Miffed... A little...

Jealous.. a little.. I say aloud I don't want anything and i know i don't want anything too.. BUT i am a little jealous when i see people preparing because i know there is no preparation on his part..

Was hopeful... a little.. A small voice from within was a little jealous seeing the box of chocolates..

They told me they wanted to see the watch that i was eyeing for so long on my wrist after yesterday. I told them,"Na, it probably won't happened." Then they told me to go buy it myself and claim.. haha.. So cute but so very friendly and nice to me even though i haven't known them for a long time.... No scandals k? .... unlike a certain someone in blue that i know... hehehe.. yup.. it's you 'maam'...

You tell me you want everyday to be special and good and not just a particular day. So does that mean I can use anyday as an excuse to expect a little gift from you? :P

============
Anyway i was so busy on the road to self-destruction the past few days that i missed out very important signals from people around me.

Some people do really believe in me. I thank you for the belief you have placed in me and continue to place in me even when i am the peak of my self-doubt. Thank you for believing and loving me. You and you should know you are k? A gal in blue and a guy in green.

However, i am still looking forward to the day that i can rest for a few days in a row without feeling guilty. Haha.. i am not going to elaborate about the event that will result in the rest lest all of you out there scold me for being mad... haha

weird

It's irritating.... Very...

I fall sick but yet not sick enough to collapse. My body is just so damn bloody strong. It always has to recover just before i see a doc. If i did collapse, then i wouldn't have to listen to people suspecting that i was just using sick as an excuse.. I woke up feeling feverish and having half my voice gone. BUT when i nearing the place to take bus to work, it started to clear up. I went to see a doctor. BUT as usual, i was almost 70% well with a massive headache and very congested throat. Now i feel like i have a fire burning inside.. My neck and tummy feels hot but the thermometer tells me i have no fever...

I think i am weird. I want to get help for myself. But yet when people ask me, i am unable to express myself. So in the end, the true situation is not known... Stupid idiot.

Vince... I hope you didn't think i was psycho. But those are really my true thoughts and feelings.

Ottie.. Hope you are enjoying your day.. I am sure the bees are hard at work.. i am still waiting for your email.. Maybe i will write you one too... together with the reply.

Shirl.. I am glad that you liked the perfume... About the 3rd day of CNY, i confirm with you again k,,,

Nana... Thanks for helping to be the one handling all our purchases from Gojane.. Love ya...

Nearly....

I nearly fainted on the bus yesterday. I think it was the combination of me feeling really lousy and the stuffy bus.
I thank the lady who saw me swaying and got up to offer me her seat. It may have been her stop or maybe she was just giving her seat to me.. I thank you.

I think it was the combination of really spicy food from food court for lunch, corn soup+mixed grill+root beer float from Billy bombers that really upsetted my tummy.. I ended up waking at 1 plus last last night throwing up and went back to sleep still feeling nauseous. When i woke up yesterday morning, my whole body was aching and i didn't dare to consume any food or liquid for fear that it would be wasted. Felt really lousy, thankfully i only had to endure for half a day, i went home to rest after the test ended. I nearly fainted when walking to the bus interchange.. After sleeping at home, i awoke with fever.. But i still went to meet my ma to do some shopping at This Fashion.. Haha.. Ottie dear, i think you will be pleased that i have finally bought myself jeans that are not 'lau lau'...

Never really felt so sick. I know some of you might find it a bit weird, i was a bit happy to be sick.. Coz i was just telling him that day that i wouldn't mind collapsing so that i could take a few days rest without feeling guilty. Hahaha... okok... don't scold me k...

I ate KFC for dinner and i thought it would make me so sick that i wouldn't be able to go to work today. But i was wrong. The potent combination of herbal tea taken together with Yin qiao tablets allowed me to go to work today with nothing more than a sore throat.. Power ah? So i guess the collapsing from exhaustion will have to wait for another time...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I admire you.

- You who knew from young that you wanted to be a policeman. And you have worked your way through all the obstacles so that you can now proudly tell people," I wanted to do this since i was a little boy and now i am successful."

- You who knew that you wanted to be a pilot even though you gave up the idea when you became short sighted. But when i ask you now, what you want to be, your answer is still a pilot.

- You who knew that you either wanted to be a nun or something along the line so that you could 'save the world'. You are now going for training soon to be some form of world saviour. :p

- You who always knew you would be in the PR or marketing line. You who have the talent and natural ability to socialise well with people and speak with confidence even though you sometimes say things too quickly.

I admire you..

A speck of dust

A speck of dust...

