the boss says,"Alamak, how can like that..."

I put myself into the person's shoes and feel the pain and anger. Pain from the headache and anger from being subtly told off... So is the person not supposed to be sick and be strong like a robot at all times? Or is it people simply don't care that he/she falls sick? Sucks eh?

Am i like the common boss out there that also is blind to the good and alert to the bad?