Small. Insignificant. No function. No purpose. No ambition.
It's only contribution to the society is to create jobs for people and headaches for others.
No one knows when it appears and when it disappears. Most people are oblivious to it.
It's lost. It takes the direction of the wind that carries it within.

This is me.

Ridiculous....

The increasing prices and the decreasing square areas are really quite irritating. In some ways, they are the main factors why people may resort to queueing for stuff even there are no official notices about the sale of it. The desperation of people to take leave to queue based on speculation just shows 2 things:

-LOTS of people want it

-There are not enough to go around because the new ones are expensive, small and basically reminds them of squatters..... Haiz... What to do? Join in the madness or just sit and wait patiently for our turn? Will we miss the turn if we do not join in the madness?

=====

Dictatorship sucks... Especially the dictators that are lazy, always not around and claim credit for others' efforts. Basically they just spoil the day for the people around them. Don't underestimate others. Don't find fault with things people do even though it is not exactly the way you want it, you lose respect.

=====

To my dear ma-dam: It sounds like there are loads of people taking really good care of you. That's good! I also want!!.... But the hidden meanings and the flowery language in your posts are causing people to worry and misunderstand.. so 'my friend' is really concerned. So reply his sms k? Hee...

Temptations....

Temptations are coming at me again.. Haiz...

Have you wondered why you are attracted to the beautiful advertisements in the magazines that lure you to covet the latest stuff? And that you are attracted to it even though you know that when you don't get it, you will be filled with disappointment and even compare yourself with those that do? The human brain is weird ah... I guess my brain is weird... I shall work to getting the stuff on my wishlist... haha.. one by one.. Shall find excuses to reward myself.. heh heh...

Anyway sometimes it feels good to just escape the place that you dread... you fill like there's fresh air and you are not trapped in the small space... I learnt a lesson in emotion management today. No matter what, i shall try to maintain an emotionless face and try my very best to be diplomatic. Help me k? Especially those who know how difficult it is for me to keep my emotions in check.. Hahaha....

Tired of surprises

I am tired... Tired of handling surprises that spring onto me at the last minute and expect me to solve them. Why can't you do it? Since it was originally your surprises? I like surprise, but not this type of surprises.

Am i a good listener? Do i convince you when i talk? Or do you just feel incessant grating on your ears when i talk? Do i seem like a stupid person when i talk? That i say things without processing them through my brain first? I hope i am able to convince you to change for the better, especially when people think i am capable of it.. The burden of other people's expectations...

To psycho magnet: what is making you think of throwing in the towel? What towel do you want to throw in? Anyway as the date draws closer, i hope you are prepared and ready for the hardwork and loads of fun that comes along with it. JIA YOU K!!!!!

The four of us shall go take crazy neoprints and spend lots of time decorating it together k? Then we can also update each other on our lives... *HUGZ*

It's getting out of control

2 chipmunks are very intent on hiding their nuts... Too intent. Hiding their nuts all over the place. They are afraid to let the other chipmunk know how many nuts they have already gathered. Often bluffing about the number, i don't know why. There is so much suspicion in the air..Tension.. But hopefully when someday something happens and they are required to pool their resources but are unable to find their nuts, I sincerely pray they will be spared the "I told you so!".....
Hopefully they will realise the folly of their actions before it is too late and it reaches a point where there is no return.

Hoping... really hoping they stop all these nonsense.

Running

You are running away... No one attempts to catch you, they just talk about you behind your back and try to survive. When your shit hits the fan, you are safely hiding somewhere while the rest hit by it clear up the mess and try to freshen up the room.

I hope you feel happy about it. Maybe you feel guilty but guess what? I don't think so..

You are so elusive, i think i should buy the lottery when i finally get the chance to have a proper conversation with you especially when you keep saying we should talk soon..

=========================================================

It's been a long time since my last entry. Still trying to keep up with things, the learning doesn't stop. Someone asked me the other day, " your training still going on ah?" Yup, it is, it is like a degree programme.. Lots of modules and some of the modules are hidden, you have to make mistakes before they surface and teach you the right things...

I know i sometimes contradict myself, i told you we will strive together to be Pinky and the Brain, but the very next day, i "su-ku" to you. Haha... maybe retail therapy really works. I should do it more often, after all i am always getting stuff for other people but i seldom reward myself.... Haha...Weird...

Anyway my exams are comin... *Fainting*... Hopefully i can pass or just scrape through... The competitor and perfectionist in me is warning me that i will be greatly disappointed if i fall short of my own expectations even though i won't admit to anyone, not even myself.

*Fingers crossed*

why?.... Very puzzled..

I am puzzled by human behaviour.. How can people so be obnoxious, selfish and noisy? How are they able to make loads of noise and yet not feel guilty about breaking other people's concentration? Selfish enough to make noise when people are presenting... Haiz.. I think human behaviour analysis is really tough....

How can people be so blind to things that are so obvious? Is it the genetic composition that makes a certain gender less sensitive to obvious signs or hints? Maybe i will slowly learn to accept this and not allow myself to be disappointed by it...

Don't ask me something which you already know the answer to... The least you can do is learn to read the signs... Isn't that one of your talents?

I will survive.. I have survived 7 days... Sometimes i feel suffocated and laden by the responsibilities that are slowly coming to rest on my shoulders. Sometimes i wonder, "Why me?" Other times i think," I made the choice, i live with the consequences." When i feel beaten, i wonder if i will ever be able to find something that i have confidence in doing, or will i be a lost soul and a good for nothing forever.

I am tired... Very..
Haven't had time to really sit down and listen to my own thoughts...

Please give me strength and endurance...

I lost my voice...

I lost my voice... my throat feels raw. BUT it was all worth it!!! Haha... screaming and singing at the EASON CHAN concert... Very worth it!! hee.. Mr huang bought tickets that allowed us to sit just 3 rows from the stage. Shiok man!!! When i first walked into the hall, i was a bit skeptical... All the chairs were just placed there.. It didn't seem like it was going to be a good concert, i was also worried that i screamed, i would be viewed as alien.... But i was SO wrong..Compared to some of the other people there, i was considered subdued. Haha...

The concert was just FANTASTIC!!!! GREAT!!! Damn Good!!! hee... Saw his wife and daughter too... Cute!!... There were some songs that i didn't really know but it was still such a good experience...The stage was very simple... Unlike in the advert where they showed him dancing... BUT his energy level is super HIGH!!! He was jumping all over the stage while singing but yet he didn't seem breathless at all.. When he sang the slow songs, you could just feel all the emotions and everyone focusing on him. I want to go to his concert again!!!! Hopefully the next time i can go Hongkong to see him perform... *Fingers crossed*

Only regret is that i didn't bring camera and light sticks..Slightly disappointed. On the back of the ticket, it said that photography and all that were not allowed, so i didn't bring. But people brought and were allowed to bring it in... Haiz.. If only i knew.. Then i can post some pics here...

I want to go again!!!!

Reality check...

It is 3 days to a new year where i will be going to a new area... Will have to adapt a new working environment and adopt a different role..Had been doing instructional role for the past 2 plus year, from 2007 will be doing a management role...

As i prepare and plan for the next year, there are things that i am considering. I know that my little dream of dancing is not going to happen.. haha... Next year will be hectic.. Work then rushing to starhub centre for studies, preparing for the dinner at the end of the year. So yup, there probably won't be time to squeeze in anything else. Even if i had, i probably won't be able to concentrate too..

Think time will pass very quickly next year.. Time flies when you are busy. Somehow i am looking forward to 2008 already. Looking forward to graduation coz that means that i can see the road to freedom..

2008... Long way from now... but worries have come early.. doubts too.. Will i be competent enough for the new responsibilities that i will assume? Will i be resentful if i look back and regret the times when i didn't make full use of the freedom? Will i be good enough? Will i end up like people around me, resented for their absence during the early years?

I did it.. haha.. somehow...

I did it... I managed to finish cooking the dishes at the same time he finished his.. I did fried cheese sticks, bruschetta and cream of broccoli soup.. haha.. There was a lot of cutting and toasting and rolling.. I think the maid must have been silently screaming! haha... She had to wash the blender over and over again coz i kept using after she washed it. The soup was quite easy to make.. The bruschetta too.. The cheese sticks were the most labour-intensive..I had to toast slices of bread and blend them to make the breadcrumbs. Then had to mix 2 types of flour which thankfully i had help with. Then beat eggs and mix with water.. Then i had to roll the mozareela sticks in flour followed by egg then breadcrumbs,egg again then lastly breadcrumbs again.. Guess what? I had not enough breadcrumbs, so while i was struggling to roll the cheese, i also had to toast and season breadcrumbs again...BUSY!!!! Lucky i started the soup quite early so i managed to finish 1 dish and just keep it warm.

I had help with the bruschetta too... Thank you thank you.. haha..In the end i still had some leaky cheese sticks.. :(. The cheese was not really melted in a few of the non-leaky ones.. But at least i had a few that were non-leaky and had stretchy cheese when bitten into... YIPPPEE!! Achievement liao.. Haha... considering that i was referring to the recipes all the time..They said it was nice. Yeah!! Happy!!

I cooked the exact same dishes for my parents the next day.. Haiz... this time i didn't have to refer to the recipes. The cheese sticks had really melted cheese... I know because this time MOST of the sticks were leaky! Sian!.. I even ended up with an empty one, because all the cheese had leaked while cooking.. So i guess if i am ever going to make it again, i shall prepare LOts of breadcrumbs..

Thank you for tha last minute advice on msn... Haha... Lucky i asked about the flour.. Coz i had already decided to use self raising flour as i thought they were the same..Looking forward to Sunday!... Yum yum..

oh... in addition to the previous post, i also want shades... I was eyeing the Oakley's script but i went to try and it rested on my cheeks instead of my nose, so not very ideal ah? Before that i tried a pair at forever 21, it rested on my nose.. yeah.. but not sure about the UV protection.. BUT when i went back to see it again.. it was no longer there... SOb sob.... So the hunt for the perfect pair of shades continues....

So nice....

Everything is so nice.. I want to buy everything... I am sure you do too.. That's why you had to refrain from trying them to prevent the temptation from overcoming you...

- Black, Shiny, Lovely, Gorgeous, high heels
- Green, CHECKED dress
- Red checked dress
- Handbag with red polka dots and white background from the shop with the 'straight- jacket' cuffs

Many many more are out there and waiting to be discovered!... But please do not take this as a hint from me k... I am just saying that i really think all these are very lovely... To me... instead of not trying them on, i try to prevent myself from giving in to temptation by reasoning with myself that i have very few occasions to use all these beautiful stuff..Hee. ... So then it is not value for money anymore...Different method,same effect.

Anyway when i tell you my financial status, i am not expecting you to volunteer to pay for my expenses.. I just needed to tell someone.. Anyway i figured i shouldn't do it anymore.. It only makes me look pathetic...

I want to be like that too....

I have to go for attachment soon... It is slowly becoming a pain in the neck.. this monthly thing.. But nothing can be done about it... just have to go...

I was in awe of someone the other day...As i was listening to him talk, i felt grateful and amazed at his wisdom.. He is able to tell people directly to their faces that their ideas don't work and they accept his honest opinion. When he does that, some may immediately label him as being negative but most of the times when they insist with going along with the idea and it fails, i have to resist the urge to tell them, "He told you so!". Haha.. No one dares to bully him or make him clear their rubbish.. Maybe because he has a "Don't mess with me" face...I don't really know why too... But one thing i do know, he is really important to some people. People trust him and truly believe in his abilities and competence... I have not but would really like to ask him, "What does it feel like to know that some people need you desperately to help them?" Does it feel extremely satisfying?
Sometimes i am also amazed at the foresight that he has, the ability to thoroughly give thought to every decision that he makes... I am glad that i have the chance to know him.. Maybe in the future, i will discover more qualities that amaze me..

Will he also discover qualities in me that will amaze him?

Can you be my guinea pig?

I cooked my first dinner yesterday! Haha... Of course with lots of help from my mother... Frying fish is still one of my fears.. haha.. Didn't want to let go of the fish.. scared that the oil will splash onto my fingers la! haha... Anyway the oil still landed on my fingers.. haha.. A bit pain.. but i guess i will get use to it soon.. After that i fried eggs.. This was the only dish that i did all on my own! Yippeee! It came out fluffy but very OILY...I think i put too much oil... Oops!!! The vegetable was ok la.. haha..came out normal.. Haha...His face was very interesting when my ma told him that i was cooking.. he seem very pleased... haha...

I went Arab street on wednesday... Finally get to go there.. haha.. Saw lots of stores selling cloth and more cloth.. haha... I was very tempted to buy some of the scarves on sale so that i could cut them up and make small outfits.. haha.. To show who? actually no one la.. just maybe to convince myself that i have what it takes.. But the truth is i have absolutely no idea about the techniques and basics involved in dressmaking.. So if anyone out there has lots of scrap cloth, can donate to me,.,...Pleeease?... As i was walking along the shops, i was thinking of making one of my own drawings into an outfit for myself,. hee... Or is there anyone who wants to lend me your figure then i can try try on you? haha,... Be my guinea pig can? but i promise you no diarrhoea... haha...

Interesting...

I went to watch my first Hindi movie on tuesday night.. I watched Dhoom 2 with Ottie... Haha,... i didn't even know what the movie was about when i was buying the tickets... When the guy at the counter said it was an indian movie, i was like, "Huh?" then after that i said ya.. Haha.. Right after i bought the tickets and was waiting for her to arrive, she smsed and told me that the movie was an indian movie but there were english subtitles.. haha.. Then she said the movie was 3 hrs long! And that there was an interval.. haha.. first time i have heard of something like that...

The movie was quite interesting.. The stunts cool, the dancing inspiring and the songs infectious... After i left the cinema and was walking back home, i was still humming the song.. haha.. The female leads were gorgeous! and the actor playing the thief had really mesmerizing eyes.. Yes...Ottie... He's really hot.. haha!!I must say it was a pleasant experience... The house that they were filming in when they escaped to Brazil was very nice!!!! I want to stay there!!! Even the house of the cop's sister was very interesting.. Colourful and so very colourful!!.. haha...

Before i went to meet her, i went to cut my hair in the afternoon... haha.. All i can say is that in some ways, 'Ah Gong' is back and alive... My fringe has not been so short since secondary school when i was nicknamed ah gong. haha!! Good old times....

I was told an interesting piece of information while we having dinner and waiting for the show to start... To You: You have waited so long for the opportunity and finally it has presented itself to you.. Remember when you thought you had failed the 2nd test? This is your chance to do the thing that you are so passionate about... Maybe in this way, you will be saving the world bit by bit... All the best dear!!!

If my migration date had not been altered, we would be starting on our new paths on the same day.. haha...

I am still looking for the direction to chase my dreams,.. Currently i am still stuck in a thick fog, unsure of the directions available and which one i should take...

I want....

I want to do everything and anything that i want to do... I think this might sound very familiar to you... After all, you also want to do it..

I want to:
- Be able to make clothes
- Be able to say confidently i believe in the things i draw
- Dance in performances
- Play a small but significant role in any kind of production, be it theatre, dance etc...
- Travel the world, immerse in the cultures of the countries

At the moment, this is what i can think of.. I guess as time goes by, more will be added to the list..Even now as i look back, there are a few things that i wished that i had done better or had the guts and time management to do it..Would life have been different if i had chose to walk a different education and career path? Sometimes i am afraid to say the dreams that i have. Afraid that the things that i think i am capable of doing are actually of below average standards..
I guess i am still looking for something that i can proclaim loudly and proudly," This is what i am best at!"
Will you feel like i am copying the things that you are doing, that i have no originality of my own and that i am just a copycat with no strengths?

There was a day when we were just walking around, he told me that i could develop the things that i was dabbling with into a service where it is unique and every piece is custom made to the individual's idea... Immediately a fantasy developed in my head.. I could do that and go volunteer at some arts troupe or something.. haha.. A bit ridiculous ah.. By the time i am free to do that, my bones will probably be creaking or i will have to deal with other responsibilities.. That's why i call it a fantasy. Haha...

Anyway to the 'Imelda Marcos' amongst us.. Thank you for the invitation to browse and borrow from your collection.. Sorry that it will always be me borrowing from you and never the other way round... think the stuff in my wardrobe are quite blah.. haha... Anyway i think i roughly know what your next step will be... I am sure you will be very happy with the decision that you are going to make.. You will definitely succeed... Don't let people affect you or allow weird thoughts to be implanted in your head.

Lonely...

Before you gals panic... everything is fine.. I am lonely in other areas of my life... Not the relationship portion...

I always ask people around me what it feels like to have siblings...They say there will be arguments but at the same time they have someone to share their problems. Some have a huge age gap between themselves and their siblings and may not be that close... But as they always say "Blood will always be thicker than water". I always wondered what it would be like to have sibling? Do you feel safer? Have a better sense of security?

To me... I would be very happy to have a sibling.. There are always things that you can't tell your parents because you know they will have difficulty understanding.. Having someone of the same generation to listen is nice.. You may tell me to confide in my friends.. But sometimes not everything can be told to friends.. You don't really want to 'air your dirty laundry' right?
Haha.. another plus point that i can see is that you could raid each other's wardrobe.. Technically you can have 2 wardrobes to choose from.. haha.. This is if i had a sister ah... But even having a brother will be good.. Can ask him to handle the bullies that disturb you.. haha..

But i guess i will be content to have really good friends... I read a few pages of Nicole Richie's book... And there was a line that said good friends were like diamonds.. They will shine brightly in your life.. I am glad and thankful that i have a few diamonds in my life.. I don't really know what i did to deserve them but i am still thankful for them.. *HUGZ*